Yes, very common in Jewish families, at least all the ones I know here in NY. Usually it’s the shovelling task. This surprised me when I first encountered it at age 19 – at my mom’s funeral – and though I didn’t think I could handle it, I took part. The sound of the dirt is very hollow and final. And when the immediately family were through with our shovels-ful, the rest of the family finished filling the hole in themselves. It ended up feeling like a communal, supportive experience; the family taking care of interring their own loved ones, rather than groundskeepers who feel nothing for the body. By the time my pop died six years ago, I knew what to expect and this time I managed more than one scoop. And again, the sight of my cousins, uncles and brother in law filling in the rest of the grave was bizarrely comforting. And yes, it also provides some sense of closure. To a degree.
Of course many many people don’t particularly care what happens to a coffin-covered dead person – they understandably feel that by that time, whatever you loved about the individual is gone. I’m sort of that opinion myself. Still, part of me is still attached to those gravesites, and I visit them occasionally today. The fact that I and those who most loved my mom and pop were the ones who physically and literally placed the earth above them feels somehow significant and comforting. It’s a connection; part of the process of saying goodbye.
I watched a documentary on cremation in which it said that today, when most cremations are done with lasers, the oldest son lighting the pyre has been updated to the oldest son pressing the button that begins the process. I like the continuation of tradition but it must lose something without an actual torch.
My family has the tradition of putting rocks on graves when we visit a cemetery. Some years ago it was changed from rocks to pennies or small coins after visiting Ben Franklin’s grave (on which people toss pennies), but it’s the same principal- something to show the grave has been visited. I didn’t realize until I saw Schindler’s List that this was a Jewish custom. This and the fact that my parents both recalled “shoveling” funerals make me wonder if there is some kind of Jewish influence in Deep South customs.
When my grandfather was buried a few years ago (western PA), the professional gravediggers seemed surprised that the family took part. We carried the coffin up the hill to the grave site ourselves, and loaded it into the contraption that lowers it into the hole. We did all toss handfuls of dirt into the hole, along with some sprinkles of blackberry brandy Granpap had homebrewed many years back.
I did it for my maternal grandfather, and was the only one to do so. I think the groundskeepers were a little surprised but they had no problem with it. It did help a little with closure for me.
Huh, here in Spain it’s considered sort of a necessary “closure” step; one reason many people give to prefer burial (be it in a niche or a grave) to incineration is that being able to carry the coffin to the grave and put it in (or just to watch that happen) feels more “real.” My cousin died last year in the Himalayas, his body was left there; on one hand this is very fitting given how he lived and died, but on the other one of the things his mother repeats again and again when she gets to wailing is that “it’s bad enough to lose a child, but I never got to bury him.”
Dirt graves are rare here, so no dirt throwing. We were in the sligthly-over-100 years old cementery where my family’s pantheon is and we noticed a couple of dirt graves, both recent. Normally there’s a “box” of concrete, granite or marble.
Huh. I’ve been to several funerals, most of them Roman Catholic, and we’ve never done this. Not only that, but I’ve also never witnessed the casket actually lowered into the grave. It would be help up over the grave by the straps, and lowered in after the mourners have left.
Another Jew here. The mourners putting dirt onto the coffin has been part of every funeral I’ve been to. I’m told that at Orthodox funerals, the mourners actually fill in the entire grave rather than just tossing symbolic dirt.
Not quite the deep South, but my relatives from the hills of Tennessee, North Carolina and Virginia, both Catholic and Protestant, did the shovel thing. Some of the older relatives from the midwest did this as well.
I think that it’s a custom that used to be fairly common across the board, but has been lost in some cultures / regions / religions and not others.
Must just be your family. In ours, a stake through the heart will typically suffice, although we do occasionally need to remove the head and bury it separately.
Don’t come to Japan then. You get to experience everything up close and personal here. When the person dies they are brought home (if they died elsewhere) for a night and the family sits around the body for a wake. Then the next day the body is washed by the family (everyone participates even if it’s just a ritual swipe) and dressed in a white kimono and put into the coffin (they are in futon with a cloth over their face up till then.) Then they go to the funeral place (temple or commercial hall) for another night in which the family also sit with the deceased. Though at that time you can’t see them as they are in the coffin behind a big screen of flowers. Then the next day is the funeral. THe coffin is opened and flowers are placed in, then the cover replaced and each person pounds in one nail. Then they are taken to the crematorium and cremated while the family waits. Finally the body is brought back out as bones and the family use ceremonial chopsticks to break the bones up and deposit them in the urn. Then the urn is taken back to the temple for a final ceremony.
Oh, did I say final?? There are ceremonies a week, 49 days, 1 year, 3 years, 7 years, 13 years etc etc later!! By the time you see the person into the urn you are beyond sad and distressed and well into “can’t wait to see the back of them” territory!
But it seems to be a human need to have some part in the final disposal of a loved one, as there seems to be some kind of dirt-tossing, hammer-nailing, body-washing or dressing ritual in many cultures.
I wondered what we were doing wrong. Not getting much sleep around here at night lately. Very big, spooky objects bouncing against the windows and such. Thanks for the tip.
Hmm… when my paternal grandfather died his was the first cremation funeral I’d attended, and after the chapel service the coffin was sort of rolled away out of sight never to be seen again; it felt weird and lacking closure to me.
The previous two (both maternal) grandparent’s funerals I’d attended that year (it was not a good year) had graveside ceremonies and coffins lowered into graves etc.
My memory is a bit hazy, but I’m pretty sure we dropped flowers (and quite possibly handfuls of dirt) onto Nana’s coffin… for Granddad it had been fern fronds, which IIRC had something to do with freemasonry (his coffin also had the caliper and squares on it and there were freemason representatives present).
had graveside ceremonies and coffins lowered into graves etc.