Imagine a one foot by 2 inch tube of kool-aid that you freeze. You cut one end of the tube, push the frozen kool-aid from the other and bite or lick as you prefer. The product is usually marketed under the name Mr. Freeze, commonly called “freezie”
Because don’t see my family very often (except my sister) and am no longer in touch with my high school friends, I’m usually the only one who still laughs at the following inside jokes:
Just for the halibut.
It’s a pewter platter, Peter!
And that’s where it all went wrong.
Guten Nacht, viel Spass! (Good night, have fun!)
Gabriel the Holy Moose
Emergency stares!
I seem to be lacking . . . dental floss.
Stop it, you’re giving me a haddock. 
There’s a moment in a scene in the movie Zoolander that has Zoolander and Hansel in Hansel’s kitchen discussing their previous night’s “freakfest” when a mobile phone rings. One of them answers it (can’t remember which one) at the same time that one of the dwarves answers his (thinking it was his ringing), with them both saying “Hellooo” at the same time.
Have no idea why it makes me laugh, but I piss myself everytime I see it.
Mr. Armadillo did his undergrad studies at Georgia Tech, in Atlanta. Whenever I would go visit him, and we’d go to campus, his route would take us right past this place every time:
ez mart
front
neon signs
long view
sign
close-up
Now, the fact that it’s located next to a dirty convenience store, cracks me up. The neon signs in the windows, especially the {lips}yes{lips} sign crack me up. But most of all, the name of the place and sign slay me.
We could have a group marriage…
A fairly new commercial for gum has this onion who is sitting in his little trailer at night, watching TV, and the phone rings. He answers and the voice on the other end says, “Dead onion says what.” The onion says, “What?” And then he explodes.
I find this commercial so hilarious I can’t even describe. The first time I saw it I could not stop laughing. My friends and family find it amusing, but not nearly to the degree that I do.
Also, the John Waters movie “A Dirty Shame”, I think it is, there’s a scene where Tracy Ullman’s character bursts into a family’s home, where they are sitting on the couch watching TV. She screams out, “Allright, now who wants to fuck me?!” The teenage son bolts up, shouting “I do! I do!” His parents fight like mad to hold him back while Tracy fights like mad to get at him and he fights like mad to get at her.
This scene is, in my mind, Komedy Gold. Maybe because I have 3 sons, two of whom are teenage boys.
I can’t get this to open right now, but…
www.sitnsleep.com
“…or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEE!”
Oh, God. In 10th grade we were reading “A Raisin in the Sun” out loud in class. Our teacher was the narrator, and as soon as she said this line:
A man walks in with a very large package
I lost it! I couldn’t stop laughing for 10 minutes, and it’s still makes me chuckle to think about. What a way to describe something! The room was dead quiet.
Similarly, and even though I don’t want you all to think of me as being humor-one dimensional, one time we were all riding in this big van to a cross country meet. One of the freshmen on our team’s dad was driving, and we didn’t really know him at all. So, he was one the phone pretty much the whole way down, talking business and trying to convince whoever was on the other end of the line to do something, and then he busts out this gem of a line:
“But I think once you see my package, you’ll understand…”
Again, I lost it. My team thought I was crazy. Actually, they’re not too far off the mark. But surely those are both funny to someone! Anyone? 
Speaking only for myself, I am very aware of the packages of others. 
Hmmm . . . things that are funny to absolutely no one on this planet besides me? Probably 9/10 of what I say that I think is hilarious falls in this category.
Oh, yeah, and just now Patchy the Pirate (yeah, I’m watching a Spongebob Marathon while I waste time surfing the net) was trying to juggle, and someone said, “But you only have one ball.” I’m still giggling.
Same here. I find things drink-spitting funny that most other people blink at blandly.
When we were having a staff meeting a couple of years ago, some co-workers and I were sitting about the conference room table, sipping coffee and carrying on several different conversations while we waited for everyone else to arrive.
During the course of chatting, someone off-handedly says, "Hey, speaking of…(I couldn’t hear the rest of the sentence, but I heard clearly the joke that came afterwards) …you know, like ‘What was the dirtiest thing ever said on television.’ Co-worker on the other end says something like, “Yeah, like that, and so what was the dirtiest thing?”
First co-worker says, “Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.”
I found this funny on so many levels that I had to go to the powder room to dry my eyes and splash cold water on my face so I’d settle down enough to attend the meeting. :rolleyes:
That is absolutely hilarious!
One time, I had an exam to study for, so naturally I ended up watching Blue’s Clues. I believe it was the tear-jerking episode where Steve breaks it to the world that he’s going to college and his wiener brother Joe is going to take over.
At one point, Steve and Joe are working out what Steve will have to take with him to college, when a blue pawprint appears on the screen. Those spooky disembodied children’s voices yell out “A clue! A clue!” As usual, the ‘adults’ mishear the kids, and Joe asks, “Shoes? Do you think Steve should take his shoes?” A rather puzzled expression crosses Steve’s face, and in an obvious ‘duh’ voice, he says, “Um, I’m going to be taking my shoes.” I couldn’t stop laughing for ages after that, but I’ve never been able to explain it to others.
In another episode that aired around the same time (it may have even been the same episode – I can’t remember), Steve pours himself a glass of juice and starts rambling on about how great and refreshing his juice is. A clue becomes visible, so once again the kids shout “A clue! A clue!” Steve says, “Yup. Juice.” Another ROFL moment for me.
You’re not going to laugh at this word: kadiddlehoppers.
See?
Here’s why it made me laugh… I used to be a court stenographer. Once I was in a murder trial. All murder trials are serious, of course, but this involved an apparent random stabbing of the innocent 13-year old daughter of a prominent local physician. Very tragic.
The lawyer for the defence was one day involved in a very long, very dry, very boring submission involving some arcane facet of the law. Everyone was close dozing off. The astute lawyer realized he was losing his audience - even the judge. So in an attempt to restore everyone’s attention he said something like, Okay, what am I trying to say? Basically you take the whole schmeer and… etc." At that word I gave him a quizzical glance.
During the next break I half-jokingly ask the lawyer, “Um, you realize I have to type the transcript. How the hell do you spell schmeer?” We all got a minor chuckle.
Weeks (months?) later we’re in the same situation. The same lawyer giving another long, boring speech. Again to bring everything to a close and regain this audience he says, "So to put it simply, when you balance everything out you realize, ‘Holy kadiddlehoppers, there’s nothing to go on.’ "
I look at the lawyer.
The lawyer looks at me.
We both burst out laughing. Uncontrollably. We each made tried in vain to control the outburst. After several obvious failures the judge threw up his hands and declared an early recess.
We later agreed to “kadiddlehoppers.”
There’s some sort of ethnic market a few miles away that recently added a sign out front that cracks me up even though it’s not that hilarious. It says BREAD AND PASTRIES–INSIDE THE STORE.
They’re making a big point of saying that they just got these amazing items and they actually keep them indoors. (Sort of like all the other items they have.)
There used to be a buffet downtown with a sign that read “EAT ALL YOU CAN”.
My friend swears he knows a place in the city with a neon lobster image over the word ‘STEAK’.
But the one that sends me into completely disproportionate fits of laughter is “Welcome, fuckface!” My brother was working on a web site with a log-in feature, and his test account was called “fuckface”. When he had me log in to test something for him, and the site cheerfully greeted me, I about popped a lung. To this day – see, I’m laughing so hard right now I can barely type.
In that same vein, a few months ago, we had a child who climbed into some kind of electric station and was badly electrocuted. We had the TV on the morning after it happened, and the local TV station was running the story with the headline:
BOY SHOCKED!
I started giggling madly and adding my own ending to the headline:
"BOY SHOCKED THAT AN ELECTRIC STATION WOULD BE ELECTRIFYING!"
Luckily, my husband found it funny, too. No one else seemed to find it funny, though.
E.
Years ago, we were driving along I-95 just north of Richmond and saw a huge billboard with the word ANTICHRIST and a scary-looking pair of eyes on it. My spouse and I both had the same first thought: “Oh, is that a new roller coaster at Kings Dominion?”
Reading more carefully (our brains were working fast for once) we saw it said “The ANTICHRIST is among us. Call 1-800-REAL-HOT to find out who!” (and no, I’m not making that phone number up; it’s possible it was something different but it was something of that ilk). We started guffawing. I’m pretty sure we were the only ones laughing at the ANTICHRIST sign that day. It was clearly not intended as a joke.
Yes, we are going to hell. And no, we didn’t call the number to find out who it was. Every now and then I look at one of my misbehaving kids and wonder though…
Yes. The only way it could have been better is if Mrs. Call had asked a clerk how much it was and the clerk called for a price check.
Tabby