Thoughts on becoming a SAHM

In My Humble Opinion
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Apologies if this doesn’t fit here, but this seems like a good thread to talk about kids and autism. It doesn’t fit in any of the mini-rant threads, because it is the opposite of that, and I don’t think is interesting enough to deserve its own thread. I’ll try and bring it back around to be on topic.

I need to give a big shout-out and kudos to the Trimble corporation and their Project Spectrum. If you’re not in construction, probably the only way you’d know Trimble is through their SketchUp software, which is used for 3d modeling. It can do everything from a quick mockup of a real or virtual 3d space, to designing objects for 3d printing or other manufacturing.

Over spring break they hosted a SketchUp class aimed at kids with autism. Completely for free, they took kids for 3 hours a day, for all 5 days, provided laptops and snacks, and two adults to mind the kids. They’d talk a little bit about how people use SketchUp, then just helped the kids to create whatever they wanted, and at the end let the kids present their designs, or not, no pressure.

It was really amazing, and almost completely altruistic. None of these kids are going to buy a $(call for quote) 3d laser scanning system to survey their construction site, and they can all use SketchUp for free with their school Google account, so they aren’t even buying a subscription.

My kid absolutely loved it. They never once protested going, and at the end asked if they can do it again (Yes!).

Also, they were totally cool with me filling up my cup from the free (and good) coffee in the cafe. I never did look for the “wall of candy” that one of the other parents mentioned.

To bring it back to the topic. Wee Weasel is probably still too young for this exact type of experience, but do keep an eye out for similar opportunities in the community. The parental benefits of this were great. It got the kid out of the house; it gave the kid a reason to wake up in the morning, so the school sleep schedule wasn’t completely shot by the end of break; and the general parental warm glow of seeing your kid enjoy something is priceless (also free coffee).

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(off topic)IIRC Trimble was an early producer of GPS receivers(/off topic)
Brian

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This is great! I’m glad that his IEP team is working for him.

Wee Weasel reminds me a lot of one of the kids in my son’s class. Who is definitely socially behind but it’s been really heartening to see how he is thriving at this (small) school where he wasn’t thriving in his previous bigger school.

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Thanks for sharing about this! I’ll keep my eye out for opportunities.

I just read through the boy’s eval/IEP. There’s a lot there he still needs help with. It’s always a bit overwhelming all at once. One step at a time.

But we sent it on to the new school and they said they will be working on his admissions evaluation over Spring Break.

I’m hoping his challenges are not too much for them, but I can live with either outcome. I just hate waiting on things!

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Well I have a minute so I might as well provide an update.

Wee Weasel has been conditionally accepted into the school for neurodiverse children, but they want him to come for the first week of school before giving their final admission decision, which is profoundly annoying if you’re trying to make sure your kid has a continuous education. So we’re keeping him enrolled in his current school just in case it doesn’t work out.

His behavior has been escalating at school again. On one lovely day the school sent him home because he wouldn’t stop licking everything. I feel like they give him so much attention when he does these challenging behaviors and then treat everything as a disciplinary issue and let it escalate but hey, he won’t be there long I guess.

Meanwhile we got the results of his sleep study and he’s been diagnosed with moderate obstructive sleep apnea. I didn’t expect that at all. It explains a lot about his struggles. Poor kid’s not getting any sleep! We are looking into tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy.

Meanwhile we’ve also been house hunting which has been one of the most stressful experiences of my life. I’m very sleep deprived. We found a great place finally where they accepted our offer and we’re trying to finalize the purchase agreement this weekend.

It’s a condo in our preferred school district which has an excellent reputation with 2e kids. It has beautiful vaulted ceilings and a well-finished basement for us to have a TV room and office space. The location is perfect and in very high demand. We put in an offer the day it went on the market.

I’m more tired than I can put into words. But all of this seems to be moving in a positive direction. We just have to get through the painful transition.

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Ah, I was thinking about you and wondering how things were going! Wow that is a LOT on your plate but it looks like things are resolving and hopefully crossing fingers will be a lot less stressful very soon!

Ohhhh sleep apnea! I guess that does explain a lot, wow! I get so grumpy when I don’t get enough sleep.

Uggggh my kids are/have been at a school that isn’t nominally for neurodiverse children but does in fact have a lot of them, and I see where they’re coming from wanting to have a week with the kid to see if they can in fact meet his needs (our school doesn’t do that but there have been several cases where it would have been very good for everyone if they did…)… but so annoying to try to figure out your life!

If you’re moving in the near future, would you consider enrolling him in the new school district before the school year begins as your safety instead? It sounds like if the neurodiverse school doesn’t work out, that might actually be better for him?

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I was just thinking about you, too. I’m so sorry about the stress. House hunting/moving and everything in between is just a lot, and then with all you have on your plate to begin with, it can’t be easy. Take care of yourself. I hope your work situation is running smoothly.

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Yes..I’ve thought about you as well Spice.

You’ll get thru this. No telling what’s next, tho’. Cause you know there’s always next.

Good luck, stay in touch.

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Man, can the universe dump any more on your plate? If I believed there was a God I’d wonder what you’d done to piss Him off.

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I think we decided to enroll at the local school district as a backup, yeah. It has a better reputation overall for 2e kids. That’s actually why we picked the location we did.

I finally got some sleep! I’m in a much better mood.

And we have a finalized, signed purchase agreement. :smiley:

It’s a lot to do, but it’s all in service of something really meaningful, so I’m okay with it.

Today my son hesitated before going into class, turned and ran back to me, and said, “I need to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I love you so much!”

Can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to hear that.

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Things are looking up all over!

And three cheers for everybody getting enough sleep.

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wow! that is a lot happening at once.

that one sentence of 5 words; that is everything.

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Hahaha I just found out I have a federal grant due the day of closing.

Now I’m starting to suspect some immortal being is screwing with me.

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i can tell you i did breathe an amazing amount better after the tonsil/adenoid surgery. i had it done around 9 or 10. wow! i couldn’t believe the difference. i was a mouth breather most of my life until then.

the downside was the first time i went swimming and water went up my nose! that never happened before. it was horrible. i’ve used nose plugs ever since.

nose breathing went well until allergies kicked in, back to mouth breathing…until allergy shots cleared that up.

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Yay for sleep!! And finalized purchase agreement!

Wooooow. That’s amazing!!

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Good stuff all around!

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I have a question that I hope that I phrase correctly. I’ve sat on this draft for a while, as I don’t want to offend you, You obviously have a lot of love for your son, and he sounds like an amazing kid.

I observe that you have prioritized his needs. You are moving to accommodate his education, which is a huge task. And I fully understand the reasoning, and it sounds like he’s on a promising path.

And I should hasten to add that I grew up largely neglected by my parents. I certainly felt like an afterthought or a burden, and I’m sure I still harbor some disjointed resentment when I see expressions of devoted love.

But do you fear any risk that your son will come to expect that his personal challenges will always be accommodated?

I’m not saying that you’ve done that to your son.

I’m just wondering where the issue arises, because in my profession representing criminal defendants there is a certain type of person who personifies what I call the “man baby” (although it’s not always a man). This person has an attitude that the best way to get an advantage or preferential treatment is to be as pathetic and helpless as they can be. They attribute their problems to their disorders, and their circumstances to other people.

Even when they are in their 30s and 40s, they usually have their mother calling on their behalf, don’t have a productive job, get in regular trouble with low level offenses.

Now, I’m sure that’s not at play here. But is there any concern that he might internalize the idea that being different makes him a victim, and that victimhood is a good thing?

Because that’s what I think the man-babies do. They adopt victimhood as an identity, and believe that being unable to accomplish something is the surest way to avoid having to be responsible for it. Whereas I’ve observed that life frequently demands we exceed our comfort zone, and success is usually the result of relentless effort and improvement despite setbacks.

The word fortitude comes to mind. I don’t wish hardship on anybody, but perhaps there is value in struggling.

Now, it’s also true that some people struggle to a degree beyond their capabilities, or beyond what is remotely typical. And that’s why I don’t begrudge anybody help or assistance. Certainly, a strong support network is crucial for a person to develop the confidence to succeed.

So am I off base to even raise that as a concern?

(Alternatively, is there any concern that he’ll feel the pressure of a fully committed family that is doing everything within their power to help him thrive? Does that create increased expectations for his future?)

I hope that this isn’t offensive. You really are an admirable mom, and I don’t want to give you any negative feelings. But I appreciate your thoughtful posts. I won’t be offended if you don’t entertain the questions, though.

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I can only answer from my own perspective with my own child on the autism spectrum.

I asked a very similar question as you of the people at our school. My child will exploit accommodations to get desired attention, and to get out of undesired activities. The basic response was that these are professional educators who are well aware of how devious children can be, and to trust their judgement as to when to be flexible and when to be rigid. This was not a brush of but, a “yeah, we know.”

The other side of it, as we and the school talked about, is that in early childhood it is far better to have an over coddled child than a stressed and miserable child. There is no real lasting damage from spending some extra time with a favored adult, or on a preferred activity. However, long term stress can create lasting damage. Keeping the kid unstressed and happy is going to do more to promote growth than any kind of tough love.

Remember, if discipline and tough love was all that was necessary to treat autism (or obesity, or depression, or drug abuse…) then instead of special educators, counselors, and psychologists, we’d just use drill sergeants. (And I know your question was not “can’t you just yell at the kid more?”)

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Quoting for emphasis. Wise words.

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Indeed they are.