Written in a Notepad document, while stoned:
*
Coffe stimulant robot fuel allegory
Writer pursued by Colombian dictators*
That’s “Coffe,” not “Coffee”
It all started when I was really high and I was talking to my friend Nate on the phone. We were talking about how so many people can’t function without drinking coffee all day. I was like, “dude, it’s like they’re all robots, and the coffee is their fuel, or something. If all the coffee in America disappeared, the economy would collapse because all the stockbrokers and people on Wall Street wouldn’t be able to do their job. It’s fucking insane! They’re all addicted to coffee!”
Then I had this “brilliant” idea. I was like, "What if I wrote an allegorical story about a future where all the workers are robots and they need to drink some kind of fuel to keep working? But it would be a really obvious parody of coffee and how our society is dependent on it. Ha ha ha. That’s a funny idea. Ha ha, I bet if I wrote that, the coffee companies would come after me, for hurting their business!
Wait, I’ve got a better idea! I’ll write a STORY ABOUT a guy who writes a story about robots fueled by coffee, and then Colombian dictators who own the coffee companies send assassins to kill him!
Wait, ha ha ha, I’ll write a story ABOUT a guy who writes a story ABOUT a guy who writes a story where…"
Nate: Dude, that’s hilarious, you have to write down this idea so you don’t forget it.
And so:
Coffe stimulant robot fuel allegory
Writer pursued by Colombian dictators*
One evening as the stocks went down and the CEO’s went scrambling
Down the hall came a banker strolling and he said boys I’m not gambling
I’m headin’ for a land not far away beside the money fountains
So come with me we’ll go to DC & the Big Taxpayer Mountains
In the Big Taxpayer Mountains they’ll pay our rotten debt
'Cause we bought the representatives and they haven’t failed us yet
Where the folks are bought and paid for and the sun shines every day
On the banks and the stocks and the big old yachts
In the Big Taxpayer Mountains
In the Big Taxpayer Mountains they’re gonna help us now
Or we’ll cause a great depression 'til they’re eating puppy chow
The coffers there are full of loot and the fat cats never pay
Oh I’m gonna go where they can’t say “no”
Where the rain don’t fall and the wind don’t blow
In the Big Taxpayer Mountains
With the Big Taxpayer Dollars we’ll get to keep our yachts
And the little streams of taxes come a-tricklin’ up the rocks
The Congress will all tip their hats and the Senators go blind
The stupid little people will have no voice
You can run 'em all over with a big Rolls Royce
In the Big Taxpayer Mountains
In the Big Taxpayer Mountains the streets are paved with Gold
They’ll be paying off our lousy debts ‘til their grandkids all grow old
There ain’t no consequences for any thing we do
I’m a goin’ to stay where you golf all day
Where I never work like the little jerk
In the Big Taxpayer Mountains
I’ll fleece you all this coming fall in the Big Taxpayer Mountains
“The xmen would be color [sic] with mutant bears”, which I apparently wrote on a post-it after a heavy night of drinking and stuck in the pocket of my bathrobe.
Assuming I meant ‘cooler’, I think that’s undeniably true. If I truly meant color, though, I’m just a drunken idiot. Either way I’m pretty much a pathetic geek.
Back when I was a freshman in college and out of my mind on LSD, I wrote a short blog entry about how beck is a time traveling mutant from the future. That’s how all his jams are so funky, see, 'cause he stole them and sold them to us here in the present.
That’s not so bad. I’m not drinking or drugged or anything, and the first 3 times I read “xmen” it translated to “semen”, which, as you might imagine, really confused me.
I think I might be better off posting (or at least reading) while drunk
Apparently it meant something at the time. I wrote it on a napkin. The next morning my roommate asked me if it meant anything. I said “nah” and he blew his nose into it.
