What about “Don’t go swiming for 30 minutes after eating!”
And don’t eat fish and ice cream in the same meal it will make you sick as a dog.
Yours truly,
aha
The best advice my mom ever gave me was “Don’t date a man with decals on his car. Bumper stickers show that can commit, but not decals.”
The best lie she told me (that I believed) involved those slippery road signs, with the car that has two tread marks following it. My mom told me it meant that snakes were following your car, and I refused to get out. I slept in the car that night.
The best advice my mom ever gave me was, “Don’t date a man with decals on his car. Bumper stickers show that he can commit, but not decals.”
The best lie she told me (that I believed) involved those slippery road signs, with the car that has two tread marks following it. My mom told me it meant that snakes were following your car, and I refused to get out. I slept in the car that night.
HUH?! Say it ain’t so! Sob!
Actually, as I’ve told my kids, Santa DOES exist, as the personification of the Christmas spirit.
I overheard a mother tell her little daughter that if she kept playing with her belly button, it would pop out, sending her wizzing around the room like a balloon.
VB
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
My mom has always said ‘I hope you have a kid just like you.’
Now she laughs because I do have a kid just like me!
One of my favorites that comes from my grandmother is ‘If you burn your ass you’re going to have to sit on the blisters!’
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Ha, Angkins, my grandma apparently used to say that to my mom, and she got me! After my mom told me that story, she said, “That was the meanest thing she ever said to me, and I’m not going to wish it on you, too.” It seems I was (am?) a nightmare to have around the place.
My mom told us that if we didn’t wear shoes outside we’d get “foot germs” that were on the street, in stores, etc, and not only would make you sick but were also a disgrace upon the good name of the family. I think I was 14 before I realized there was no such thing as foot germs.
Whenever I would say, “can I get a cookie?” (or something to that extent) she’d firmly reply “I’ll cookie you?” Then she started to apply it to everything “But Bobbie said!” “I’ll Bobbie you!”
So, one day I grabbed a mini-recorder, and said strong and proud…
“CAN I HAVE A COOKIE!!”
and she said “I’ll cookie you!”
So I said, “AWW FUCK!”
So she said, “I’ll Fuck you!”
Yup, Mom’s doing 5 to 7 now, I think she get’s out in 2003.
Kisses!
}><(((^><^)))><{
Ophy
Oh, you’re bringing back some baaaaad memories…It wasn’t my Ma, but my Pop.
Remember that back in the olden days (the mid-1970s) the toilet seats in public bathrooms were usually black…
Well, my Pop told me that the black toilet seat indicated the fact that there were snakes in the toilet, and that they would bite you in the ass when you sat down.
Needless to say, I believed him, and wouldn’t get NEAR a black toilet seat. In fact, when I was in kindergarten, I once peed on the floor because I was too scared to go to the bathroom!!! :o
Even today, I shudder when I see a black toilet seat, and have I bad dreams involving scary toilets.
Excuse me, I have to go back to my padded cell now.
I’ve received more advice and promptly filed in the mental circular wastebasket called my mind from my Mom.
Don’t wear black eyeliner.You’ll look cheap.
Nice girls don’t call boys.
Nice girls don’t join the army. ( After she my husbands cousin, a lovely NICE girl and commented thusly, I grinned and said, " She’s a MAJOR in the Army."
I’ve forgotten the rest but I was raised by June Cleaver.
Thanks for the laugh Green Bean!! Is your dad the Jolly Green Giant, by any chance??
{Finish your plate, young lady. Think of all the starving chidren in the world who’d be happy to have that to eat!<once, I said, so send it to them!,boy, did she get mad at me!>}
Sounds like you had MY mom, are you normal?? 
We had to eat everything on our plates, and the irony was, then my dad would call all of us fat!! We couldn’t leave until everything was gone, and with hominy, (anyone find that stuff edible???)I’d be at the table for hours!! Mincing it into ever smaller pieces hoping against hope it would evaporate!!
She forced me to wear this horrid scarf that I would promptly take off the minute I was out of eye range. She yelled at me the minute I got home. When I asked how she knew I had taken it off, she told me, ‘GOD tells me everything you kids do!!’ I was terrified, now I had God after me too!!
“It’s hard to avoid reading because ever wheres we go, reading is there.”
Angkins, that is a literal translation of an old Dutch saying. Do you have some Dutch in you?
Coldfire
Voted Poster Most Likely To Post Drunk
"You know how complex women are"
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
My mother always told me never to go out with a girl who could beat me at arm wrestlin’.
I should have listened to her.
Dr. Watson
“I am weary of swords and courts and kings. Let us go into the garden and watch the minister’s bees.” – Mary Johnston
I’m an adoptee. My Mom, who maintained she’d purchased me from Gypsies, would threaten to sell me back to them.
“If you don’t stop making so much noise I will sell you back to the Gypsies.”
ok, here is the most unique “momism” ever…No one can top this one.
my sister’s brother-in-law was arrested for robbing a gas station.
the brain child robbed the same gas station 3 nights in a row at around the same time each evening.
the store clerk caught on to the pattern and the police were there waiting for him (duh).
anyway, during a conversation between my sister and her mother-in-law, the mom wondered out loud where she went wrong as a parent.
"THAT FING MORON!!! I FING TOLD HIM NEVER ROB THE SAME PLACE TWICE!!!
I swear this is true,
My mother used to insist she could see around corners, when we were first allowed to play in the front drive she would watch us carefully for a few minutes if we went onto the street she’d fly out of the house and sentence us to life in the back yard again. When we would ask how she did that, she would tell us she could see around corners.
As we grew up, when we misbehaved she would threaten us with scratching her name off our birth certificates, to which we would reply that we had already done this !
“Patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings.” Bob Dylan
My aunt actually did burn her ass on a wood stove, trying to warm up when she was a kid. The saying has merit.
My aunt actually did burn her ass on a wood stove, trying to warm up when she was a kid. The saying has merit.
My aunt actually did burn her ass on a wood stove, trying to warm up when she was a kid. The saying has merit.
Man! I waited two months for someone to post this topic, and no one bit on my Johnny Cash reference!
I’ve been spending too much time in GQ.
Change Your Password, Please and don’t use HTML, as it has been disabled, but you can learn about superscripts here
My momma told me to always be a good boy, don’t play around with guns.
But, I shot a man in Reno…
“If I pinch my nose with my fingers, close my mouth tight,
and blow real hard, I can make my ears bleed. It’s
not as cool as Superman’s X-ray vision, but it’s my own
special talent.”