I’ve seen it differently.
Those who WRITE on shithouse walls
Roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read those words of wit
Eat those little balls of shit.
On another note, a long running joke that annoys my wife to no end:
Wife complaining about heat: “I’m hot”.
Me (with leer): “I know…”
In the men’s room of the building I used to work in (we moved), there was a massive amount of graffitti inside the stall. One of the funniest pieces of low-brow wit was this:
Slopin’ my pod is what I’m doin’
I think I enjoy this more than screwin’
women don’t want me ‘cause I’m ugly and poor
so I’m leavin’ my load on the men’s room floor
Underneath this, someone else had written:
That’s why you’re ugly and poor
Your momma got the semen off the men’s room floor.
I always see the “press button” pictographs on blow driers as “pick nose”. Now I will see “receive bacon”.
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles.”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
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Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees”
TWA 431: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
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A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
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There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind an eight-engined B-52 that had one engine shut down “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “the dreaded seven-engine approach”
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”
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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger…and yes, we copied Eastern. We’ve already notified our caterers.”
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick- w itted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.”
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While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at
the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
==============================
Then there was this story I heard from an old British Airways pilot:
They were waiting for take-off somewhere south, Canaries Islands if I recall correctly, but there was some problem and everybody had to wait.
In line was the BA flight, some American Airlines plane and a German Lufthansa. They have been waiting on the runway for quite some time but finally everything is ready and they are starting to prepare for take-off procedures when suddenly the tower gives first permission to the Germans.
The BA pilot is furious and asks the Tower and Germans why they are to be first.
The German pilot answers:
“Becous we came out at six o’clock and put out towels on the runway!”
There’s an episode of “The Golden Girls” in which Dorothy says to Rose, “I never would’ve married Stan if I had known that his entire family smells their fingers all day after eating chicken.”
I’ve probably seen that episode more times than I can even count, and that line cracks me up every single time!
Welcome, cruel butterfly! (Will I ever be able to stop associating your name with the image of a butterfly smelling a greasy finger? Only time will tell. :))
I was watching WWE Raw (the ‘rasslin’ is my not-so-guilty pleasure), and Batista (a 'face) has just made a match with Muhammad Hassan (a turban-wearing, discrimination-decrying heel), and The requisite posturing has ended, when Hassan’s “hype man” Daivari (who weighs 170, tops) starts berating Batista in (I’m sure it’s fake) Arabic, screaming and frothing and pointing a finger.
Batista (who weighs well over 300and is 6’5") looks at Daivari, and a look of disgust crosses his face.
Daivari rants, froths, points…
and Batista lays an open-handed slap on him that knocks poor Daiviari to the floor like he’s been poleaxed.
I needed the entire comemrcial break to get my breahting under control.
How about the episode where Rose has taken Dorothy to Mr. HaHa’s Hot Dog Hacienda for Dorothy’s birthday? When Dorothy says, “I’ll punch your heart out, HaHa,” it NEVER fails to break me up!
I laughed everytime I see Elf get creamed by that cab.
I laughed every time I saw it in the trailer.
I laughed during the movie.
And I laugh when I see it on DVD at home.
::ring, ring, ring::
Hello? You don’t say. You don’t say! You don’t say!!
Who was it?
He didn’t say.
A friend of mine tells the story that on his way home from work he would pass by some large graffiti that said, “I Fucked Your Mother”.
One day he walked by, and someone had written underneath…
“Go Home Dad, You’re Drunk”.
That, and anyone who signs their name T. Hee
I pulled this on my wife in the middle of a crowded Ponderosa restaurant. My son was two and had been potty trained for about three months. The lad had to poop, so he said so to me. Here is how the conversation went.
Kid: (normal voice) I gotta poop.
Me: What?
wifes head snaps up, sensing a trap.
Kid: (louder) I gotta poop!
wife shoots me warning look of death.
Me: What?
Kid: (at the top of his lungs) I GOTTA POOP!!!
Much laughter ensues…except from my embarrassed wife. I took the lad to the bathroom.
I heard tale of a man (perhaps soneone on here related it) who whenever he was in line in the grocery store and released a Silent but Deadly he’d sniff deeply and say “I love the smell of fresh baked bread” and then watch the people around him take a deep whiff.
On the top floor of the QE2 Library in MUN, Newfoundland by the lifts there is one of those warning signs that says “In case of fire, do not use lift” underneath it someone had scrawled “use water”. Cracked me up everytime I saw it.
Loud farts at inappropriate times, i.e. church services, exams and all that good stuff. Some guy farted at a funeral once and it was all I could do not to die myself on the spot. Terrible, but OMG is it funny. And it always will be.
Inappropriate farts are the BEST. My dad tells a story that makes my sides split about how his youngest brother cut one in church when they were little. Reverberated on the bench and stunk so badly that people around them were coughing and gagging.
Irony almost always makes me laugh. As a result, I frequently laugh at completely inappropriate times.
—T. Hee
My sister and I both love the SouthPark movie, no matter how many times we watch it. Our favourite bit is the entire scene leading up to Cartman suggesting that Mr Garrision suck his balls.
My sister’s favourite line in that scene is Cartman’s “Jew?” when asked if he just said the ‘F’ word. Mine is the perfect timing on Stan’s (or is it Kyle’s?) “holy shit dude”.
I’m laughing now.
Oh, and the monkey professor eating his pipe in (I think) 4th episode of College University
I may never have laughed as hard and as consistently as I did the first time I saw The Spirit of Christmas, the first South Park short, due to dialogue to profane to reprint here.
Not as bad, perhaps, but I remember a time at church when my oldest child was about 1 1/2-2 years old and let loose a BELCH!!! right in the middle of the sermon. I mean, this sucker caused the window blinds to rattle! I saw a woman in the row behind me clap her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing–and I’m sure she wasn’t the only one!
The minister’s reaction? He finished what he was saying, then looked at me with a grin and said, “You should feed her her beer a little earlier in the day!” Cue loud laughter from the congregation.
My sister told me once that in church she was sitting next to a woman with severe halitosis. She apparently hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the night before and was yawning constantly, treating Sis to whiff after whiff of Toxic Breath. She whispered to our younger sister (who was sitting on the other side of her) that she was in danger of gagging. Then the woman yawned just as Sis leaned down to pick something up from the floor, which gave Younger Sis access to the Death Breath. She didn’t say a word–just wrote “church bench” on her notebook. Sis was puzzled by the cryptic message, so Younger Sis translated–“PEW!” she wrote. Then both of them had to repress gales of laughter. Now all I have to do to get the giggles is think about that story!