I have a confession to make. Once, for about 8 seconds during my freshman year at politically-correct-obsessed UC Berkeley, while hanging out with a person in a chair, I thought, “Hey! I’m a good person because I’m friends with a disabled person! Look, it doesn’t even bother me at all! Aren’t I great? I hope lots of people notice my moral superiority!” Hey, I was 18 and the moment was fleeting.
I went on to notice that this woman had no shortage of people around to help her. And not with the little things either - she was almost a quad - so there was feeding and bathing and pretty much what a nurse would be doing. Lots of time commitment. I was amazed at how much help she received - and she wasn’t the nicest person either. I began to think her helpers were doing it to make themselves feel better or absolve some type of guilt.
I have a question, I think. As a disabled person, is it hard to determine if people are your friend for pure and genuine reasons? Do you ever have people try too hard to be your friend because your friendship will adress their personal issues? If yes, do you appreciate or resent this attention?
Somehow I hadn’t noticed that this thread was a resurrectee. Oh well, thanks for the answer.
I can spot pity and condescension a mile away. Yuck. Once an old man thought it was just wonderful that I was – get this – going to school. (The main visible manifestation of my weird orthopedic problem is serious scoliosis, so I’m notably off-kilter and extra-short. It can suck sometimes.) At that precise moment I was sitting yakking with friends, but he felt the need to come over and congratulate me. I KNOW he meant well, but it was really humiliating – and once I explained to my friends WHY I got so upset they got mad on my behalf. It took them a minute, though. cue banging head into wall
I don’t think I’ve ever had a “pity friend.” I wouldn’t be friends with somebody if I picked up that vibe. My friends have almost all said that after a while they didn’t even think about it. A couple have been VERY surprised when I asked for a hand with something – reaching something high – because they’d forgotten I couldn’t reach. Yay for them!
Forgive me if this has already been asked. (I’m still in my work clothes, and I have some salmon in the oven so I haven’t read the thread yet.)
I’ve noticed some pretty cool looking wheelchairs. Obviously the owners take pride in the appearance of their chairs, or at least chose something stylish. Is it acceptable for a non-wheelchair person to comment on it? Like, “That’s a cool wheelchair!”? I mean, I’ve seen some really nifty looking ones, but I don’t want to offend the user by mentioning how cool it looks.
To answer a question that’s already been answered: I don’t think anyone’s ever been motivated to be my friend as a result of pity, but like whiterabbit said, I do occasionally run into people who feel that my experience is so…outside theirs, I guess, that they’re amazed at the fact that I live my life as a reasonably independent person. It’s the “Oh my GAWD I couldn’t live like that! How do you do it every day??” thing.
On the surface it seems like that translates to, “Whoa. Your life must really SUCK!”. What people generally mean is, “Wow. Being non-physically disabled, I have no concept of what it’s like to live as someone with a physical disability - it must be tremendously tough”.
The former comments would seriously bug me if I didn’t remind myself that those who comment haven’t been in the position of being permanently physically disabled. That is, they don’t realize that the choice to either deal with your situation or kill yourself (actively or passively) is - I suspect - pretty easy to make for many people, especially those who’ve been disabled since birth.
JohnnyL.A.: I think that a good analogy is that it’s as acceptable for a non-wheelchair user to comment on the appearance of someone’s wheelchair as it is for a non-tattooed person to comment on someone’s tat. Some people’re pleased, some people don’t want you coming up to them.
Disabled folks are people above all else; there are few hard-and-fast rules that apply to all of us.
Great thread, Cosmopolitan! As the daughter of a mother who has epilepsy, and has had frequent head injuries and is now partly disabled due to their effects, I appreciate it even more.
I do have A Big Question, though: Mom’s a Catholic, and she’s found that her faith has helped her a great deal. She’s had seizures since she was 15, but managed easily to get a Master’s degree, a husband, three kids, and some nice teaching jobs before her brain started to show the effects of the injuries and she had to retire. I’m not as stoic as she is about it, and I worry that she rationalizes too much about “how this is God’s plan for my life” (riiiiiight) but I can see where she’s coming from.
Anyway, I know there’s plenty of atheists in this country and you might be one of them, or you may not want to talk about something like this at all, which is fine, but I was wondering: Do you think being disabled has affected your religion (or your lack of one)? Was/is there a time when you were “mad at God” or fate or Nature for the condition you happened to be born with? Was the normal adolescent angst, the “why am I here?” phase we all have, different for you than it was for your friends?
So quoth Narrad back in May (I’m really sorry I never answered you - I must’ve missed the questions):
“Common” would be quite the stretch. Let’s just say that they exist & leave it at that.
I’m looking to teach junior high or high school; English is my specialty.
My voice isn’t particularly quiet & my laugh is downright loud!
Obviously he was a very intelligent man. Just goes to show that one’s intelligence level or cognitive ability isn’t necessarily impaired despite the fact that one has to use a wheelchair.
Yes, I reckon it has affected my religious beliefs, to some extent. I was raised moderately Roman Catholic & believed in God as a child. I currently don’t believe in a deity/deities for many reasons, but one of those is that I just can’t see a loving deity fucking me & millions of others over for no reason. I feel that there is no plan; just shitty luck - or whatever you wanna call it. Before I came to that, though, there was indeed a “Why me?” thing. Still is, sometimes, only it doesn’t have anything to do with a deity.
Was my adolescent angst different from that of my friends? Definitely different from that of my non-disabled friends. I’m sure there were variations in angst amongst my disabled friends, but we had some special concerns (dating as a disabled person, for one) in common.
Ok, back to what Jake said about the Wheelchair Guy in Cambridge: Is this the black guy who sits in Harvard Square and asks for money for “wheelcahir basketball”? Because if he is, then I can report that he is still there and still going strong. My parents and I went to Cambridge in August, and he was there. My mom said that he was in the exact same place when she moved away 15 years ago. Kind of weird.
Thought you might get a kick out of something that happened to me back in the day. One of my good friends has Muscular Dystrophy and uses a chair. One night, we were out drinking. We weren’t drunk but we were feeling good. We were going from one bar to another when this older lady, a bit plump, expensive jewlery, the kind of woman who should be carrying a Shihtzu or a Pomeranian named “Precious”, if you know what I mean, came up to Andy and said “My, you do so well with being physically challeged!” I know she thought she was being “sensitive”, but she was being condescending as all hell, prolly without realizing it. Andy cocked his head back, grinned a big old grin at her, and said “Hell, lady, I’m not physically challenged, I’m a fuckin’ cripple!”
It’s one of the few times in my life when I have literally fallen down from laughing so hard. The look on her face was priceless!
Cosmo-in another thread, asking when people toss the “whites”, next to underwear you put: N/A. Does that mean a) You don’t throw out your panties or b) you go commando? If it’s b), how does that effect TMI-type aspects of your life?
I don’t wear panties because, as an incontinent person, I wear Attends (aka “adult diapers”). Since my ass is covered (sorry) by those, I don’t feel the need to wear panties as well. I’ll wear’em if I’m on a date that I feel might get to the panty-bearing stage, just because it looks a bit nicer, but I don’t wear’em on a regular basis.
Thanks, your naswer makes sense as I think of it. (I know few women w/SB who aren’t especially continent) Panties+diaper IS redundant. Related question (sorry, you’re a SB person I can talk about this with): IYE, is continence inversely related to abulatoriness? (IME it is)
Ok, this hasn’t really been asked…and I know that it’s a bit on the personal side, so I’ll understand if you don’t answer, but…well…what is sex like for you? Do you have feeling there? Do you achieve orgasm? Does the fact that you’re incontinent cause problems? Does your partner have to be carefull about positioning, since you may not be able to feel if he’s placed you in and awkward position? Feel free to ignore all you want…
You mean, is it my experience that the more ambulatory you are, the more incontinent you are? No, not IME.
That doesn’t make sense to me: It seems to me that a greater degree of usage of the lower extremities would indicate more nerves & muscles that’re working as they ought to be, thus [Ireducing the problem of incontinence. But maybe I’m wrong, or maybe I misunderstood the question.
What is sex like for me? Depends on the partner.
I can feel pressure much more than I can feel…touch…if that makes sense. By the same token, I enjoy penetration because of the mental aspect of sex & the other physical aspects of sex. That is, I enjoy the feeling of penetration not exactly for itself, but because I know what’s going on. Did that make any sense? If not, let me know & I’ll try to explain more clearly.
I can achieve orgasm, yes, though they’re mostly the result of full-body pleasure, rather than emanating from the vagina.
The fact that I’m incontinent causes me a little embarrassment when I have to explain it to a potential partner, but I’ve never peed on anyone, if that’s what you’re asking. I use the toilet & wash up before sex. Takes a little of the spontanaeity out of it, but what the hell?
My partner has to be a bit careful about just how…vigorously he penetrates me, but other’n that, I can feel everything that needs to be felt.
First, let me apologize for having missed your question! I dunno what happened; I think I thought I’d answered it.
I think that it’s an interesting concept that may, perhaps, expose more young children to the idea that there are people their age who use wheelchairs. Would I have wanted one as a child? I really don’t know… Maybe. The thing about me was, I was never ostracized as a child; I never felt that other children were afraid of me or disliked me due to my disability. Hence, I felt quite “normal”, so to speak.
See, being in a wheelchair is a bit different than being deaf. It’s my understanding that deaf & hearing impaired people all have essentially the same core issue; impaired hearing. If I’m incorrect, someone correct me, pronto!
Wheelchair users are a more varied group: The concerns of a person with Spina Bifida aren’t necessarily going to intersect very much with those of a person who has cerebral palsy, whose concerns might have little to do with those of a person who has multiple sclerosis, etc. I think for that reason, it’s not as cohesive a group.
That’s interesting. John Callahan, in He Won’t Get Far on Foot, wrote that paraplegics cop an attitude with quadraplegics, and that there’s a kind of pecking order based on the nature of the disability. Do you experience this? Have you read any Callahan?
