Using your fingers to remove a tea bag from the mug of water is not a good idea.
Scrota and speaker wire are not the match made in heaven that they would appear.
-If your girlfriend is talking about something that makes you uncomfortible, don’t drop a hermit crab in her lap so you can escape while shes freaking out
-If a box of roses and tickets to a Broadway show are delivered to your girlfriend by mistake at work, don’t take credit for them until you are sure that the delivery person isn’t coming back.
-What that one idiot at the after work happy-hour thinks its a good idea to start rounds of tequilla shots, you should punch him in the face.
-If the head of your company asks you if you want to transfer to another department, you should probably say “yes” (and THEN quit if you didn’t want it once you find a new job).
SOMETHING MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY:
-When your boyfriend suggests that you might not want that last cosmopolitan, it’s probably a good idea to heed his advice.
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I am not perfectly qualified to repair anything inside of my home without assistance, the correct tools, or a notion of how it worked in the first place.
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You cannot convince the repair person who now has to come to fix your repairs that “This is how I found it.” when he looks at your handiwork.
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Your SO will find this hysterical.
You can love someone with all your heart - this does not mean they’ll love you back.
Always meet the parents of your intended before getting engaged to them. It can prevent nasty surprises, like finding out how fucked up a family can be even if they seem perfectly nice. And how much some parents can mess with the heads of their otherwise adult offspring.
hopefool, I hope, in my case, you aren’t right…
Although my sailboat will not sink, its rudder will. D’oh!
You can’t go home again.
And when you do go home, you will find that your flatmate hasn’t done any cleaning and that there is a 4 month pile of mail that needs to be dealt with.
Don’t attempt to cut an avacado in half with a steak knife.
There are twelve ways that you can fuck up before breakfast.
If you should run from the police, and get away, it’s a terrible idea to go back to see if they’re still looking for you.
If you think your husband is cheating on you, he probably is cheating on you.
Learn to trust that women’s intuition.
You too?!?
I got two stitches, how many did you need?
Oh, and on-topic: If there’s a dent in the Coke can, check for holes, too. If it doesn’t fizz when you open the can, you may end up swallowing a lump of mold.
Oops (and URK!)
I really didn’t want my oldest son to grow up and move away. I miss him.
The cinnamon raisin bagel that just popped up in your toaster doesn’t appear to be very hot.
If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.
Heed the advice of the books – see a dentist during (and after) pregnancy.
Senior dogs have special food for a reason.
Windows 2000 doesn’t support my network adapter, so I get to use the computer labs until I get a new one.
You have a gut feeling for a reason. Listen to it.
This is one area where if you ignore it, it will truly go away.
And come back with really big teeth and bite your sorry ass.
A few months ago I learned the following:
If your car is stuck in the snow, do not rock it back and forth my slamming the transmission from drive-to-neutral-to-drive-to-neutral etc. I am now $2000 poorer because of this “lesson.”