Tighty Whities Are Not My Style

The BBQ Pit
1

For years now, I have preferred to live unconstricted. It’s probably why I had the problems I did. Now, the Boys are riding the swingset just a little too hard, and it has reached a level of discomfort that is annoying, even to a guy who is more-or-less immune to pain.

So I went shopping for underwear today. I got lost in this damned mall, looking for a cool ride, but I couldn’t find any cool men’s underwear. So I went into Nordstroms. And was helped.

By an attractive older woman.

Now, I’ve got nothing against women of the female sex, but this was not the time. She saw me make a bee-line for the nads section and was all over it.

“Can I help you?”

“(Please, for the love of God, dont!) Um, no, I’m just looking…”

“Are you looking for briefs? What size are you?”

“Enormous.”*

“No, your waist. Are you a thrity-four?”

Fuck no! I’ve got a pair of thiry-twos that I can still wear, sort of. I look a little like the Michelin Man when I do wear them, but just wait until that style comes back, man. I’ll be all over it.

“Umm, yeah.”

“Vould you like something in boxers?”

“Umm, no… My doctor says I need ah, more support, you know.”

That was supposed to be the tag-line, you know? This is supposed to be the part where she says, “why don’t you come back to the dressing room and I’ll try these on for you?”

Well, maybe I’m still thinking about Victoria’s, which by the way doesn’t sell men’s underwear, but it’s still well worth inquiring about. Anyway, she saw straight through that.

“Oh, you vant these,” leading me around to the next aislet.

The tighty whities.

Dude, I once saw Flea play a show in his tighty whities. You know what? He looked like a fucking dork.

If I gotta wear underwear, I’m gonna look like the goddamned Flash, maybe with flames running down the sides and shit, or racing stripes, or even fucking Mickey Mouse. My shit is the shit! And it’s been through a lot, so it needs some pampering. If my shit is going to jail, it needs a prison cell like Pablo Escobar had.

They got the Tijuana holding cell.

But is was either the tighty whities at fifteen bucks for three, or one Israeli motherfucker for thirty-two bucks. Hey, I gotta wash these fucking things once in a while now, too, and I’m unemployed. I went for the Nordstrom Fruit-of-the-Loom clones.

So here I am, in my Hef bathrobe and with a beer in my hand, and a pair of fucking tighty whities. All hail my coolness.

Fuck these things. I hate all underclothing, unless I can eat it, but this shit takes the inedible cake. There is nothing sexy at all about these fucking things. It’s like wearing tube socks to the Prom. Its Thorazine for your package.

I vow this now before all of you. I shall attain a level of wealth and success which will allow my genitals to be clothed in the finest garb. It is my new goal in life, and a worthy one. It will be the beacon that shines before me on the pathway to riches.

Thank you for your time.

*No, I didn’t actually say that, but I wish I had.

2

rofl. That’s all I have to add.

3

Sofa, how you have suffered. Your boys (btw, I don’t believe you’ve ever introduced me to them, where are your manners?) will probably never be able to forgive you, having to live next to white cotton that breathes.

I have a solution for you, though. I’m thinking that if you have someone remove your TWs with their teeth and copious amounts of tongue, you will begin to see them in a whole new light. (The TWs, I mean, but I could see where you might look at whomever would remove them for you fondly as well.)

4

What about boxer-briefs? That way you can look like the shit, but still get the support you’re dying for.

5

::applause:: for boxer briefs

6

ahh yes, men’s undies. Guy I’m living w/wears briefs in various colors. With son, we went through the underoos in various cartoon characters “Mom I want to wear my ninja turtle ones!”, for years, and I remember the sad, sad day that he announced that he was ‘too old’ for cartoon undies and insisted on the aforementioned “Tighty whities”.

However, once he hit high school, it was change yet again, and he’s now doing boxers, and back to the cartoon characters (see, what goes around **does indeed ** come around)

and until just now, I was happy, happy I tell you, not really thinking about the whys and wherefores of the various selections.

Now, you’ve inserted into my brain the image of ‘the boys’ swinging to and fro. Only the only men whom I know personally that wear boxers are:

My son.

My brother

and

My dad.
can I have a “EWWWWWWW”

Thank you.

7

mmmmmm…boys in their undies.
yummy naked-man goodness…

::glazed look::

What?!

bella—longingly

8

Well, in my gay opinion, tightie-whities on the right guys–muscular, lean, and younger–are fuckin’ hot. Everybody else needs to wear boxers.

9

That’s exactly why I don’t buy my husband tighty whities- I gotta wash those things!

Anyhoo, I agree: boxer briefs are sexy and (I’ve heard) supportive. Hie thee back to the store and get some!

Zette

10

Yup. Boxer briefs. There are no other kind.

And you can get some funky colours and patterns, too!

11

Pete Abrams said it first, but whereas boxers and briefs come in all sorts of material, a man can wear silk boxers and still be a man. But a man can’t wear silk briefs, 'cos then they’d be panties.

Wear your silk boxers with pride, man, but if you gotta, put some cotton tighty-whities on underneath. No one but you will know.

12

How about a set of these?
Colorful, stylish, and just a little kicky.
:smiley:

13

Women hate the tighty Whities as much as YOU do! They suck. Go with the boxer briefs in psychedelic colors and patterns. You will RULE. My husband wears the semi-bikini colored duds. I’m going to try to convert him come Christmas time. We need a new look in the “late afternoon of our life”.

14

Speak not for me - I like tighty-whities! To me, boxers hardly differ from gym shorts, and neither particularly appeal to me. Plus, how can I admire a well-formed male butt in boxers?? Give a girl a break!!

15

Sofa King, until you reach that level of wealth, may I suggest that you shop somewhere besides Nordstrom’s for your gear? No disrespect to Nordstrom’s which is a fine, fine establishment, but they aren’t cheap. Try the discount table in TJ Maxx (or similar in your area). They usually have good brands, nice styles (plus TWs), boxers etc, at prices 50% or less of what you paid.

Your boys should ride in style, but they don’t need to pay full fare.

16

gobear:

You and Dan Savage.

Huh. Must be part of the Queer Indoctrination Seminar.

::d&r::

17

I’m with FCM here–tighty-whities rule!

18

Not all TWs are created equal, you may have to try a few brands before you find ones that work for you. My own personal worst experience was with a pair of Jockey brand briefs that came with a radical new fly approach. So radical in fact that Big Jim and the twins were doing a Houdini every time I got up from a chair. I suppose that’s why they were only a buck in the clearance bin. That and they were pink, but that’s another story.

19

Underwear is the physical and manifest debunking of the notion that gay men control the fashion industry, because there is no sexy men’s underwear. NONE.

OK, that’s a slight exaggeration. But attractive men’s undies are VERY few and far between. I went shopping for new undies before I came to Spain, and my choices were:

  1. briefs (see above - not even black briefs look good on me)
  2. boxer shorts that came down 3/4 of the way to my knees, and
  3. boxer briefs that came 3/4 of the way down to my knees.

EWW. Those were NEVER designed by a gay man. Those were designed by some benighted non-male-attracted person who wanted to wanted to eliminate any inkling of a chance that ANYONE COULD BE ATTRACTED TO A MAN WEARING THEM.

And let’s not even discuss jock straps. Those don’t even look good on HOT guys, let alone average specimens of humanity such as myself.

Dint of extensive searching (and no small amount of money, I might add) have managed to turn up small quantities of attractive (i.e. short) boxers and boxer-briefs in (to paraphrase Henry Ford) any colour as long as it’s black. I’m convinced that those are the ones being made by the tiny quantity of gay men in an industry otherwise controlled by the SEXY-GUY-HATING CARTEL.

As you can tell, my feelings on this subject run deep. At least I haven’t been browbeaten into mail-ordering from International Male yet. But it’s coming, I can tell.

20

Guys, just shut up about the underwear and get naked already. Men should be seen, touched, and used shamelessly, but not heard. :smiley:

Seriously, though, colored briefs are unspeakably hot on the right man. Most men do look immeasurably better in the boxer-briefs, though, and they have the added advantage of not riding up and giving you a wedgie.