Things you don't know about woodstockbirdybird!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Oh, sorry, pric, old chap, it seems in my haste to scarf down my frogurt I purposely skipped one of your questions. To wit:
Whats the distance between my head and the closest cabbage?
Ha! This is a trick question! And you thought you had me. But I know that your head is the closest cabbage, you silly. Nice try.

Wicked Blue:
Do you like monkeys? How about pickels? Do you like pickles? Is it true you dress your cat up in a little sundress and call her ‘Mary’ and have
special, secret tea parties? When someone talks to you, do you ever find yourself tilting your head and staring, like NipperTM, the RCA dog?
Would you get angry if I punched you in the butt?

1)Of course I like monkeys. And pickles. Especially fried together in a nice white wine sauce. That’s good eatin’, my friend, and don’t let those zealots at PETA tell you any different. I never could figure out why they get so upset over pickle consumption anyway.
2)No, it is absolutely not true. There’s nothing secret at all about our tea parties. Also, it’s not my cat. Hey, if you didn’t want your pet stolen, you shouldn’t have invited me into your house, mom. Or put in a better alarm system.
3)I don’t know. Nobody ever talks to me. I am the cheese. Sniff.
No, wait a minute, people talk to me all the time. I just never pay any attention to them. Excuse me, but I’ve got better things to do than “listen” to your “problems” or “warn” you about the oncoming “vehicle” that’s about to “hit” you. Stop being so selfish.
4)No. Having been raised by boars, I still retain some of their customs; a punch in the ass was our way of showing affection. So not only wouldn’t I be angry, I might rush right out to the pawn shop and buy you an engagement ring.
I’m joking, of course. I’d make you buy the ring. Boars are notoriously stingy, you know.

22

What do you know that you wish you didn’t?

Charles Nelson Reilly - True or False?

In your opinion, who should have REALLY won the bet in “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”?

Did you ever think you’d end up like this?

[sub]Oh, and forget the marriage thing. Ends up I’ve already got an old man. Weird.[/sub]

23

Goog God, yes. Every night. I definitely are still have sex dreams about you, you majestic, angelic creature.
Wait - you are an actual zebra, right? 'Cause otherwise, I have no idea who you are. Freak.

24

Ooh, ooh, I want to play too.

I’ll even number them for you so you don’t get confused…

1 - Do numbers confuse you?

2 - How long is your uvula?

3 - Toenail clippings. Original? Or extra-crispy?

4 - What’s the difference between an elephant and an Italian housewife?

5 - Who is that creepy bastard looking over my shoulder?

6 - If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

7 - Why does my left thumb smell like gouda cheese?

8 - If one train left New York at 11:00 am traveling west at a speed of 65mph, and another train left Chicago at 12noon traveling east at a speed of 80 mph, then why would anyone in Cleveland give a shit about rolling blackouts?

9 - Where was I?

10 - What does blue taste like?

25

Do you like teabagging? :smiley:

26

How does this shirt make me look?

27

Are you really a pretty decent guy that was the unfortunate victim of my having a Really Bad Day?

Do you recognize an awkward apology when you see one?

28

Do you? Why or why not?

So I’m wandering down the street in a jock strap carrying a watermelon and yelling things about Zsa Zsa Gabor. There’s no question here; I just wanted to share.

How much would wood a wouldchuck chuck if a wouldchuck cood chuck would?

If A is equivalent to B and you’re a student, but lie anyway with probability p, then which road should I take to get to New York, given that it’s raining? What if it’s not raining and you’re actually a Martian?

What’s your explanation for the malaria virus? Please limit your response to two words.

I hope you have x-ray vision. If not, I’m gonna need an explanation.

29

What do you consider too much information?

Why haven’t you ran for President?

Explain your plan for world peace.

Does this outfit make me look fat?

30

Jeez, guys, I’d love to answer all these questions now, but you really need to post ‘em between the hours of 8:00 am and 5:00 pm (Pacific Standard Time), when I’m at work and have nothing better to do. Besides, I just moved, and my DSL hasn’t been switched over yet, so I’m running on a friggin’ late Pleistocene-era 56K modem, so all I’ve got time for at home is qucik drive-by posts (I’ve only got 20 free hours on the 56K - I’m so glad I’m paying $40 a month for this service). So I will answer only one question for now:
Manservant Hecubus, this is the only time I’m gonna post anything sincere in this entire thread, so the rest of you don’t even need to bother with your serious questions, or I swear to Darwin you’re never invited to come over for a play date again (and I’ve got real Hershey’s syrup, not that ghetto generic pus, so it’d be your loss):
Apology accepted and offered back. I was out of line in my reply to you too - just venting spleen (which I think I’ve decided is my most attractive physical feature -so let’s forget all about it, 'cause from reading your posts, I think we’ve got a similar sense of humor, and I enjoy sharing the boards with you. If you look at that “Dopers I adore” thread that was in MPSIMS last week, you’ll notice I put you on my list (without sarcasm; it was before the Pit thread), and you’re still there.
[punches him on the shoulder in an awkward gesture of fraternity]Now get outta here, ya big lug!
Oh, but Manservant, this is just between you and me, OK? I don’t want anybody else on the boards to suspect I’m not a stoic, unemotional manly man with an enormous schlong, all right. Let’s never speak of it again.

31

What a gyp.

32

Is it true you were caught bull fighting in the nude a la Javier Bardem in “Jamón Jamón”?

Have you ever beaten a man to death with one of the hams hanging in your pad?

Am I a winter or a Fall?
And, shake ya ass! Watch ya self! Shake ya ass! Show me what ya workin’ with!

33

Are you really as sweet and cute as I think you are?

And I hope you forgive me for being blunt about that “No” thing. I meant it, but I hope I didn’t give offense. I didn’t mean to be anything but honest.

ScottiHugs if wanted…well, you get them even if you DON’T want them. You can always put them in the spare bedroom and give them to your incredibly aged great-aunt for Christmas next year. Sometimes I think that IAG-A’s are the only ones who appreciate them. :slight_smile:

34

And Doob dear…I just KNOW that you have been dying to ask, so here it is. I am an Autumn.

35

Sir Batty:

1 - Do numbers confuse you?
Only when I’m at a party, having a perfectly delightful conversation in binary code, and some wisenheimer thinks it’s funny to sabotage the talk in octal. Damn computer geeks.

2 - How long is your uvula?
How deep is your love? Find the answer to one and you’ll answer the other, grasshopper.

3 - Toenail clippings. Original? Or extra-crispy?
Since when did they start marketing Extra Crispy? I’ve been writing those bastards at Frito Lays for years, tireless in my grassroots campaign efforts to get extra crispy toenail clippings to the public, and all I ever received in reply was “This is the accounting office, asshole, you want the suggestion box or R&D” and “please be advised that we have requested a restraining order be issued against you from this office” - and now they’ve stolen my idea without sending me the intellectual property residual checks I’m owed? I’m seething. My lifelong dream come to fruition, and I’m too bitter to even eat the damn things.
But to answer your question, Original is my favorite.
4 - What’s the difference between an elephant and an Italian housewife?
Twenty pounds and a moustache.
Also, elephants don’t generally run complicated money laundering operations from their basements.

5 - Who is that creepy bastard looking over my shoulder?
Not to worry. That’s merely father time, making his presence known as a gentle reminder that you should live each day to the fullest, because you’ve only got a limited amount of days on this glorious hunk of rock we call Mars, so you should make each second a celebration of your unique contribution to this wonderful species. Either that, or it’s a pedophile.

6 - If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
Oh, I get it - this is one of those amusing plays-on-words that are so popular with linguists and Taco Bell employees, right? Because your question actually has a double meaning: would I hold your statement against you, and also would I hold my body against you? This is quite an interesting sociological study, because the humor will ultimately derive from how I choose to answer your query, so I shall now attempt to use all the mental faculties at my disposal to come up with the perfect answer.

7 - Why does my left thumb smell like gouda cheese?
Maybe you need your sinuses checked, 'cause I’ve sniffed your left thumb (hell, I’ve sniffed you from one end to the other while you were sleeping), and that’s definitely not gouda. Let’s leave the proctology exams to the professionals, shall we? Perv.

8 - If one train left New York at 11:00 am traveling west at a speed of 65mph, and another train left Chicago at 12noon traveling east at a speed of 80 mph, then why would anyone in Cleveland give a shit about rolling blackouts?
Because the citizens of Cleveland are lonely , pathetic souls who are always butting into other people’s drama to make up for the lack of excitement in their own spiritually empty shells of lives. Your question’s moot, anyway, because everybody knows the trains in New York and Chicago never leave on time.

9 - Where was I?
Well, last time I saw you you were passed out in a pool of your own fluids in a cheap motel while a crack whore rifled through your wallet. Hope that worked out for you all right.

10 - What does blue taste like?
Why don’t you take some of your beloved “microdot” drugs and tell me? You can’t expect me to do all the work.

36

No, I prefer instant. I don’t trust teabags - if it’s gotta be kept in a pouch, it’s obviously deadly and unfit for consumption. Except baby kangaroos, which are delicious.
That is what you meant by “teabagging”, right? I’m afraid I’m not up on all your wickety-wackety-peanut-buttery youth-in-revolt lingo.
andygirl:
How does this shirt make me look?
Did you fail biology? The shirt doesn’t make you look, your eyes do. See, light enters the eye through the cornea (or “retina”, if you wanna sound pretentious) and bounces off some hot rods and ice cream cones at the back of your pupil, which then sends a 50,000 watt electrical signal to an area in the left ventricle of your brain known as the zenyetta mondatta, where little microscopic Keebler elves work around the clock without pay to transform the refracted light into a coherent visual image using Sharpies, Crayola crayons and Crisco. Maybe you should let me write your term papers for you if you ever want to graduate.

37

ultrafilter, you Pop Tart:
Do you? Why or why not?
No, I do not. I almost said “I do”, but I found that whole “to have and to hold, to honor and obey” rubbish to be decidedly sexist. Plus, she ran out of the restaurant screeching like a macaque when I popped the question, so I never really got the chance. Thanks for that icepick in my heart, you callous dingo.

So I’m wandering down the street in a jock strap carrying a watermelon and yelling things about Zsa Zsa Gabor. There’s no question here; I just wanted to share.
Oddly, that’s how I attracted my first wife. Oh sure, “The Man” tried to lock me up on some trumped-up charges of disturbing the peace, but I don’t give Johnny Cochran free sensual massage for my health (gossip: his skin feels just like cashmere!), though my medical insurance does cover it. So he had me out on the street again within an hour. In fact, he scared the city fathers so badly that now it’s a law that you must walk around in a jockstrap with a watermelon yelling about Zsa Zsa every second Thursday of the month. Those who fail to comply are immediately rounded up and shot. Fight the power!

How much would wood a wouldchuck chuck if a wouldchuck cood chuck would?
Not nearly as much as my new bride the woodchipper. And so another species proves its uselessness and vanishes.

If A is equivalent to B and you’re a student, but lie anyway with probability p, then which road should I take to get to New York, given that it’s raining? What if it’s not raining and you’re actually a Martian?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?

What’s your explanation for the malaria virus? Please limit your response to two words.
Patrick Swayze.

I hope you have x-ray vision. If not, I’m gonna need an explanation.
Yes, I do have x-ray vision. Unfortunately, now I’m gonna have to take you to my secret ice fortress and give you a superpowered kiss to make you forget I ever told you. I’ll make sure you remember the kiss, though. I’m not a monster.

38

Well, the Board (or “Bored” as I like to call it this week) has been a little slow on topics of interest lately and I find myself opening up this thread in hopes of finding comedic sustenance.

Well done, woody old bird. This thread has been a veritable oasis of comedic relief in the desert of dull topics.

Anyway, so what’s your plan for the salvation of the world?

You got your chocolate on my peanut butter. How’d that happen?

Is it a nice day for a White Wedding?

What kind of tea do you get when you teabag? Inquiring minds want to know.

39

deb2world:
What do you consider too much information?
Any news items not directly related to Tom and Nicole’s heartbreaking split I consider an unnecessary waste of brain cells. Oh, right, updates on the troubles in the Middle East are “information”? Man, I don’t even own property there. Get outta my face with that mess, you rabble-rouser.

Why haven’t you ran for President?
Well, my advisors inform me that my fondness for “sexual liasons with goats” (as they so tactlessly put it) might not go over too well with the voting public. Apparently, my method of expressing love is considered “unwholesome” by taciturn midwesterners and southern Bible-belters. If I were elected though, rest assured that these two areas of the nation would be promptly annexed to mainland China, so we’d be left with the ultra-cool coastal states, which I would pressure congress into renaming “The United States of Kiss My Ass, You Uptight Chinese Hicks, How You Like Me Now?” I’d also open up trade relations with the Medallin cartel to boost the economy.

Explain your plan for world peace.
1)Have John Tesh killed.
2)Well, there’d be no need for a 2), would there.

Does this outfit make me look fat?
No, but it does make you look kinda slutty. My advice: never take it off.

40

Sorry, Jack, my syntax program doesn’t recognize this as a question. Possible ways you could have phrased it to remedy this error:
“What, a gyp?”
or
“What’s a gyp?”
However, as you have neglected to proofread your work, I am unable to properly respond. So, as Alex Trebek is wont to say:
“You are the weakest link. Goodbye!”