To my ex-fiancee

We dated for eight years. I lived with you for six. I finally left you on my 25th birthday… that means we started dating while I was 17. You had just finished filing for your divorce. I thought, at the time, I was special, better. It made me feel good, especially given my tumultuous relationship with my parents at the time.

Well, I’ve grown up now.

I left you the joint checking account, and you drained it and bounced checks in my name. I left you the cats, thinking that you’d be lonely and you needed them more than I did, since I was the one doing the leaving… and already you’ve found someone new, who you’ve been showing off as “someone even younger than lovelee”. I feel bad for her, and I hope she doesn’t make the same mistakes that I did. I also feel bad for you, considering you have apparently learned absolutely nothing from our relationship - you’re behaving exactly as you did when I met you… including badmouthing your former significant other.

I was apparently the one who ruined your plans for early retirement, but you’re showing off your checking account statements, with 12k in it (9k of which was from the joint checking account, which I gave you with no strings attached because I thought of it as “rent”).

I’ve dealt with the constant questions at work concerning the 15k you gave back to me, since you felt the need to explain the situation to everyone. I considered it only fair, especially since it was the down payment on the house that was in your name only, that you’re keeping (again, no strings attached). And somehow, even though you sent the check with a letter saying “It’s not about the money,” it seems to be… especially when you’re talking to my co-workers.

I hope you’re happy. I think you’re making the same mistakes as you did with me, eight years ago. I hope this new girl is more malleable than I grew up to be, just so you don’t have the same argument over “Stepford Wives” as we did, where you indicated that you didn’t think the husbands were out of line because the wives put themselves in a subordinate position anyway, and deserved to be replaced. And you’d better be giving the cat his medicine every day, because if I find out that he’s died due to his totally preventable condition, I’ll come over to your house and squeeze your testicles in needlenose pliers. I miss him much more than I miss you. I cry because I miss my cat, while you’re out dancing, drinking Guinness, smoking cigars, planning ski trips, and telling everyone how I’m a horrible person for ruining your financial dreams.

And stop giving my few mutual friends guilt trips for hanging out with me. Especially considering that I essentially broke away from the whole “circle” so you could have the support I thought you needed.

Also, I want the stuff back that’s been left in the attic for a time when you could “get everything together”. What I want is all in boxes… my childhood craft projects, quilts my relatives made for me when I was a baby… how can you go about looking for someone new with a clear conscience, knowing all these memories of mine are held hostage? Especially when I asked you for these things more than a month ago?


Take the kitties, too. Asshats shouldn’t have kitties. Kitties don’t deserve asshats, either. Take care, lovelee.

Asshat? That’s a far too mild of a name for this guy. Taking your money is terrible, of course, but this thing with your belongings being held hostage infuriates me.

I’m very sorry this happened to you. Do what you have to do to get everything back.

Best of luck to you.

This guy sounds like a real ass. But why have you cut him so much slack? Guilt? Old feelings die hard? Or what? Now that you’re not together, he does not need, and from your description, does not deserve your support. You’ve no obligation to be anything more than civil, if that.

If you can possibly let the stuff in the attic go, then do it. My ex held my pictures and Christmas ornaments hostage until I had dinner with him, to ‘talk’. I didn’t want to eat with him and I never got my stuff back, pictures of the kids that he’s let molder. On a visit to his house, my daughter swiped a bunch—moldy. I’m often asked why I’m not more bitter—why I’ve cut him so much slack…because I don’t want to be bitter. I want to be happy. And I can be happy without my stuff.

It sounds like you’re doing just fine, lovelee, but I’m also wondering why you’re cutting him so much slack. It definitely sounds like you’re being the bigger person, and I think you’ll be the happy one, too; just make sure you don’t take it too far and end up feeling like a doormat.

Be an Ex-Fiancee Ninja.

Steal the cat.

Like Cyn, for the longest time he wanted to “talk”. I took my dad over with me to help me move some things out, and he glowered the whole time. I’d been receiving email missives instead - long ones - about what a bad person I was turning into and what bad decisions I was making.

It’s just reached the point of extreme frustration.

A friend of mine was over there the other night. The cat was locked in the back room the whole time. =(

Get the Kitty!

And get some legal advice!

Sounds like he’s still screwing you. (sorry for the image that may bring up)

Really, I think you need some good legal advice.


How old is this guy btw? He sounds old enough to know and behave far better than is is doing.

Asstophat, not just Asshat.

He’s in his early 30’s. He should know better.

I just needed to vent because I miss my cat.

Of course, he changed all the locks right away so I can’t exactly do ninja antics either.

hehehe, check this out

Get the cat back… and kick him in the junk.

In case you haven’t figured it out on your own already (which you probably have), stop all contact with him. If he sends you emails, delete them unread. Block his email address so he can’t get to you. Don’t take calls from him, throw letters into the garbage unread. I’m not saying this guy is abusive, but if you said it’s over, he should be respecting that, and if he doesn’t, you have every right to put him on “ignore” in every way. And at 30, he truly should know better. He’s behaving like a petulant 16 year old (no offense to 16 year olds, of course).

Go get your cat. I’d call the guy a dick, but mine gives me pleasure, has given women pleasure, so it never made much sense to call a bad guy that.

I’m serious, go get your cat and your stuff.

I’m glad that you got away from that guy. And the fact that he grabbed a young girl right away shows that he didn’t learn a damn thing about himself, didn’t give himself enough time to learn anything from the relationship or the breakup. It just makes him look like even more of an eel.

You sound wise enough to give yourself time to learn & heal from the situation.

We should start some kinda SDMB divorced/seperated mutual admiration society; there’s plenty of us here.

Sounds a lot like my ex :rolleyes:

Another voice to reclaim what is yours - especially the kitty.

I hope you get this worked out.

Wishing you the best.

How old was he when you started dating him? What kind of a scumbag dates a teenager? That should have been a warning sign right there. A mature adult male does not date teenage girls.

Um, Dio, she was a teenager at the time. That’s probably why she didn’t see it as a warning sign.

He was my first “serious” boyfriend. I was also about to leave for college and probably was clinging a little too much to something familiar.

That’s one reason why the whole “I’ve found someone new… and she’s even younger!” thing seriously squicks me. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to leave.


My opinion?

Get another cat. Sever all contact.

BTW, the ‘stuff’ is only important to him because it’s important to you. If you didn’t care about it, he would’ve already boxed it up and dropped it off at your door.

lovelee - you did well by leaving the asshat…

From here, all you have do to is pick yourself up and look ahead. Never, ever look back. He’s not worth it.

Don’t view it as years you’ve lost - think of it as experience gained… and hang in there.