“Own a mansion for the price of a townhouse!” the real-estate listing said. “Imagine playing host to summer guests in the garden room, on the patio, on the upstairs and downstairs screened porches!”
I don’t even like people. I don’t want to be a host. Yet we bought. Don’t be impressed. We paid far less than you’d imagine. We love our neighbors, we love the historic block. But this is Trenton, NJ, after all. Last week the cops pulled a gun on a burglary suspect in the yard next door. Mr. MercyStreet and I directed the cops to his location from our perch on the second floor.
The former homeowner managed to get paint on every speck of door and window hardware. How many windows do we own? Thirty-eight. How many doors? At least 40. I have about HAD IT with removing hardware, boiling it, shining it, and reattaching.
We have four full bathrooms. Last week a plumber came in to say hello to a leak or two. He took a look, started to laugh, and poked his assistant. “I can’t help you,” he said. “The only person who can help you is Tommy from A to Z Plumbing. And even Tommy may not be able to help you.”
Mansion. Townhouse.
The hell were we thinking? THE HELL?!
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous, of course, is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never buy real estate based on the marketing description!”
On the plus side, with some time, effort, and money, you can have a truly unique home.
Are you a first time home owner? Are you handy? Do you have who is your homeowners insurance carrier? You may be entitled to some renumeration, but having not seen your contracts I have no idea. A colonial revival in Trenton New Jersey. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
Sorry, I had to say something. I live in a 4700sqft modern log home, built in the 90’s.
The place, actually, is in pretty good shape. Of course we have to completely strip the exterior, prime, and repaint. And there is the issue of funky gutters.
Those jobs will blow ass.
I’m quite handy. Mr. MercyStreet is getting the hang of things.
Our homeowners insurance is … wait for it! … $1600. Per year.
If it makes you feel any better, our lovely “new” home in Pottstown, PA is not much better. Oh, it was great when we walked through and it had all the previous owner’s stuff in it. Then he moved out and left us with a very “settled” 1928 half-double with all the original windows. Painted shut, of course. The hardwood (oak) floor in one of the bedrooms has been painted with green exterior paint. No, seriously.
Also, we have very low water pressure due to something that the boro did, like, 100 years ago, but which it is now our responsibility to fix, plus we have a leaky roof over the mud porch that causes water to drip through our exposed “historic” knob and tube wiring. Didn’t know about the drip because it didn’t rain the day of the inspection. And don’t get me started on the so-called garage.
So, I feel your pain, dude. I wear sunglasses indoors when it gets really depressing, and watch a lot of Colin Firth movies on DVD. Eventually everything will get done, hopefully by someone who is not us.
Still - Trenton? What were you thinking?
PS - For $1600 a year, your insurance agent better pick up a gosh darn paintbrush.