…and enlightening. Let’s write a sentence in the vernacular we grew up with and see if others can figure it out. I’ll start:
Retch me some a them arsh batatas.
Does that say “Fetch me some of those mash potatoes?” Did you grow up in a colony for people with cleft palates or something 
? I’m hugely curious what dialect that is.
I’ll try “He frew me wiff a stone jus’ now so I mos dondered him”
“Retch” is reach which is used for hand/pass. “Arsh” is Irish, meaning white (usually boiled), not yams. “Batatas”…(short a, long a, short a)…Press us and we’ll use “p” instead of “b” for potatoes, but I have yet to hear an Appalchian native pronounce the o.". If somebody was to it’s okay to shoot 'em because yer not from around here are ya, boy?
Now I’ll try to “cipher” your sentence.
Oh, East TN “country.”
Basically clueless, but I parse (can’t believe I’m using that word and I’m not even on Jeopardy) it’s figurative and you’ve plussed one. Love the last word. What does it mean? Where are you from? “Dondered.” I want that word.
It’s South African - specifically, it’s the English-mother-tongue variant of Cape Flats Coloured English dialect (there’s also an Afrikaans-mother-tongue variant of the dialect, and they’re fairly different)
It says “He threw a stone at me, a short while ago, so I, of course, beat him soundly”
Some of it is very dialectal (the use of “f” for the “th” sounds which Afrikaans doesn’t have, cutting off the terminal “t” of some words)
Some is general South Africanism (“just now” means “a short while ago, could be a few minutes, could be a couple hours, but, despite appearances, not immediately before” - if someone tells you they’ll do something “Just now”, they mean a slightly shorter-term version of the Spanish mañana)
Some is inherited from Afrikaans grammar (The “threw me with a stone” rather than “threw a stone at me”, for instance)
Some are actual Afrikaans words - “mos” means something like “of course, obviously” but is a little more nuanced than that. “Donder” is the Afrikaans for thunder (pronounced something like “Dawn-er”, the second “D” is not usually voiced). The archaic Afrikaans word for lightning, “bliksem”, can also be used for the exact same meaning of a beating, but more often corporal punishment with an implement, like a cane or belt. (You might recognize the German equivalents in the names of Santa’s reindeer: Donner and Blitzen)
There’s a fairly common sign you see around here titled Sauna Rules. It’s meant as a joke, but if you read it out loud, it actually really does transpose the speech style of a lot of old Yooper Finns.
“Oly, oly oxen free.”
We said this as kids when playing hide and seek. Do kids still say this today?
“Hey, da game is on for my birfday! Let’s go watch in da fronchroom.”
(Actually, I don’t hear the “d” substitution for “th”, myself, but it’s the classic claim of the dialect, so I’ll trust the stereotype. “Fronchroom” is totally accurate, however, and “birfday” is an accurate peculiarism of a particular neighborhood my grandmother grew up in.)
Len’ me uh buck an uh caw’uh? I needuh geh uh ba’ul uh waw’uh.
We didn’t actually say that. Somebody must have heard it and translated it for our peer group so that what I heard, and said, was “Ole, ole, able sings.” And no, it didn’t make any sense to me then. Later on I saw in print the version you mentioned (or something close to that) and figured that had to be the origin of it.
What I’d like to contribute, and to ask if any others used anything similar, is a gesture made with the lower lip while silently mouthing something like “puh, puh, puh.” It was used to ridicule somebody who was being pretentious or “uppity.” Quite a few in my peer group of kids used it, and I later found adults in a different locale doing something similar.
My favorite as an adult was in one of those meetings of co-workers where some wannabe hot dog was going on about some new project and using a lot of buzzwords and corpspeak to appear more important than he (or she) really was. The gal sitting next to me looked at me and did the “puh, puh, puh” thing and I broke out laughing! Many turned around to see what was so funny. I was totally embarrassed. But that gal became a good friend after that and it was almost like a secret code we had shared. I didn’t think anybody outside my kids’ peer group would have known about it.
I would have thought anyone who said “Batata” was from Scranton PA (where a seven course meal is a six-pack and a batata)
See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sMI2jb16eo
http://www.cs.uofs.edu/~bss3/Haynaes.html
Wow! These are good! But what do they all mean? (I could almost read the Finnish one.)
Is “fronchroom” front room?
There are times when growing up with a standard newscaster Midwest accent is no fun at all.
That’s way too much.* “How ‘bout I traja f’ my spaldeen?”*
Translation:
Sauna (pronounced sow-na) Rules
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Sit on top bench at your own risk. (Finnish saunas are wet; the steam goes up, the top bench is the hottest)
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Remember this: Too much steam gets you real dizzy. You tumble down and break your bones at your own risk.
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If sweat gets in your eyes, just blink a couple of times.
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If you get a sliver in your backside from the bench, don’t holler too loud. Neighbors will think we’re butchering a pig, and be looking for pork chops next day, and right away be asking “When the head cheese be done?”
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When you’re all done (or if you slip on the soap), put it back in the soap dish. Don’t leave it melting on the bench.
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If you get too hot, go jump in the lake!
Yes. 
I was in my 20s before I figured out that when my grandmother said “Arshtaters” she meant Irish potatoes. (Alabama)
I am trying, but this is hard because in Chicago we speak with such pure English. No accents, just English the way God meant it to be spoken.
Interesting thread. Especially enjoyed the Sauna Rules, heh. Me, I can’t really contribute–grew up in Cincinnati, where we’re pretty much in the land of midwestern neutral, with maybe a touch of southern influence from Kentucky (or maybe just because my folks all more or less derived at the grandparent level and back from Appalachia). Weirdest thing we do is say “please” when we mean “come again, I didn’t hear that?”.