You can’t fight for her. She’s not a prize to be won or lost, she’s a human being with her own heart and mind. And right now her heart and mind are set on being with someone else. If she really, truly wanted to be with you, she’d be with you. If she even moderately wanted to be with you, she wouldn’t be marrying someone else.
If Dr.J had feelings for someone else and wanted to act on them, I’d let him go. It would tear me apart, but I’d do it. I love him enough that I want him to happy far more than I want him to be with me. Actually, that’s only part of the reason. The rest of it is that I wouldn’t want him to stay with me out of pity or guilt or a sense of obligation. I deserve a man who is with me because I’m the one he wants above all others, and I won’t settle for anything less. Life is too short (or maybe too long, depending on your perspective) to spend it on somebody’s back burner.
“To your own self be true…” In other words, you’re numero uno, baby! You gotta keep looking out for #1 because no one else is! Of course, with affairs of the heart, it’s easier said than done, but don’t wait for her to come around… - Jinx
I just went through this. I spent a month crying and drinking and doing every self-destructive thing I could think of, bemoaning “fate” and “circumstance” and all the other random, evil third-parties that had taken her from me.
I blamed her parents. I blamed the distance. I blamed economic disparity. I blamed anything I could except her. Until my mother said to me, “If she wanted to be with you, she would be with YOU, and nothing else would matter. She’s made her choice, and she’s chosen convenience. Stop being an ass and move on.”
And you know what? My mother was right. I hated what the situation was, but there was no resolution in trying to change what I couldn’t. And it wasn’t until I cut her out of my life that I was ready to let her back in. AFTER she had made her choice. AFTER she had aplogized for hurting me. AFTER she took accountability for her OWN decisions.
Do they come back? Sometimes. But this woman is making a life-altering decision here, and you’re coming out on the wrong end of that decision. If a crisis happens,she can always break up with you and try to work things out with him. But you can’t un-marry someone (sure, you can get divorced, but you know what I mean).
Nothing dictates what happens to her except HER. And she has chosen, and you didn’t win. This woman picked marrying someone she allegedly does not love over being with you. I’ll tell you what, pal. If that’s the way she treats the people close to her, my happy scrappy ass would be getting as far from her as possible.
Having a baby in hopes of saving a marriage.
Yet capable people who should know better do these stupid things all the time.
To the issue at hand: You’ve already got some really great advice here, from several different angles. Here’s my .02: You’ve already “set her free”. She didn’t come back to you, she picked the other guy. It happens.
Don’t wait around years or even months to see what happens with her. Find a girl who will make YOU her #1 without question or qualification.
If you’re really convinced that she is the only girl for you, do what Bill H. said and try to take control of the situation. You try calling the shots in this deal. If, (or more likely when) this tactic doesn’t work you will at least be able to say you hit it with your best shot. “Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady” and all that.