Those little moments of... um... of... er...

… Absent-mindedness. That’s it.

To wit:

One’s house key does not also serve to unlock the door of one’s automobile.

It is not necessary to dial 9 when making outgoing calls at home.

To be useful, a grocery list should consist of more than a simple count of the number of items to be bought. (“Deodorant, shampoo, cereal… what the hell was the fourth thing?”)

After unscrewing the cap on one’s juice bottle, it is recommended that the cap be re-screwed tightly if one is planning to shake the juice again.

If one wishes to scratch an itch with the end of one’s pen, it is suggested that one use something other than the writing tip. This is particularly true if the itch is on one’s face.

The top of the refrigerator is insufficiently cold to maintain ice cream’s consistency. The ice cream should be placed inside the freezer for best results.

The cat does not care if one has merely forgotten about its position of repose on the back of the couch when one decides to stretch one’s arms. As far as the cat is concerned, a punch in the head is a punch in the head.

One should make sure a door is actually open before trying to walk through it.

Checking the contents of one’s beer bottle is suggested before one requests a fresh beverage.

The clothes dryer will not start itself. After transferring the wet laundry from the washer, adding a softening sheet, and closing the dryer door, it is then necessary to press the start button, lest one find one’s laundry still sodden the following morning.

If one allows one’s phone to ring with the intention of subsequently checking voicemail to determine the importance of the call, it’s generally not helpful to then completely forget that the phone rang at all.

Do not fail to wash one’s hands thoroughly in the intervening period between the handling of hot sauce and the fingering of one’s eye, nose, genitalia, or sexual partner.

And:

First underpants, then pants, then shoes. Then go outside.

anxiously checks order of layering of undergarments

One really should remember to take one’s cashcard out of the photocopier control at the research library, else one is a complete absent-minded nonghead yet again and has to down two levels to fork over another $2 and enough money to put on the new card. And try not to leave this one in the damn machine as well …

When one has set an alarm to remind one to take meds at a certain time, and the alarm goes off, and one then turns off the alarm and goes to the refrigerator for a beverage with which to swallow the pills, one should remember to actually consume the meds before finishing the beverage.

  • First thing to do when I get into the office is to manually flip the un-lock button so that if I bop over to the vending machine and close the door behind me, I’m not locked out.

  • Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

  • Once you set the temperature on the oven, it is then necessary to press “START” and not “CANCEL” if you would like there to be heat.

  • The frozen pizza will not automatically shut off the oven and remove itself from said oven.

  • Contacts in, THEN shave.

One need not answer the phone at home as they answer the phone at their job.

While cooking with the stove, do not impulsively decide to take out the garbage when your apartment door locks behind you and the key to that very door remains hanging in the kitchen, near the stove. Especially when you live on the 3rd floor.
shoulder is still sore from ramming it through the locked door

Cell phones cannot be programmed to change the TV channel.

Entering the cost of a vending machine item into the keypad will not have the same result as entering the actual reference number.

Upon entering an elevator, it is not necessary to press your current floor number. Just pressing the destination floor number is sufficient.

Swiping your Metrocard is not required when you are departing the subway.

It’s best to clear your computer’s memory cache, page history and cookies immediately after enjoying pornographic images or movies. 2-year olds are not amused when the material on The Wiggles website is interrupted by double penetration or bukkake clips. Spouses also seem to become enraged when, while attempting to type in bigbargains.com, the autofill feature mysteriously fills in bigbooty.com.

wipes away tears from laughing so hard You just made my day, Jackknifed Juggernaut! I must now show this to the SO when he gets back from class. Hehe bigbooty.com…it just sounds silly when you say it out loud. :stuck_out_tongue:

It is helpful to remember who you’ve called while you wait for their answering machine message to finish
And the beep means ‘please speak now’.

John Lithgow has a site dedicated to Buckaroo Bonzai???

The inverse also holds true. Pushing the auto-unlock button on one’s keychain will not slide back the deadbolt on one’s front door.

When checking to see if an opaque mug has liquid in it, it is advised to pick up the cup and look into it to check its contents. Do not tilt the mug toward your keyboard.

Before one gets into one’s alarm-protected car, one should beep the little beeper so one is not embarrassed in front of all.

One should walk slowly around the bedroom door and not forget that one had placed the laundry basket right next to it only five minutes before.

One should put the apartment-issued laundry card which costs $5 to replace in the same damn place every damn time.

Unlike virtually all public restrooms, your own bathroom at home does not come equipped with sensors on the faucet. Ditto your kitchen sink. Waving your hands under the tap is not sufficient to cause water to flow. Don’t just keep trying to find the magic spot. It’s not there. Reach for the handle and manipulate it in the appropriate fashion to receive water of the desired temperature and flow strength. You must manipulate the handle again to stop the water when you’ve finished your ablutions.

Checks order of DVDs on shelf

Checks order of books on shelf

Checks for dust on top of bookshelf by swiping finger

sighs contentedly

When looking for one’s glasses, one should make at least one swipe at the top of one’s head.

The words "Oh, I’ll remember:

-to run that errand
-to call that person
-where I put that down

are the most misguidedly optimistic words in the world.

When heading out for dinner, do not make that left turn towards the office when the restaurant is on the other side of town

One should never put any item in a “safe place.” “Safe Place” is code for “you will never find this item again.”

Not only will the car clicker not open one’s front door, neither will it turn off the television.

Despite the fact that most of the items currently on the coffee table belong inside the purse, the remote control is not one of them. Nor will the remote control unlock your car on the way home.

Ovens come equipped with handy mechanisms normally used to time one’s cooking. It is helpful to set these timers to avoid sudden combustion of one’s dinner.

The best time to set these timers is right after putting dinner in the oven, not after some indeterminate amount of time has passed and one begins to wonder how long until dinner is ready.

Note to self: Try not to leave faculty copier card in machine yet again. How many times have I written this note to self, only to have self not listen–again?

When reheating cup of coffee in microwave, don’t leave it there for an hour, or else further reheating follows.

And stop leaving keys on car seat instead of putting them back in purse before exiting car. Duh.