To my best friend's boyfriend...

You’re very sweet.

Really. You’re a good person.

Considering the maturity levels of the other 20-22yr old guys in this circle of friends, you’re very mature and adult. I like that.

You’re intelligent. You’re fun. You laugh a lot. You take things in your stride. You treat everybody around you with respect. You’re fair. You’re interesting.

You’re an extraordinary person.

And it’s a problem.

Because I like you.

I really like you.

Damn you.

And it’s hard for me not to show it, but I’m working on it. Nobody knows. I overheard one of the many gossipy conversations between our friends. You know who we never know about? Buckler. Anybody know if she fancies anybody? Huh? Anybody?

No. They think I’m without a love interest right now. That’s the way I want it.

I don’t fall for people often. It takes someone special to arouse any spark of romantic feeling. Once I do fall though, I fall pretty hard. Oh, I’m quiet about it. I keep it to myself. But my feelings… last.

And I realise you can’t very well stop being special.

But. Could you do me a favour?

Please stop flirting with me.

I don’t know what it means and I don’t know what to do when you do it.

Maybe you’re just affectionate & I’m misinterpreting.

Maybe I’m seeing something that I secretly want to see.

But you don’t seem to treat any of the other girls the same way.

Like the way you always ask if I need a hug. Or you ask me for a hug. No, I don’t need a hug. I just want one. From you. And it happens so often now, you ask a lot. I’m having trouble finding reasons not to hug you. I really don’t want to be seen as too eager to touch you. I’m trying to save face for both of us when I make an excuse like I’m just on my way to get the drinks, or whatever. But I can’t do that every time. I don’t want to reveal myself. I don’t want to embarrass or hurt my friend (your girlfriend). I don’t want to hurt you or watch you become joked about among the group for being so affectionate with me. That will hurt both of you.

Don’t misunderstand. Most of me wants to grin and say ‘Absolutely!’ when you offer. It’s just not… you know… I can’t.

When you’ve been drinking a bit, you kiss my cheek frequently. In front of everyone. Your girlfriend and you have NEVER been seen to kiss in public. Not even on the cheek. She’s told me privately, that you’re not a ‘public display of affection’ type of guy. So, you can see why the kissing and the hugging make me a little suspicious. I don’t think she’s seen you kiss me yet. I hope you don’t forget yourself in front of her.

You encourage me to drink too, always. You encourage me to wriggle out of it when it’s my turn to be designated driver. I never do. But still.

I’m not even sure YOU realise you’re doing this. Maybe you’re just being friendly, Maybe you’ve just decided it’s important to be on good terms with me because I’m so close to your girlfriend. It just feels so much like flirting.

I catch you looking at me sometimes. It’s not like I get stared at a lot. I’m not unnattractive, but I’m nothing too special either. You take an extra second before you look away too, after I catch you.

You seem to genuinely care for my friend. Really. And I don’t believe you’ll hurt her, or at least, I believe you would try NOT to hurt her. I doubt you’re going to break it off anytime soon, and she’s certainly not, she’s smitten and I’m happy for her. So, since neither one of us can pursue anything… if you could just knock it down a few notches…

The flying sexual innuendo is common within the group. Susan (my new fake name for said girlfriend) doesn’t engage in this much. She tends to get a bit embarrassed when the conversation takes a turn for the dirty and not say a lot. You like it though. And you’re happy to engage me in it, even when she’s with you. Maybe you two have such a healthy relationship that she doesn’t care about this. Maybe you’re just having fun. I don’t know.

You ring me a lot. Well, a lot for someone who is a relatively new friend. You seem to want to organise things with me and half the time I’m the one who ends up inviting your girlfriend along because I realise you haven’t told her.

Somebody crashed into your car a few weeks ago. You rang me. You said you felt awful and could you stop by my house later? You didn’t mention the accident then. I said ‘Of course, Susan’s already here, come right over!’ "Oh, I thought she was at home tonight… never mind… um… ok, see you soon.’ ’ It was a little awkward, you see, when your girlfriend was sitting right next to me, mobile phone on, you have a car accident and I was the one you called first.

You’re always making sure I’m ok…

‘How are you? You seem tired?’

'Having fun? Can I get you anything? Sure?

‘Hey, Buckler, what are you doing tonight? Susan? I don’t know. Yeah, I guess we should ask her too.’

The big cheeky grins. The just-barely-there excuses to touch me. Dropping in casually where I work to chat to me for 4 hours. The ‘Never mind your bad day, I still love you.’ Then the big cheeky grin again.

It’s not that I don’t want to respond in kind.

It certainly isn’t that I don’t like you. I have trouble not thinking about you. I have to work extra hard not to bring you up excessively in conversation. I have very strong feelings for you.

But this isn’t right. You’re dating her. Please be with her. If you weren’t - different story.

But you are. You and your stupid… charm.

I will have to confront you about it eventually, if it doesn’t stop. Well, I probably won’t. But I should. It’s getting very… difficult. I may have to stop hanging out with the group so much. I don’t want to, but what else do I do?

I would find this much easier to get over if it weren’t for all your little… signals. I try so hard to be nonresponsive, but when I ignore you or tone it all down a little, you act hurt.

This is getting hard. I really don’t want to hurt her, more than anything else. She’s been an excellent friend to me.

[/self-absorbed rant]


I’d send you hugs but you seem to need something else…

Tough one.

You didn’t ask for advice, but here’s mine. Avoid him. Perhaps you are what keeps his relationship with Susan interesting. If you are out of his life, he has time to realise what you mean to him. Also, you won’t torture yourself so much.
If you hear from Susan they broke up, wait three months. Then ask him out for a date.


Yeah, that’s pretty wierd. About the only “other” explanation would be if he somehow sees you as someone who’s good to have about in a pinch. Being a doper, I would have to imagine you are fairly knowledgable at least. Still seems an odd demeanor.

By the way, how you doin? :smiley: shameless

Three months? I thought it was three minutes…

actually, I have no idea as in

1.) being a guy
2.) being that guy almost no one wants to date (tis true)
3.) Not being friends with most guys who date anyone at all
and 4.) Being with the same girl so long now that I’m with her, it kinda would seem wierd if I was ever in that situation, and I’m pretty sure divorce could ensue, and it isn’t my cup of tea.

good luck though, I know that (for people who have them) these things can be incredibly rough.

Except Susan, of course, if everything you’ve said is true.

Seriously, assuming that you’re in the 22ish age range as well, it can be really easy to confuse a guy who’s *nice to you * with a “nice guy.” But if you have to call and invite his girlfriend along on these little outings he organizes with you? If he wants to come over to your place *until * he hears that his girlfriend is there? Not cool.

Enjoy the flirtation if you like, within reason. But keep in mind not only that you would you hurt your friend by pursuing it further, but that he’s not exactly proven himself as stellar boyfriend material. Get with him, and all you’ve got is a crappy boyfriend, and one less shoulder to cry on.

I’m with DianaG. Wanting to come over until he finds out his g/f is there? Sorry.

Look at it like this. Here is a charming, sociable guy. He knows what works with the ladies. He doesn’t take any relationship too too seriously because he knows the next one is a bit of charm away. That part of him that endears you to him is what works for most folks. However, that second part? The one that makes you invite his girlfriend when you wont? Would make someone like me run for the hills. Was he part of your friends group before he started dating her?

Guys like that? Yeah, not with a 10 foot pole. He is disrespecting his girlfriend. How would you feel if you were Susan? Would you really think he is such a good catch?

I am an outgoing, flirty person. I kid around with a lot of folks. If you were to ask any of them if they thought anything would happen with me, they would absolutely, without a doubt say “Not a chance in hell.” As a matter of fact, if I even suspect someone might be thinking a tad out of the box, I tone it way down WITH THEM to make sure they don’t think otherwise.

He doesn’t hug you in front of her? Or kiss you on the cheek in front of her? This post threw up so many red flags for me. I hope you can see through this. I can spot those guys a mile away now, it took a few years though.

All the nice, charming, funny, blah blah blah isn’t worth a hill of beans if he is out there making other women feel like you are feeling. Not if you are the one at home.

I retract my advice and side with Auntbeast.

Auntbeast is correct.

He may well be nice and charming - to you.

To Susan, he’s being an inconsiderate ass.

He won’t kiss or hug her in public, but feels no bones about doing so with one of her friends when she’s not around? He only wanted to come over when he thought Susan was at her house?

Not only no, but hell no.

Everything about him screams “cruising for the next thang”.

How would you feel if you were in Susan’s shoes? Because if you take up with him you will be - soon.

Get yourself a nice fat indelible Sharpie and write this down on the back of your hand, Buckler.

Ditto those who are saying you ought to look out.

Flirting outside of a relationship can be ok if everyone is comfortable with it. It sounds like this guy is very intentionally keeping that flirting out of sight of his girlfriend. Big red flag. It sounds like he’s a generally nice, affable, person, but it also sounds like he treats his gf pretty poorly.

Know how to break the obsession? Start resenting him for what he’s doing to you and especially to your best friend. I’d have questioned it too (is he just very friendly/flirty, or is it something more?) except for the incident about calling you first after an accident and then not wanting to deal with you once he found out his girlfriend was around. Maybe he’s having issues with her or something, but he needs to do the right thing and either deal with that or break it off.

No, he’s flirting with you because he’s attracted to you and he sees you respond in more than a friendly way to his flirts. He’s dating your best friend yet pushing all your buttons, just because he can. He’s still fairly young and thus probably immature in dealing with relationships, but do you want to be the next woman to be trod all over by him while he’s figuring this out?

Each time he flirts, kisses, hugs, whatever, see it for what it is - he’s using you and hurting your best friend, and dragging you in on hurting her too. I suspect that ought to cool the fire on your end.

If I may offer a dissenting opinion…

It could be that he’s a heartless cad who treats his girlfriends like shit. But it could also be that he simply ended up with the wrong person. Maybe he’s waiting for some signal from you to make his move.

I don’t know the guy obviously, so I don’t know if he simply feels he’s at the end of his current relationship and wishes to be with you or that he’s cad playing both ends against the middle.

If however, they do break up and he contacts you for a date, discuss the situation honestly with Susan first. You did say that she was your best friend. Your first loyalty should be to her.

Um… that is being a heartless cad. If you’re with the wrong person break up with them, as soon as you know. THEN you are free to pursue other relationships. You DON’T keep someone you pretend to care about (and who presumably cares about you) around until you have a sure shot at something more appealing. Not cool at all

I feel hurt on your behalf as I read these responses. No one wants to find out that their crush is probably a cad, even if it’s an unattainable crush.

But… here’s another vote to watch out and back away.

It’s good you’ve kept your feelings quiet; you don’t want to risk a fight with a good friend, especially since you haven’t done anything wrong.

I have to agree with Auntbeast and DianaG, this guy doesn’t sound like good news. Focus on your relationship with Susan and forget about this guy–there are genuinely nicer, sweeter, more thoughtful guys out there than him.

And that would be perfectly OK. Happens all the time. But first things first–he needs to lose his current GF before he starts in like this. And yeah, Susan needs to snap out of his spell soon because your she is about to get cheated on. Is she your best friend or what?

If so, an even better reason to snap out of it–he’s not secure enough to be alone. And that makes the OP “rebound-girl” or “next-girl.” Which is alright if she’s ok with being “the ex” or “previous-girl.”
See, this is one place where guys absolutely rule. My best friend’s girl starts in with this stuff on me? I take her up on it, shag her senseless and then head straight to my pal’s house and inform him that he’s dating a cheating bitch–and I can prove it. Then I get him drunk. Maybe you should do the same? I mean, do it for Susan, ok?

I really should clarify why I said what I did. You see I was that guy when I was young.

Oh, I was dutiful, and fun, and a nice guy – and I even stay friended with most of my Ex-GFs (after a cooling off period). I did, and still do, believe I was a good boyfriend, which may have been part of my appeal. Except for that one detail – and it’s a doozy

But, having stayed friends with them, I’ve gotten to hear how much I hurt some of them. I’ve also come to realize how much I was molded by being similarly hurt myself in my teens and early 20s (which probably contributed to or reinforced this roguish behavior)

The older I get, the worse my former behavior seems. Oh, I’ve forgiven myself --we were all just youngsters bumbling in the dark-- but there are often unintended effects. People move, leave school for a while, change jobs or fields. We have an impact on those around us.

Stop the cycle. Break ups are tough enough. Watching yourself being replaced by a friend in the wings is tougher.

If you two were close enough to make a rational choice to get together, despite the effect on Susan, you’d be talking to him, not us – and the two of you would probably decide, being “nice people”, not to do that to her. So either way, you wouldn’t end up together until Susan was long out of the picture, and cool about it.

I have been in your shoes but unfortunately I didn’t have the awareness or confidence to realize what was going on. I saw it as flattering. :frowning:

I made the wrong choice, and lost not only my best friend over it, but everyone else in our circle too.

I would avoid him, and if he keeps “pursuing” you, tell him that your loyalties are with your friend and you don’t feel comfortable about the way he flirts with you. Period.

Good luck.