Tomorrow I will have three years sober. Three wonderful years clean and sober.
In my past birthday posts I recounted what it was like when I was drinking, the problems I created for myself and the misery that was my life. I also posted about the transformation. This year I want to focus on the transformation. My past is something that I must remember to stay sober. At the same time I have made amends for my past transgressions (whenever possible*), and have come to terms with my past actions. The pain I caused others while I was drinking still haunts me, I doubt that will ever go away, but I have come to terms with it. I have learned to live with my past and I am now thankful for it. I was lucky. I did not fall as far as I could have. My sins, and there were many, could have been much, much worse. Yet I have atoned for those sins the best way I know how.
In the past year I have taken classes towards my degree. I am doing ok, getting Bs. Not great, but not too bad either. I figured out what I need to do to get better grades and I am working on it. I hope to get an A in my math class this semester.
I have started dating. I met a woman I like quite a bit. I didn’t expect that. She said she wants to just be friends. This is new to me, after many years (I was a lone drunk, dating is hard when you don’t remember what you did on the last date. Easier just to be alone and not have to worry about it). I am a little confused about the whole thing but it will work itself out. I hope the relationship goes further; I want to see if we really do fit, but only time will tell.
I have started recording a C.D. I hope to have it done by July. I will probably miss that deadline, other things are taking up a lot of time and I keep writing new songs instead of finishing what I already have. I am trying to find a singer. I hope to find one soon because a full C.D of instrumentals is going to take a lot more time for me to write. We’ll see what happens; a good singer is hard to come by.
I have taken a couple wonderful vacations. The last was down to see the Supercross in Phoenix. It was a blast. The next trip is to St. Thomas for my brothers wedding. I am looking forward to it, my brother deserves a happy life and I believe this will make him happy. I am also looking forward to a week on the beach. I hope the ocean is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
I like my present job but I have been quietly job hunting. I want a position doing something a bit different. I hope that I can find something in the next year. The present job is good, but I want better. Now I am in a place where I can earn a better job. I hope to find another position in the next year.
I have talked to a couple people about addiction issues. One person has a friend with a problem. I gave her the best advice I have. I hope it does some good. Another person has touched the subject with me. She thinks she might have a problem. I offered to speak with her, to tell her what I know and think. I hope she takes me up on my offer. I hope, if she really does have a problem, that she takes the steps necessary to find out that recovery is wonderful.
I am looking to buy a house. The housing market has slowed enough to give me the hope that I can afford something nice. Not wonderful, but something nice.
The third year of my sobriety has been good. There have been rough spots but there are always rough spots. I made it through those spots clean and sober, which in the end, is the only thing that matters.
The third year of my sobriety has been a year of hope. The crushing loneliness of my drinking days is past. The uncertainty of my first year of sobriety is gone. The rebuilding that took up the second and third year of my sobriety is, for the most part, complete. Now I am free. I am free to work on making a better life for myself. I am free to explore my capabilities and to find new challenges. This time I will be able to meet those challenges.
I am free and, man, is it good.
Eric
*There are two people to whom I owe amends. I spoke with a man I truly trust and we decided that it would be cause those two people un-necessary pain if I were to make amends. Reopening the wounds would just hurt those people. I have caused enough pain and will not purposely cause any more. I deeply want to make amends to those people but I am not going to hurt them so I can feel better. That I cannot make amends to them is my second biggest regret. My biggest regret is that I hurt them in the first place.
