I cannot levitate. Nor can I pretend to do so on TV.
For a lot less than a billion, I’ll bet my Mom can stop terrorisim.
[mom]
“You What? You blew up two buildings for Allah? That sort of misses the POINT, doesn’t it? Get your ass to bed right now and don’t think about getting out until there is world peace. You’re gonna what? The hell you are! (wrestles gun from islamic extremist)Give me that gun! (Smacks extremist with butt of rifle ) I’ll AK-47 you right upside your head! You may think you’re hot stuff but your ass is gonna be hotter when I get through with it”
“And YOU!(points finger at Israeli holding Uzi) You go stand in that corner with your nose against the wall and don’t you MOVE! and PUT that DIRTY GUN in the GARAGE RIGHT NOW!”
“I HEARD that”(shouts to Islamic extremist who is muttering under his breath upstairs)“You better HOPE I don’t come marching up those stairs because I’m, gonna beat your ass SO hard you’re gonna have to sleep FACEDOWN for the REST of your LIFE!”
“Hey!!!(grabs israeli by then scruff of the neck and slams face into corner)Did I TELL you you could MOVE!!!???”
“No, I don’t CARE who started it or whose FAULT it is, we’re going to have some PEACE and QUIET here, and YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN TO GET ALONG, or you’re GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!!!??”[/mom]
Hell, it worked on me and my sister. Do you have a mom that could stop terrorisim?
Yep, unlike the Mararishi, my mom has EYES IN THE BACK OF HER HEAD and can SEE THROUGH WALLS…
“Stop making those terrorist faces at me – I don’t care if the door is closed, I KNOW you are making them!”
Also, let us not forget the psychic abilities of moms everywhere…
“Hey, I said put that gun down and don’t touch it again! Yes, I KNOW you weren’t reaching for it, but I also KNOW you were THINKING about reaching for it. Don’t lie to me, mister.” (Minority Report has nothing on my mother for dealing with crimes that have not yet been committed. Someone should really report her to the ACLU.)
This one might be unique to my own mother, but I would think it would be effective against those particular terrorists who have subverted the beliefs of Islam to justify misogyny …
“Did you just tell me this plane is being hijacked and that I have to cooperate? Well I’ve got news for you – you can’t tell me what to do. When you’re MY MOTHER you can tell me what to do, so when that happens, let me know. Until then, I am in charge here.”
And the classic …
“Don’t MAKE ME stop this plane and come back there!”
Frankly, my mom should also deal with the Maharishi…
“What? Do you think a billion dollars GROWS ON TREES?”
FCM, yes. And though she never beat me with a wire hanger(well, except when i deserved it) she could have taught Joan Crawford a few things about housecleaning- Mom’s house isn’t sanitary, it’s sterile. We had those plastic runner things, remember them? My feet never touched carpeting at home.
Let’s see, I think my mom’s take on terrorism would be something along the lines of “Don’t you run from me, Bin Laden. You’ll only get it twice as bad when I catch you.” Said with fly swatter/wooden spoon/summer shoe/whatever was nearby in hand.
Hehe it would be fun to put my dad on the negotioating table. Everytime they start to argue he could use his patented slam and glare of ultimate intimidation. He has mastered a fist slam into the dinner table that makes a deafening thud and causes everything on the table to jump about three inches in the air and come down without spilling. Followed by a long slow look that lingers on everybody involved at once, and could make a rabid wolverine drop its head and slink to the corner.