Tights - Good vs. Evil. Evil wins.

[Wintermute]

So, I’m getting dressed this morning, and it’s supposed to be a pleasant day, and I went a little crazy and shaved my legs yesterday, so I thought, “Hmm, I think I’ll wear that little black skirt with a pair of tights, for a change.” And, because I am running late as usual, I just open the drawer and pull out the first pair of tights I see, because they all look pretty much the same.

Therein lay my mistake.

Because, of course, I had pulled out The Bad Tights™. You know the ones. We all have them. If it’s not tights, it’s pantyhose, or socks, or underwear. They are too short, or too long, or the elastic is funny in the leg, but we keep them as “back up”.

So, all unaware of the horror in store for me, I pulled them on, grabbed my purse and off I went.

The crotch was somewhere mid-thigh by the time I reached my car. “Oh, no,” I thought. “These aren’t…did I grab The Bad Tights™?”

I tried to yank them up discreetly before getting in the car, but the waistband just stretched and the crotch stayed exactly where it was. I wavered for a moment, but I didn’t have time to run all the way back upstairs and change my tights; I had to hit the bank before work, and I was all ready late. So I just wore them.

The Tights™ must have chortled evilly at their initial success, but they had worse in mind for me.

Just as I am pulling onto the freeway, something flashes in my peripheral vision. My skirt had ridden up a little, revealing a pale spot just above my left knee. Just about the place my hemline hits.

The Tights from Hell™ have spontaneously developed a hole.

Allow me underscore the sheer evil of their plan for you. If I can get them pulled up all the way, you don’t see the hole, but I don’t dare yank too hard, or they will run (which you will see no matter what).

If I don’t pull them up, not only do you see a hole in my knee, the crotch is…well, nowhere near where it ought to be. And the coup de grace, the finishing touch in the Tight’s™ evil plan: with every step, gravity yanks that little hole downward and ultimately into view.

Yep. I am wearing a short skirt and tights with a hole in the knee. :rolleyes:

As soon as I can decently take these accursed things off, they are going in the trash.

[Nvme77]

Ah yes, the tights from hell. Of course this has happened to me way too many times since I live in black tights in the fall through winter.

Here’s a few of the villains MO’s

Co-dependent tights- they depend on you incessently to pull them back up from the embarrassing depths of every flex point on your leg. Eventually they wear out their welcome, yet you cannot bear to throw them away. They stare back at you hoping that you will call to them one morning in desperation against your better judgement.

Over possessive tights- They like to remind you who’s really in charge here. Sometimes they wont budge as you poke your toes in, strangling them as you coax the tights up. You like their control in a weird fetishest way, yet you know that what they really strive to do is to mold you into what “they” think is an acceptable body. A flat ass and a bulge above and below the waistband. Drop 'em but they know you’ll come crawling back one bloated day, to begin the torture they live to dish out.

Pschizo tights- the package says long/tall the fit is short/stubby. Maybe one leg is perfect and the other is strangling the top of your thigh.

Compulsive liar tights- The package says black, the look is dark purple/navy.

And then there are Perfect Tights… Affordable, comfortable and they make you look like a million bucks.
The downside is they get corrupted by mingling with the hoodlum tights above and they are lost forever. Sigh.

[Wintermute]

Update: I posted the OP right before I left work, but the Tights From Hell had one last trick in store for me.

I swung by a friend’s house on the way home, and as I was crossing the street to get to my car, the waistband made a run for my ankles.

Yes, there was a car coming.

I can only conclude that the Tights From Hell, knowing their time was running short, were trying to kill me. :eek:

I was too quick for them, however, and grabbed them at about the top of my thighs. Once I made it to the car, I just reached into the top of my skirt and yanked them up until I could get home. I wasn’t under a street light or anything, it was dark, and I had had it.

They are now plotting their revenge from the waste basket.

*Originally posted by Nvme77 *
**And then there are Perfect Tights… Affordable, comfortable and they make you look like a million bucks. The downside is they get corrupted by mingling with the hoodlum tights above and they are lost forever. Sigh. **

Yes, exactly! Now that I know that the Tights From Hell have had all summer to seduce the Good Tights to the dark side, I am afraid to try them.

[twickster]

I thought about wearing tights this morning, but decided to do one last day barelegged before saying goodbye to summer. Besides, a long skirt works almost as well as black tights in disguising the fact that I need to shave my legs.

I’m a bit afraid to go to the tights box now – do you think microwaving would get rid of the demons, or do I need to call in an exorcist? They’re had all summer to plot together…

[Kalhoun]

Your problem is trusting tights to begin with. I’ve banished all of last season’s tights to the rag bag. I’ve replaced them with smooth, un-stretched, un-snagged tights. No toe perforations (which can only end in a bad case of “strangulation toe”), no runs. They’re soft. There aren’t any little white balls from the dryer STUCK ALL OVER THE LEGS.

Fuck old tights. They can’t be trusted.

[Bruce_Daddy]

Wintermute, how long have you been writing erotica?

[Wintermute]

*Originally posted by twickster *
**I’m a bit afraid to go to the tights box now – do you think microwaving would get rid of the demons, or do I need to call in an exorcist? They’re had all summer to plot together… **

I don’t know, twickster, but personally? I’m leaning towards both exorcism and microwaving them. Couldn’t hurt…

*Originally posted by Kalhoun
** Your problem is trusting tights to begin with. I’ve banished all of last season’s tights to the rag bag. I’ve replaced them with smooth, un-stretched, un-snagged tights. No toe perforations (which can only end in a bad case of “strangulation toe”), no runs. They’re soft. There aren’t any little white balls from the dryer STUCK ALL OVER THE LEGS.

Fuck old tights. They can’t be trusted. **

Well, the truth is, Kalhoun, I knew the tights were evil after the first wearing of them. If I were capable of throwing things out, I would have trashed them at that point, and saved myself some trouble. But, nooo, I have to hang on to them “just in case”. Just in case what, I don’t know. Just in case I’m feeling particularly masochistic? Just in case I’ve misplaced my hair shirt? Lord knows.

*Originally posted by Bruce_Daddy *
Wintermute, how long have you been writing erotica?

And, as for you, Bruce_Daddy, (may I call you Daddy?) you are a sick, sick man.

But you know I like that.

[Lissla_Lissar]

This is why I wear thigh or knee high cotton socks. Striped socks. Currently they are black with white stripes, but I also have grey and black, and purple and black. I would hate to work anywhere that I couldn’t wear my socks!

They’re warm, and they never try to kill me. I gave up tights a year ago.

[Wintermute]

I’ve never tried thigh-highs, but I have worn stockings and garter belts from time to time. They just make me really aware of my butt - I feel like it’s hanging out. It’s not especially erotic for me, but they are great for giving someone a little flash. I love watching guy’s eyes bug out when they get a glimpse of lace and realize what they are seeing.

How do you keep the thigh-highs from rolling down?

[Lissla_Lissar]

I’m nut sure if I do anything special. They’re elasticized around the tops, and they don’t roll down much.