Things You Do To Eff With Your Pets

We call this one “The Elvis.”

Take one long hair from dog. It helps to have a dog like a Siberian Husky, German Shepherd, or Norwegian Elkhound (like mine) who has long guard hairs. You also need a dog who is extremely good natured. Take the hair and slowly insert in dog’s nostril and tickle him until he does the Elvis lip/nose quiver thing. Some dogs may sneeze on you instead.

I wouldn’t suggest trying this with a cat.

Place a bit of scotch tape on your pet’s paw pads. Watch as they scamper around frantically biting at the tape trying to get it off.

Two words: Peanut Butter

lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, slorp, lick, lick, lick…

I have a very large charm bracelet that I wear (weighs over a pound).

Conveniently, it’s loose on the cat’s neck. So I fasten it, and 3 of 4 cats immediately push it off over the heads. And then give me nasty looks.

The 4th cat? Likes the way it jingles and will just walk around with it on. (Have to catch her to get it back!)

Reason 47 it’s good to live with a doctor: free pen lights.

They drive the cats absolutely batshit. They’ll chase the beam of light all over the place, slapping and pouncing all the way. It really pisses them off when you yank that little circle across the room or turn it off just when they’re about to capture if for good.

Teach the dog to fetch the cat.

Have the dog bring the cat to you, carrying the cat by the neck scruff, disgusted look on the cat’s face.

Try smoothing a length of scotch tape down a cat’s spine from head to tail. (It’s tricky to fool a cat like this, but worth it!)

There’s some hard-wired programming in cats that will tell them they’re under a low ceiling when this happens. Poor kitty will crouch lower and lower while trying to get away.

Try not to laugh to much. The cat will hate you for it.

Also, get a really clear recording of birdsong, squirrel, skunk or any other animal your pet is familiar with and play it from a speaker they can get at. Use a remote, if you have one. (Note: It’s gotta be an animal they’re familiar with.)

Two words…

Screen door.

Take a regular piece of paper, poke a fairly large hole in the center then stick cat’s head through the hole.

My Dad taught us that one.

This stuff is all funner with kittens though. My cat’s too old and may just sit there and stare at me with that “I don’t know how I’m going to get you but I will.” stare.

The Deaf Test: Approach dog while it is asleep, or in a similar state of relaxation. Repeat dog’s name over and over, starting in a whisper and slowly increasing in volume until dog wakes up. Play dumb when dog looks at you.

Making the Bed: You need clean sheets and a clean dog, and probably another person to be your accomplice. Place dog on bed, preferably somewhere in the middle. Place the fitted sheet over the mattress and dog, making sure to secure it firmly on the sides. Poke at the dog-shaped lump under the sheet, scratch at the sheet until dog-shaped lump chases your hand all over the bed and eventually tumbles out from the sheet.

My cats play “Defend the Mattress” too! They wish we’d change the sheets everyday!

(Where do you think you are, Grammy’s? Get off the bed!)

The paper bag trick can be pretty funny as well. I first learned of it with a plastic bag, but if one values his little Fluffy’s life, he will stick to the paper bag.

Our cat had a fancy to the sound a platic grocery bag would make. He would attack them upon sight. I once was so frustrated with Homer for his unpreditability when it came to those grocery bags, I finally stuffed one over his head. What resulted was so hilarious, I nearly broke the eggs.

I used the paper bags a lot after that with my other cat Tweety. Homer learned after one go how to get out of the bag. However, there is nothing quite like seeing a cat sprint around a room backwards in an effort to get out of the “cave”.

The “scotch tape on the paws” trick is also a great (fairly humane) one to play on a cat. Homer would just peel the strip away with his teeth (smartest cat I ever saw…he would even fetch once or twice until he got bored). Tweety, on the other hand, would gyrate her paw at a million miles a second trying to jar the strip loose. It never failed, either. No matter how securely I affixed it to her paw, she would always be able to shake it loose within ten seconds. Those ten seconds, however, were always priceless.

Like CrazyCatLady, we play “chase the laser pointer”, but run it over an edge, or up to the peephole in the door, and then turn it off. One cat will sit and stare at the hole for quite a while, waiting for the light to come back. Some dogs will also chase the light.

Also, put ME under a blanket (preferably an old one), and initiate battle. Good with dogs and kids.

Wow, these are really elaborate. All I ever do is knock on a nearby wall and say, “WHOZZZZAT?” to the dogs to get them to start jumping and barking all over the place!

Gosh these are hilarious…

We play Deli Cat with CJ-- our tortie.

1)Get a brown paper bag, and wait for evil kitty to hop inside.

  1. Pick up bag, with cat inside, and act like you just came home from the deli.

Then tell Daddy, “Look Daddy! I got fresh Tortie for our dinner!”

I’ve actually fooled my husband on occasion and it even worked with a small box…“Look Daddy! Look what we got in the mail!”

CJ just sits in there with those dark eyes…piercing…waiting…

At least I think it’s funny. My husband thinks I’m nuts.

I’ve never tried this, but I read about it in one of Douglas Coupland’s novels, either “Generation X” or “Shampoo Planet”: When a dog is begging for food from the table, give him something he can’t/won’t eat, such as a carrot stick, and pretend you really mean it. The dog will just look at you like you’re crazy and eventually lose interest, or at any rate stop displaying interest.

In my experience, it’s lots of fun to play a red-dot laser pointer around the floor next to a cat. The cat will evince obvious confusion but, nevertheless, will try to catch that little dot of light. You can keep this up for hours.

Put a sock on the dog’s muzzle.

My mom’s dogs go nuts for raw carrots, so YMMV on the Coupland trick.

Our cat loves it when you crumple up a small piece of paper into a ball and throw it for her so she can bat it around. The batting is fun, but what she really gets into is the throwing and chasing.

If you throw a few balls for her first to get her into the mood, you can totally fake her out by just miming that you’re throwing the ball. She’ll scamper off in the direction that you “threw” it, and hunt for it for quite a while–longer than she ever shows interest in a real paper ball.

Catnip-scented toy: $4.95
Motorized mouse: $19.36
Elaborate scratching post / play center: $78.29
Cumpled-up receipt from the pet store: Priceless

My cats won’t chase the laser pointer light. They, en masse, turn and look at me with the blank kitty stare, “What do you think we are? Dogs??”

party poopers

I’ve never personally had a racoon for a pet, but I lived in the sticks so it wasn’t an uncommon occurance.

In the book Frosty: A Racoon to Remember, author Harriet Weaver describes the entertainment that comes with giving your pet racoon a sugar cube. The first things most racoons do with a snack is to find some water and wash it. Who wants to eat a dirty snack? Sugar doesn’t stand up to much washing, so the snack mysteriously vanishes right out of their industrious little hands.

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