Bill Engvall is a comedian and one of his schticks is the “Here’s Your Sign” routine. Basically, people who ask stupid questions should be made to wear signs to warn the rest of us.
We’ve all been guilty of it, and Ivylad had a prime one the other night.
He’d recently bought new stainless steel coffee travel mugs, because the ones we had didn’t fit the cup holders in our respective cars. He told me that his had fit, but I told him mine was still to big for my car.
To which he asked, “Was the base too big?”
:eek:
“No, ding-a-ling,” I replied, laughing. “I tried to put it upside down, but the coffee spilled all over the console. Here’s your sign.”
He fell out of the chair laughing as he realized what he’d said.
Oh! Oh! I’ve got a classic one from my ex after learning I was pregnant for the second time. Ahem, and I’m not making this up… He said, “How’d that happen?” :smack:
Mind you, this is a college educated man. Sheesh!! :wally
This is all my classmates:
I was a blonde for about 2 years, then I changed back to my natural shade of dark brown one Friday. So I came to school the next Monday, and all day people were asking, “flamingbananas, did you dye your hair?”
:smack:
So after about 10 people said that, I started to say “No, it was always this color. Your eyes just can’t process the color brown. Here’s your sign” Only, people didn’t get it, since I go to school with a bunch of dumbasses. So they walked away. Which solved my problem with annoying people.
I also do not think that that emoticon represents embarrassment well at all. In fact, I’ve brought up that fact in the “About This Message Board” message board. IMO, it looks more like someone about to pleasure someone else. The so-called “roll eyes/sarcastic” emoticon ( :rolleyes: ) looks more embarrassed. If there was a yellow version of that one, but with red cheeks, then we’d have it.
We could also use an “evil/mischievious” emoticon. My suggestion - take the “mad” emoticon ( :mad: ), replace the frown with a smile, and add two horns…
My boyfriend and I went to a huge surplus furniture sale at a complex here in Ottawa last summer. The line was easily a couple of blocks long as they were only letting in 10-20 people at a time. We were about 200 people from the front of the line. There was a teen aged boy and his father infront of us. A guy walked up to the people in front of us and said “What are you waiting in line for?” The teen aged kid, without missing a beat, said “To get in” :smack:
His dad started laughing, as did everyone around him, my boyfriend and I included, but the kid still didn’t get it.
I was so excited last Thursday - I was actually thinking on my feet and got to use my first ever Bill Engvall snappy comeback. I almost started a thread about it.
We were standing outside watching a guy mow the grass by the parking lot when a maintenance guy walked up to him and asked, ‘Ya mowing?’
I said, ‘Nope. He’s collecting that grass for his sheep. I’ve got a sign in my office if you want one.’
“If the north won the war, why wasn’t Hitler president?” :eek: No joke. And she was dead serious!! This is a junior in high school!! The year before, her question was (again being dead serious):
“How does the Statue of Liberty float?” :smack: It’s on an island
“Well, how does the island float?” It’s held up by strings
“Then why can’t you see the strings on the post cards?” They’re edited out
She should not only have a sign, but it should be as big as her in bold letters with seqins, so nobody can miss it.
Im not sure if this qualifies being that it isnt a question… but I thought I would throw it out there because it drives me bonkers.
When im out and about, people constantly come up to me and anounce, “You’re tall.” (I’m 5"10 and female). I just look at them like their idiots and say, “I am??? Oh my god!!” It gets so annoying. Like, yes, i am aware if the fact that i’m tall, but thanks for letting me know.
My friend was getting married at an exclusive and ritzy place on the beach called the Jonathan Club. Well, the directions were hard to follow, and there were no obvious signs, but I pulled into a driveway that I thought might be the correct one. There was a valet attendant there, and as I pulled up beside him, I opened my mouth and asked ‘Is this the Jonathan Club?’ Well, as the words are leaving my mouth I’m looking at this person and it’s registering in my brain that this guy is wearing a hat, a jacket and a shirt, all of which have the words ‘Jonathan Club’ embroidered on them. He’s also standing next to a sign that says ‘Jonathan Club Valet Parking’.
I was eating lunch at work with a buddy of mine and I asked him what kind of sandwich it was that he was eating. His reply was…
“Its like a pimento cheese sandwich, but without those little red things in it.”
I said… “That woud be pimentos DUMMY!”
Heres your sign.
This sounds like a spin-off from an old Gallagher routine (or vice versa). Gallagher’s idea was to issue paint-ball guns to all drivers. When a fellow motorist had a dumbass attack on the roadway, you’d splat their car with a paintball. When you saw a car with a ton of paint splats, you knew to stay very far away.
I remember the Gallagher idea a little differently; if someone cut you off or performed some other act of vehicular mayhem you shot the car with a suction-cup tipped dart which had a flag that read “Idiot.” If a cop saw a car with more then three of these attached he pulled the driver over and gave him a ticket for being an asshole.
