Over the years of my life I have wasted on these things, it’s come to my attention that there are certain things that could never have been said by any sane, sober person before the invention of the video game.
I don’t mean sentences with words unique to the game (“I have to get to the Tower of Gflozd in the City of Fnortly”), or referring to technical aspects (“save game,” “joystick,” “console”). I’m talking about phrases whose individual parts would make sense to the unitiated, but would make the speaker sound delirious.
Examples:
Diablo II[ul][li]“Stop resurrecting people!”[/li][li]“That cheapskate angel is charging a fortune to bring my mercenary back to life!”[/li][li]“Pretty soon, I’ll be able to summon a valkyrie.”[/li][li]“Well, I brought back the sun.”[/li][li]“I just have to retrieve my corpse, and then I think I’m done for the day.”[/ul][/li] Various Final Fantasies[ul][li]“Her dog sometimes brings her back to life. Also, she can shoot him like a cannonball from that thing on her arm.”[/li][li]“Well, it picks the bad guy up, throws him into a whole galaxy going simultaneously supernova, and then when he falls back down, he’s usually badly hurt.”[/li][li]“It shouldn’t be a problem if you keep summoning Hades and the Knights of the Round Table.”[/li][li]“Well, right now she’s inside her best friend’s brain, trying to help him with his problems.”[/li][li]“I just have to bring this rat’s tail back to the dragon, and then I can grow up!”[/ul][/li] Planescape: Torment[ul][li]“I wonder if I’m wise enough to unmake my mortality?”[/ul][/li] Any Game[ul]“I died again.”[/ul]
“So I summoned two demons, two giant rocks, dropped a fireball on it, hit it with a blade barrier AND had the guy with the Giant Miniature Space Hamster smash it with a Hammer of Odin… still had to reload.”
“Well, I crushed the Japanese easy. The Russians put up a little fight, so I freaking nuked them. The Zulus decided to backstab me, so I blew them up with my hover tanks. The whole time, I had my army of lawyers keep the damn French busy.”
“No, put 5 perfect emeralds in the bow, then two perfect skulls. Dude, you can kill anything with THAT ten times fast. And you suck their life and mana right out!”
“No really, throw the dagger at the dragon. It works. Then you get the mirror and the kingdom.”
“No seriously, I killed the dragon with my bare hands!”
“Yeah, the dog split into three heads. The middle one is the one to worry about. Make sure you have that machine gun. Man, just spray the whole clip.”
“Dude, I jumped like 500 feet in the air, did a 740 Back Spin Experimental Air to a Iffy Stiffy Backflip and then landed on the rail and grinded that thing for like a mile.”
