Female, two teens (14, 16), employed. Usually, I give DH the money and he pays the bills. He just finished school and is not working. What do I need to do to start preparing? I think I need to roll through the files and find out who/what our bills are. What else do you recommend?
I’m hoping we can split the the small house profits (we are on the note) and the debts (most are in my name, I think), keep our respective 401Ks, that I can have the kids. I’d give him one of the cars (all are in my name, too).
If he is not working and you are, it’s going to be hard to pin half the debts on him. Frankly, it might be hard to get out without paying alimony to him.
And if he’s seriously going to make a career out of being unemployed for the meantime, you need to be on your guard that he might try to play the “full custody” card so that he can hit you up for child support. Try to discourage him from hiring his own lawyer, because then you’ll just end up paying twice as much in legal fees, and the other lawyer might very well put bad ideas in your husband’s head.
Also, be aware that his personality will probably make a drastic change, for the worse, when you file for divorce. Your husband is probably a good person overall, and so are you, but be prepared to see some questionable behavior/judgment on his behalf until it all blows over.
Are you thinking about divorce or are you thinking about how divorce will effect you financially? I don’t know your situation and I can’t judge, but if you have legitimate grievances with no chance of reconciliation you should do it. If not, don’t do it. Finances shouldn’t be the deciding factor. Your marriage and your children should be.
Best case scenario you say “I want a divorce” he says “me too” you say “I want this this and this, you can have that that and that” and he says “sold!” You seek out a lawyer jointly to write up your agreement, you submit it to a judge, he commends you on being more reasonable and fair than most, he bangs his gavel, you’re free.
Worst case scenario, he gets bitter, he hires a pissed off junkyard dog lawyer who litigates EVERYTHING, you spend years and years submitting to court ordered psychiatric evaluations and defending yourself from attacks on your character, then the money all runs out, your lawyers split, you have nothing to argue over anymore, and you’re divorced and bankrupt and bitter.
Only a lawyer can adequately give you an idea of where things might fall between those two examples.
If you’re thinking about divorce, you should talk about that with your husband, not a bunch of random people on the internet. This is a serious thing to be thinking about, and he deserves to know you’re thinking it, even if it doesn’t go through.
He hasn’t contributed financially for many years- stay at home dad that I put through school, so I think I will do OK financially. The kids love him but don’t like him. Neither do I. He’s cranky, selfish, rude…
That’s what I’m thinking, too. I think courts aren’t nearly as quick to assign alimony as they used to be, but in this circumstance with him not working and in a position of having not worked to raise the kids (that will be his story regardless of what it actually was) might result in you paying spousal support, Ca3799.
Of course, I don’t know all your circumstances and I’m not even close to a lawyer, so I’m just basically saying be prepared for that result.
Definitely find out what all your bills and debts and assets and stuff are (make copies and keep them at work or something if you like).
Have you talked to your husband at all about the possibility that your lives together are over?
Am I remembering correctly that the OP lives in Texas?
If so, then alimony is a possibility, but it’d probably be capped at about 3 years - this is what a website on TX divorce said that alimony might be granted if:
"the parties have been married at least ten years and the receiving spouse has some kind of financial limitation (disability, unable to work because caring for the party’s child, or lacks earning ability to meet minimum reasonable needs).
The monthly amount of court ordered maintenance is capped at the lesser of: a) $2,500 or b) 20% of the monthly payor’s gross income.
The maximum duration of court ordered maintenance is three years. The only exception is when maintenance is ordered as the result of a disability, in which case the duration can potentially extend indefinitely. "
So you’d pay him a max of $2500 a month for 3 years, hopefully work out a joint custody or sole custody situation to avoid having to pay him child support as well.
$2500 * 36 months = $90,000 of your hard earned money goes out the door along with the big lunk. Not very pretty. But some states can be much, much, worse.
You can get a basic consult with a lawyer for a nominal ($50-75) amount. Even in an initial consult, a lawyer ought to be able to cover some basics for you – such as the likelihood of having to pay spousal support to your husband, etc.
You mean bad ideas other than the one “Try to discourage your spouse from hiring his own lawyer”? Because that is a bad idea and an asshole piece of advice right there.
I recognize that in threads like this the idea is that we give the OP advice that will make this process easier for her, but i think we should also try not to give advice intended to screw over someone who we don’t know, and who may not deserve it.
And just what would constitute “bad ideas” in your view? Maybe telling the husband to pursue his legal rights in the divorce settlement? Should the OP’s husband bend over and take whatever he’s given, without the benefit of independent legal advice, just because you think that would be the right thing for the OP?
Well, by “bad ideas” I was thinking more along the lines of the husband hiring a hard-nosed lawyer that gets him pumped up, full of outrage at OP filing divorce on him, and deciding that he is entitled to more than half the assets, none of the debts, full custody, child support, etc., etc., that will make it more complicated and difficult to get the matter resolved quickly so that everyone can get on with their lives.
I apologize if it sounded like I was advocating for the OP to try and screw over her husband. I don’t think that she should do that, at all. It just seems like there’s the potential for the husband to get off on the wrong track if he hired the wrong sort of lawyer, at the expense of everyone in the family. I was just pointing that out.
Well. I just talked to him about it and got some issues temporarily cleared up, have made some plans to solve some upcoming issues and we agreed to revisit the possibility of divorce again in a couple of weeks. That was kinda nice, really, because I don’t really talk to him all that much.
He was very, very opposed to the idea of divorce, which surprised me as he seems and acts so miserable all the time. I am not, but am going to give it another try. I’ll still collect important documents and information just in case.
Glad you talked to him about it. Sorry things have come to this. Good luck to both of you, and your children.
As a kid who was a teenager when his parents got divorced, I can honestly say that I know divorce is the absolute best option sometimes. I was a much happier person once my parents got divorced and split up.
The very first thing you do is talk to a lawyer about it. I have a friend in a very similar situation. Her lawyer told her to encourage him to get a job or she will be sicced with alimony. He has held jobs off and on during their marriage but most of the support for the family comes from her.