Any man…“why don’t we skip sex tonight and just cuddle?”
My husband the blues guitar player:
“Brittney Spears kicks a**!”
“No honey, really, I do have enough gear now.”
“Wow, you’re right! I am too loud!”
(Partially to keep things even, partially because I believe it.)
Any intelligent statement from Al Gore that he actually came up with.
True statements about guns from Sarah Brady.
From my father: “Yes son, I did keep aliens in there.”
From any woman during that special time: “I feel great and have nothing to complain about.”
“Love handles turn me on.”
“This skirt is too short; I shouldn’t wear it.” —my friend’s daughter.
“I’m sorry; I do interrupt a lot, don’t I? I’ll never do it again!” —my mom
“That was a great workout! Now I can go online.”
—me
“And the Oscar goes to: David Patrick Kelly!”
“I remembered to tape your show, and I didn’t accidentally tape over anything else, start late, or cut it off early!”
—Mr. Rilch
“I really hate women, don’t I? I should get some help.” —Howard Stern
Hmm, I guess I must not be a man then — what a shock! 
From any “interesting” female: “Oh, you play video games? That’s such a turn-on…”
From my (or any) Grammar professor: “Okay, I admit it–this is all just useless b.s. without any conceivanble practical application. I’m just teaching it because I had to learn it, and had nothing better to do with my life.”
Me: “Oh, I didn’t think ‘Armageddon’ was that bad.”
–Calredic
from:
-my girlfriends step-sister: “No.”
-my step-dad: “You’re right honey, I was wrong.”
-my mom: “Don’t feel guilty, son, <insert topic here>”
-my girlfriend: “I love to suck dick. Can I blow you while you drive? Will you promise to cum in my mouth?”
-my brother: “No.”
-me: “How do you spell…?”
-my sister: “Do you have the $xx,xxx that you owe me?”
-my other sister: “Here’s that $xx,xxx that I owe you.”
-Sir Mix-A-Lot: “Where’d that skinny-ass chinese chick go? I need to get with her!”
-Marilyn Manson: “Hurry up, honey, we’re going to be late for church!”
-Charles Manson: “I’m not crazy, just different.”
-Jesus Christ: “I was just kidding about all that stuff. Where’s the bitches at?”
-Satan: “Aw, shucks, God. I know I left in a huff, but can I come back? I’m awful sorry…”
-God: "What Would Jesus Do?
-A member of the hezbullah: “I love you Israelites, I really do, let’s get together and have a few cold ones on me.”
-A travel agent: “Come to sunny Lebanon! Where every night is the fourth of July.”
-Britney Spears: “Okay, you got me. They are fake.”
-my boss: “<anything intelligent>”
-a credit company: “congrats, lex, you have been approved…”
-Cecil Adams: “Shit, you got me… why do we drive on the…”
-WallyM7: “I am at a loss for words.”
-Neuro-Trash Grrl: “Girls are so gross. Give me a man’s hairy ass all the way.”
-Bill Gates: “Okay, it sucks. But you suckers bought it, ha-ha!”
-buddha: “Life is peachy, take it easy. It’s supposed to be a bowl of cherries.”
Lars Ulrich - “You know what? I kinda like Napster now.”
Ricky Martin - “I prefer to be on the receiving end.”
McDonald’s Employee - “I went ahead and put some BBQ and sweet & sour sauce in the bag for you.”
A.C. Green - “Yeah, I fucker her. What’s your point?”
SingleDad : “You know what? All you women are bitches. Screw you all.”
oh, good God. Can I make this my new sig? (incidently, his first name was spelled Mohandas, his title was Mahatma, which means “Great Soul”)Funniest thing I’ve read all day!
Doctor Jackson wrote:
Only if it were Sophia Loren! 
“Strom and I are proud to march today as a happy, committed, loving couple.” - Jesse Helms at the Millenium March on Washington, April 30, 2000
Esprix
Coldfire: Rush? Never heard of 'em.
flup:
“Be proud of who you are! You’re not just ANY ultra-conservative vegetarian communist anti-semitic telemarketing gay-bashing white trailer trash pedophile! You’re YOU!!:)”
God, I hate people.
UncleBeer… Ice tea please…
Me to telemarketing salesman:
Yeah I want it! Hold on while I give you my credit card number.
And the Oscar goes to … Pauly Shore!
Bringing their nuanced, understated singing styles together for the first time, the new Celine Dion-Michael Bolton duet …
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky … but she can sure suck the chrome off a trailer hitch! Hoo-baby! She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose! Yowsa! I had to pull the sheets out of my ass when she was done!”
My favorite from George Carlin’s routine on this topic:
“Gee Dad, you really oughta drink more.”
From any executive at Fox: No, we can’t do that program. It’s in such poor taste.
From the execs at WWF: But do you think that will look fake?
IRS: Ofcourse that hot tub is deductible, you have discussed business in there, right?
KGB: Actually, we are not interested in your secrets, just tell us where the best buys on Levy’s are…
Any Republican: Can we just add a tiny bit more in Medical Benefits?
Any Democrat: Who needs another Government program, let’s see if the community can look after their own lawn overgrowth problems…
Fidel Castro: Let the boy stay anywhere he wants, he’s free to come and go anytime.
Hilary: Nah, I don’t want any public office, or any job with high visibility.
From any girl, to me: Screw just being friends! I wanna fuck!
–Tim
From any girl, to me: Screw just being friends! I wanna fuck!
–Tim