We normally have a TV going in my office, normally tuned to CNN for late-breaking news. Though, this morning we have on the Today Show.
Well, Soledad O’Brian, a black female anchor filling in for Katie Couric, comes on and my boss says out of the blue, “Bad colored whore!”
After I picked my jaw up off the floor, with a look of incredulity, I say, “What did you say?!”
“I said, ‘Bad color for her.’ She looks bad in purple.”
I think it’s time to bring these ears in for a 10,000 mile check-up.
Commenting on womens clothing, huh? Well, I guess since you’re in the Navy, you can do those things. Maybe your big hoopy earings were blocking the sound?
A Marine would have stuck with the first thing you thought you heard. <big fat grin>
Last Thursday was the last day in our old office building, and the boss wanted to get a digital photo of all of us with the company sign. One of the other ladies was kneeling on the ground in front of the sign that I and another lady were holding. The picture was taken, and the kneeling girl started to stand up. She said, what I thought was “That sign was resting on my clit.”
My jaw dropped and before I could stop myself, I said, “Your WHAT!!!”
She looked at me funny and said, “My clip. Why?”
I started laugh and, of course, got accused of having a dirty mind by the rest of my co-workers. (Hadn’t they been working with me long enough to realize that?)
About five minutes later, she realized what I’d misheard.
Then of course there’s the old joke:
Guy comes up to a dame in a bar and says “Tickle your ass with a feather?”
The dame says “WHAT did you say!?”
Guy says “P’tickly nasty weather.”
She says “Oh dear, I misheard you. Yes it is bad.”
A drunk overhears this and tells the guy he wants to try.
He asks the same dame “Want to fuck?”
She says “WHAT did you say!?”
He says “Looks like rain.”
Here in Canada, there was a commercial for Tide laundry detergent that began with the narrator saying…
"Tide asks Canadians...."
…which sounds remarkably like…
"Tight ass Canadians..."
Always made me look twice!
I was at a local travel agent’s office, paying for tickets for my first international flight (going to Isreal to visit my first lover). While the agent was entering data into the computer, he turned to me and said in a polite voice: Oh, by the way, I go down!
I just sat there, dumbfounded. I couldn’t think of anything to say.
A little while later, I called him on the phone and asked him about it. He as rather huffy and said ‘no, I didn’t say that’ I still wonder what he really said…
First day of highschool: my friend and I walk into the cafeteria dining room, as the girl behind us screams “There’s peanuts in my soup!” We look at each other, and our jaws drop. Neither of us had heard the [t]…
Overheard a boy in the hallway saying
“Stop trying to eat my nipple!”
to one of his friends.
Turns out they were fighting over a NICKEL
which the second boy had stolen and popped into his mouth.
The first time I went to the Starbucks near my place and ordered my coffee, I swear the kid behind the counter said to me: “Do you want a room?”
Ok, so what he really said was “Do you want room?” meaning “…for cream in your coffee”, but I was pretty shocked till I realized what he said. Damn kid, hittin’ on me… 
And as for the “Buck it Up” pizza commercial…
We won’t even go there.
Back when I was a young 'un growing up, we had a couple of plum trees in the back yard. Every summer they’d be swarmed with Japanese beetles eating the leaves, and so my brother and I would go catch a bunch. Then we’d put ‘em all in a coffee can, throw in a jumpin’ jack or a firecracker, put the lid on, and watch 'em burn or explode.
Anyway, around this time one summer our family took a trip down to the beach. One day we all happen to be in our hotel room while the maid is cleaning. My mom has always been one to make conversation with people over just about anything, so she and the maid start talking:
Mom: Do ya’ll get many Japanese beetles down here?
Maid: Not a lot, but we do get some.
Mom: We get 'em pretty bad up where we live. My sons like to go out, catch a bunch of 'em and then burn 'em up.
A look of utter horror spread across the maid’s face. She thought my mom had been talking about Japanese people.
Heh heh heh…cracks me up every time I think of it!
These are TOO funny. I have two of my own…
One time my mother-in-law was visiting and I was looking for a pen, or something, and reached down to get one out of a Snoopy characters tin. She has a bit of a Yankee accent.
She asked me:
“Did you find one in your penis box?”
I said, “… um, excuse me…?”
She had said “Peanuts box” – the characters all together are called “Peanuts”. It was REALLY funny, especially since she worked in the labor and delivery room at the hospital, and never minded being, well, medical.
Also, in college, my philosophy professor would use these general statements when we were talking about different philosophical points of view. One was “the morning star is the evening star”. The other one was “all pros are black”. He would say, "now even though you’ve never seen a white pro, under such and so belief, that doesn’t mean one doesn’t exist, or does it… and on and on.
And I was thinking… pros? Like professionals? I didn’t know WHAT he was talking about, and was thinking, man, this dude is really racist…
Of course, about a month before the class ended, I finally heard him say “CROWS”.
Doy.
bwk
Long before I was born and soon after my parents were married they were living in an apartment. They had a neighbor they didn’t know very well but one day showed up at their door. My mom invited her in and noticed the woman looked very distraught and sad. She asked the neighbor what was wrong and she replied that “Her dad had just died”. Well, my mom had heard that “Her cat had just died”. My mom, not a huge animal lover, replied, “Oh really? We just got rid of ours last week. We had to take him out in the country and dump him. Was yours that big black one that was always prowling around at night?”
My father actually HEARING the conversation was standing behind the neighbor waving his arms back and forth and mouthing, “NO! NO!”
Just THINKING about that makes me laugh.
These are all WAY too funny! I needed that this morning!
In seventh grade the teacher was lecturing about the Balkans. One fluff brained girl got more and more disgusted and finally stood up and said, “Don’t those people get offended when you call them that?”
Every time he said “the Slavs” she thought he was saying “the Slobs.”
Snerk.
It has been with great fear and trepidation that I have been awaiting the revival of this thread, as I have myself fallen victim to auditory error.
Sitting at lunch the other day, some programmers and developers were talking about security measures they’ve had at places they’ve worked. Eventually, the topic moved to future measures. The guy sitting next to me mentions something.
I turn to him and say in disbelief "Rectal scans?" Half way through “scans” I realize he said “retinal,” but it was too late.
The two of us, being the only ones to hear this, turned beet red laughing as hard as we could for the next couple of minutes…whenever one of us would try to straighten up and wipe the smile from our face, the other would snicker and it’d be on again.
<hanging head>
Sorry 'bout mocking you, Chief.
There’s a new “dry-clean in your dryer” product just been launched here called “Svit”… think it’s Scandinavian. Unfortunately, the way the voiceover on the advert goes, it sounds like “Spit”…
William Hague (leader of the Conservative Party) keeps talking about how the UK needs a new direction… it always sound to me like “Britain must find a nude erection…”.
Years ago there was a Chiffon margarine commercial that used the line “If you think it’s butter, but it’s not…”
My Mother heard: “If you think it’s butter but it’s SNOT…”
We laughed for years over that, and I have NEVER bought Chiffon margarine!
On a related note, someone drew balloons on the whiteboard at work to celebrate a birthday. I took one look, and asked “Who drew sperm on the board, and why?”
The birthday girl was not amused.
Balloon strings should be drawn straight, not wiggly, no matter how festive you want them to appear.