I’m thinking you’ll feel differently when you read this “more info” post now at #38. He has an agenda.
OP: Don’t send it, it’s for you and not for her.
Hard to give an opinion when we don’t actually know her. Given what you’ve disclosed about your own motives, I’m leaning towards leaving it alone.
About a year ago, I was cleaning out my yahoo account which was mostly spam since my migration to gmail and I stumbled across an email an ex had sent me a year before that. It was a jumbled mess of an apology. He apologized (but not really) about how poorly he handled the relationship, said there were some things I did wrong too, and then said he was opening the door to the possibility of communication even though he didn’t expect it because I’d always been cold to him. My first reaction was “Whaaa? That was four years ago.” And then I looked at the time stamp and he’d sent it February 13th. :smack: I chuckled and moved it to the trash.
Ok I get that I might have some self-serving motives here. But I think overall, my intention is just to apologize. I just feel like she deserves it and it’s the right thing to do.
I mean what do I have to gain? I know there’s no chance for a relationship or even friendship.
You gain the fact that you can move on. At the end of the day, we need to know we did the best we could. The best you can do now is apologize, and move on. You’re saying goodbye. Write it concisely, but clearly, and send it knowing you won’t get a response. If that’s not enough for you, then I wouldn’t send it.
I had a ex boyfriend who turned nasty apologise to me twenty years later. He also said that he would not be contacting me again and aside from one time which was valid (he wanted to see if I was OK after the earthquake and tsunami) he has not. I was glad of the apology, and have been relieved that he has never tried to contact me again.
It sounds like you were both jerks to each other. And in addition to trying to make yourself feel better, you’re looking for her to admit wrongdoing. Just leave it and move on - there’s no guarantee that she’ll react the way you want her to, and what happens if she doesn’t admit to being a jerk, too? Keep apologizing until she does?
Seems like a slippery slope to me - I’d just walk away, try to learn from it and don’t make the same mistake again.
She has most likely gone on with her life, and you haven’t. Apologizing to her at this point seems like something you want to do for your own sake, not hers. To her, you’re just opening up some old wounds. Don’t do it.
Send her an anonymous cashier’s check for $5,000.
She can do some tracking to find out where it came from, but probably wont. It will make her feel better in general, and you’ll have done something good while getting zero credit. This makes some amends for your having been an asshole with zero consequences.
I don’t have that kind of money. If I put out even more details I’m sure ill get scolded even more. Maybe I’ll keep my apology to myself.
I refer you to my post above. I had no agenda except to state my apology.
You state your agenda in your second quote. You did it to make yourself feel better. That is an agenda.
And that “I did it for me” is the thing so many others in the thread say is wrong. I think that’s what it boils down to. Is it wrong to clear your conscience about this, or is that being selfish? That’s a question you’ll have to answer.
I personally know that there’s exactly one girl I wronged in a relationship, and, while I’m sorry for what I did, I would never actually try to get back in contact with her to let her know that. What I did was not bad enough that I think there’s any chance she’s still hurting from it. And the amount of effort to track her down would be tremendous. Those are my reasons for not doing what you want to do. It wouldn’t even help me that much, let alone her.
I really don’t think you do.
You see what I’m saying, yet?
You are doing this to ease your conscience, not for her. (The universe does not owe you the opportunity to ease your conscience for things you shouldn’t have done, neither does your victim!) And for your ego to know she still feels, ‘some love’. And the ‘need to win’ guy, in you, wants her to say she’s sorry too.
Huge agenda. HUGE!
You asked for advice and have been given some truly sage advice. Please be wise enough to heed it.
I think it depends on your relationship. Did it rise to the level of emotional abuse? If so, and it sounds like it did, definitely leave her alone.
I’ve been in this situation and it was not helpful to hear from the ex and I assumed he really was looking to get back together, and I would have assumed that no matter how he said it (and it turned out to be true).
I don’t think the intention of this thread was ever to get advice, since he’s pretty much stated that he’s going to ignore everything we’ve said.
Well, Scotty Mo, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Please try not to make this woman’s life any worse.
Exactly. I don’t know how to quote more than 1 person, but the OP explicitly says “get this off my chest.” Nothing wrong with that, per se. But when you go involving the “long-ago injured and now over it” other party, especially when you don’t intend to be coming face to face with that person, or otherwise coming into contact with them, then you are dragging them into your own drama. That’s selfish.
OP, if you have this overwhelming need to get this off your chest, then just admit your guilt and honestly express your regret to some close friend who will simply listen, instead of bothering this innocent girl with your drama AGAIN.
Well you’re wrong. In my last post, before yours, I posted that I probably wouldn’t be sending anything. Before this, I was pretty sure I was going too, but now after listening to everyones advice, I don’t think I will.
I do get it. Probably my biggest hesitation is because I don’t want to drag her back into my drama. I would like an apology too, but still thats not the biggest reason.
I would just like to simply let her know that I am sorry. Literally, the last time I saw her was when she gave me a ride. It went well. It was a good last memory to go out on, but I still feel like I left a little bit of an unresolved issue lingering. So what if I’m doing it to ease my consciousness? I think that she would be happy to know that I’m over it.
I know theres no reconciliation going on. I wouldn’t even want it if I had the chance. Yeah, I might still feel a little love for her, but I also got a lot of resentment too. But still, I can recognize where I had done wrong in a major way.
I mean all were talking about is a text. I don’t think an “I’m sorry” text is going to traumatize her. If I didn’t get a response, I could live with that. If I did and she said “I’m sorry too” well that would be nice. I don’t think theres any chance that she’d text back “fuck you” or something. But even if she did, I think I could live with that too.
I guess what it boils down too is that it’s just not worth it. If I ever bump into her again, which will most likely not ever happen, I will say sorry. But I guess I’m not going to go out of my way to send her an apology.
My apologies, Scotty- I misread your last post to mean that you were going to apologize, but not tell us about it because you didn’t like the advice you were getting here.
Good. Still feeling a little bit of love for her, while simultaneously harboring a hell of a lot of resentment, are topics for the therapy couch, not out-of-the-blue, years-too-late text messages.
It’s cool. I could see how that could be misunderstood. Thank you and everybody for the advice.