Your best friend’s phone number is not that hard to remember. Neither, incidentally, is your PIN number at the ATM.
You wouldn’t have to be scouring the buses along Avenue Road and phoning in every day to Bay Station if you’d just remembered to pick up your damn paper when you got off the bus on Monday. Really.
Yes, those are your new shoes. No, they’re not Dad’s. No, they’re not Eric’s. Mum doesn’t wear sneakers, remember?
But, first, you should place your finger above your nose, where the nose-bridge normally is. That way you’ll find them if you’re wearing them.
Just because today is the third workday of the week (Monday was a holiday), that does not mean it is Wednesday, no matter how much it feels like it is.
The door lock and unlock buttons on the car clicker do not affect the trunk.
Tilting it toward the front of your shirt is not the recommended procedure, either.
Remember a phone number? Isn’t that what that list of names in your cell phone is for?
In the morning, when you drive to work, take a left into the parking lot, roll down your window, apply the card to the card-sensing-gate-doohickey, and drive into the lot, these actions must be completed in that precise order. Rolling your window down instead of hitting your left turn signal only confuses you and the other drivers.
If you can’t find the card-sensing-gate-doohickey, maybe it’s because you haven’t made the turn into the parking lot yet and are sitting in the middle of the street with your window down and your arm hanging out of it with your card. You are a dumbass.
When washing clothes, it is recommened that you actually close the lid of the washing machine if you want it to continue the entire wash cycle.
You must actually push “START” on the dryer to make it heat up and run. Just setting the time is not enough.
Just thinking about putting a Bounce sheet in the dryer does not make the clothes soft and nice-smelling and free of static. You must actually put a Bounce sheet in the dryer.
The proper procedure is to bring the glass to your lips and then tilt it.
Putting the little block of detergent into the dishwasher and closing the door does not automatically make the plates clean. You have to actually run the dishwasher.
You do not live in a Douglas Adams novel. The elevators are not psychic. You really do have to press the button instead of standing there fiddling with your mp3 player.
Use the first password that comes to mind. If you try to think up something clever, you’ll never be able to remember it later.
Note to anyone thinking of stealing my laptop:
The document hidden in an innocent looking folder in My Documents is not a Word Document listing those user name/password combinations I can’t ever remember.
Nope. Nothing like that on MY laptop.
The home garage door remote will probably not open the gate at the office parking garage.
Just putting the laundry soap in the washer and turning it on will not wash clothes. The same goes for the dishwasher and dishes.
Turning on the light switch to look for the flashlight during a power failure will not be a success.
If you can’t see your glasses without wearing your glasses, when you take them off, put them in a really obvious place, not the nearest flat surface.
Yeah, I’ve password-protected that file. 
Corollary: If one does remember to use the handy timing mechanism, it is helpful to be aware that merely hearing it go “ding” does not turn off the heat - And follow up on that awareness. . . immediately, not in an hour or so.
And amazingly, this action follows through for all the rooms. Even if you keep trying it.
Just because glass baking pans are transparent doesn’t mean they’re not hot when they come out of the oven.
When taking a shower, you must keep track of whether or not you have already washed your hair.
Sometimes when the little message box asks “Are you sure?” you should give some thought as to whether or not you are sure.
Is it plugged in?
No, seriously, is it plugged in?
When you are holding an edible/drinkable object in one hand, and a non-edible/non-drinkable object in the other hand, be careful which one you put to your mouth.
Uncap the water bottle first.
When you are looking for something that you just had, be sure to check your hand first.
When the water is boiling, it means that it is hot. You should not decide, now that boiling has commenced, that it is an optimal time to reach into the water to grab something.
If you find yourself missing your laptop, before calling your wife to inform her that you must drive an hour all the way back home, you should check your right shoulder to confirm that the bag is not hanging there.
In case of the above, when, in your relief that your laptop bag is on your shoulder, you say to yourself, “The thing I must have forgotten is my lunch!” you would be well advised to to check your right hand. :smack:
Wow, excellent thread! When I read the OP, I thought of loads of fantastic examples! So I went up to get some cereal before I started my reply.
:smack:
But seriously, can a man be any more embarresed or lost for words than when the girl he’s spent the last half hour chatting up at the bar turns to him and says “You don’t remember me, do you?”
I assure you, he can not.
Corollary: When one places one’s briefcase, purse, or other personal items on the roof of the car in order to free a hand to unlock the door, it is strongly recommended that one retrieve said items prior to entering the car and driving away.
It is not enough for one to merely set the time one wishes to arise on the alarm clock one must also turn said alarm clockon in order to be able to arise at the desired time.
One will find it easier to squeeze toothpaste out of the tube if one first takes the cap off the tube.
Also if one takes the cap off the shaving cream can, one can then squirt out the shaving cream into the palm of one’s hand.
The faucet for hot water is on the left. The faucet for cold water is on the right.
The blue bottle is shampoo. The green bottle is shower gel.
Do not store sugar or flour in the oven. While we’re on the subject the milk goes back into the fridge not the pantry.
Do try to notice if one has grabbed the oven cleaner instead of the air freshener before one sends a nice healthy squirt all over the kitchen.
It’s a wonder I’m still alive. :o
One should note assume that remote controls are homing pigeons.