“Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”
(Just after I posted above, I had second thoughts, worrying that nobody would get the reference … I should have known better! 
)
“The clown I had canceled. I found this one at the last minute on Craigslist.”
“I don’t think the dog has ever been around this many children before.”
“Oh goody! The tattoo artist is here! Who wants to get inked?”
“Whose underpants are these?”
“We’ll have ice cream and cake for the kids, and Wild Turkey for the mommies and daddies.”
“Did we get enough fireworks for all the kids?”
Hey kids come greet our special friend that stopped by, Michael Jackson. Michael has some fun games to play with you all.
So I hear you’re turning 10 Bobby, well welcome to manhood. Tish here is my favorite prostitute from 30 years ago, she’ll make you a man…
unfortunately I had to say to parents coming to pick up their 7 or 8 year old kid (at a pool party at a public pool), “Your son was here a minute ago”
“I hope your son likes the ferret. The vet said those sores aren’t infectious.”
(mature male voice) “My name is Gunnery Sergeant Hartman! I am your Senior Drill Instructor!..You will not laugh! You will not cry!”
We learned how to play strip poker!
“Can I have another icee?”
Umm, we don’t have icees, those are margaritas in the blender.
“Everyone on the floor, face down, or i’ll shoot.”
“OK, kids, all together now… There once was a man from Nantucket…”
(about Chuck-ee-Cheese)
“No, I’m not afraid of him, but I’m very very nervous.”
[I had to drive the girl home.]
Sounds like my kind of birthday party! 
Actually said by 6-year-old me after my first birthday sleepover:
“I had a great time! I fell out of bed and threw up!”
(It was the top bunk, too, but I didn’t get hurt. The throwing up part was too much junk food.)
“Where the hell is my goddamned pistol? I put it on the nightstand a minute ago when I went to take a piss!”
“Hey kid, smell this Risotto. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.”
“Pull my finger.”
“Wanna sip?”
So it’s been three days since we last saw the cobra after it got out of the tank, I’m sure it’s gone now.
“Yep, he would’ve been five today, if only… if only I hadn’t… <bursts into wailing sobs>”
Now, one of the bowls of punch is spiked, but I’ll be damned if I can remember which one.
“… and the funny thing is that if I still lived in Alabama I wouldn’t even be allowed to be within 300 yards of this party.”
“Thanks for inviting my little boy Sam. I meant to tell you that his lice are almost all gone.”