Goddammit T, if you insist on doing that in bed yer gonna have to sleep in the cage again.
“Stop biting my face, you freak.” (Charles T. Cat has dominance issues.)
“Will you settle down and suck your toe already?” (Newt has neurotic sucking issues, but has focused them all on a back paw. It’s like cat thumb sucking, but with toes.)
If you’ve got to fart, go sit in someone else’s lap.
remembered another one (thanks to phil417) :
Why are you giving ME that look? YOU’RE the one who pooted!
And its, uh, twisted sister: “Stop humping your brother!*”. Mine are both shootin’ blanks but it doesn’t slow Sisty down one bit.
*While humming the theme from Deliverance.
Bruno, are you pooping? You are! Wow, check that out. Hey everybody! Come look at Bruno! He’s pooping!
You’re so beautiful, Lloyd…now that I’ve got used to your face.
By the way, I know you were wiping your nose on me.
Said to Wally yesterday:
“QUIT sniffing my panties!”
I’d missed the dirty clothes hamper and they were on the floor.
Shut the fuck up, you ungrateful little bastard!!! Said to our dog, who sleeps with my Darling Marcie (I don’t) and who snarls and barks at me if I only walk past the door.
“Stop licking your dick so I can put your diaper on.”
“Don’t you dare fart on me!”
Ladies and gentlemen, when faced with such a phrase that…“wouldn’t work” I can only withdraw my meager, mildly amusing entry and stand aside for this one.
I like kitty whiskers. I like to make 'em go twonk! (Said as I push them the wrong way, then let go.)
Is that my ickle boy? Gimme your tummy!
The Wonder Beagle (a sweet little old guy, even if he does, as OtakuLoki put it, lack the brains of a turnip) is, alas, incontinent. Nevertheless, he is exceedingly well house-trained. On those rare occasions that he finds himself indoors and naked, he copes by assiduously licking his penis and sheath. He actually does a pretty good job of staying clean as long as he’s awake, but in general I prefer that he pull his head out of his crotch (?) so I can apply a clean wrap.
Don’t spoil it. You’re gonna win the thread if you don’t spoil it. 
“Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!”
“Hello!”
“Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!”
“Hello!”
“Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!”
“Hello!”
“Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!”
“Guess what!?”
“Mrrrreeeeooo-oooooow!”
“It’s time to shut up!”
“Thank you.”
“Hey, I didn’t say it was time to shut up and eat my stuff! It’s hardly ever that time!”
Dog diapers? Tell me more, please.
“You know, I really like your other end better.”
“Stop sniffing your sister’s butt!”
“Got your tail!”
“Stop licking my head!”
Cats. Can’t live with 'em, can’t eat 'em. 
to the calico one: “Who wants a spanking?!”
to her brother: “I see you! You cannot hide! I am the Undisputed International Champion of I See You!”
The Sheckstress tells a different story:
Calico: “If you get your butt out of my face, you may have some corn.”
Brother: “Is it breat time already? Ok, let me clear everything off.”