Hello, how are you? My name is Ryan, but all my friends call me Rhino. Why? Oh, I don’t know. I just think it’s a silly name, but everyone insists that it’s because I’m as tough as nails, but I don’t know about that. I mean, sure, most people cower away from me, and my presence commands instant respect from strangers, but I still think that it’s just a silly name. Just because I kicked so much ass when I was younger doesn’t mean I should get a bad-ass name like Rhino, but maybe that’s why, I don’t know. Anyways, my tough guy days are over, but I’ll still regulate if I have to, you know?
My hobbies? Oh, you know. When I’m not working out, I’m sampling fine wines for my collection, cooking, playing with children, or studying French Renaissance poetry. Those are the hobbies that I’m most passionate about. But there’s very little time to devote to these passions with all of my volunteer work at the animal shelter! I mean, I’d love to learn more inspirational verse penned by Frecnch poet le Pierre de Ronsard, or perhaps invest in another bottle of 1990 Chateau d’Yquem Sauternes, but when there are starving kittens in need of tender love and care, well, that leaves me little choice. Also, the handicapped children need me, too. “Uncle Ryan, please, can we finger-paint today? Pretty please?” Who can say no to those adorable wheelchair-bound children? Not me!
But it’s not as if I’m trying to save the world all by myself (although I do more than my share, but only because I love to help people - I know, that’s so selfish). I’m just trying to make this world a better place for the children, you know? Anyways, enough about my continuos and selfless acts of charity. I’m more interested in finding out about you. What makes you tick: your future, your dreams, your motivation. Seriously, you fascinate me! I’d love to just sit in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa and some big fluffy pillows and just talk, you know? I mean, really talk! But don’t get mad if I get lost in your eyes. I can’t help it! They’re like glimmering pools of blue that are so inviting that I could just dive in . . .
Oh, my songwriting? It comes naturally. It’s not like I have to sit and rack my brain for ideas or anything. Basically, I just open up my heart and let the music flow. . . I don’t know. This is kind of embarrassing. You promise not to laugh? You have to promise! Okay, well . . . I wrote this new song, and . . . well, it’s for you. No seriously, I wrote this song for you. Are you ready? Okay: “Just say you’ll love me for the rest of my life, I got a lot of love and I don’t wanna let gooooo, whoooaaaa . . .”
Oh don’t be ridiculous, you’re in no shape to drive! Seriously, give me your keys. I won’t let you risk your life like this, I care about you too much. Look, you can stay here tonight. My bed is really big, you can have this side. Don’t worry, I’m a perfect gentleman. Oh, the candles? They were a gift from the orphanage for saving the most children in 2002. I light them because it reminds me of heaven. Oh, you like Dave Matthews, too? I thought you would, that’s why I put him on . . .