To set my love free.... or to fight for them.... ?

In My Humble Opinion
1

The cliche goes something like, “If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, they were always yours. If they don’t, it wasn’t meant to be.”

Does this really apply to love? Has anyone followed this advice and set the object of their desire free? If so, did they come back?

The scenario: I am madly in love with somebody who is getting married to somebody else in a little bit more than a month.

She has basically admitted to me that she is getting married as an attempt to “save the relationship”. These two people are high school sweethearts, and they have “invested so much in each other”, and “isn’t it worth one last shot?”.

Some quotes from her:

“I do feel the connection and I know we fit together, it’s just that I have this feeling that I need to go this way with my life”

“I hope that if I came to a point in my life when we [meaning her and him, not her and me] are married and I am not happy, I will let it go.”

And the atypical, but hopefully honest: “Honestly, you are perfect, it is me.”
Both of us can picture a few together; strong similarities between the two of us, both in regards to materialistic likes and wants, as well as emotional/psychological/social mannerisms. It’s as if she were the female embodiment of me.

Less than a week ago, I told her that I will always love her, and she returned with “I love you.”

And yet she is still getting married.

She is of the opinion that “what is meant to be will be”. However, I am of the opinion that you should make life happen, and not wait around for life to happen to you.

I’ve tried to take the high road and let her do what she wants. I do really care about her, and do want her to be happy. I really do hope that if she goes through with the marriage, that it’s the best life for her and wish her the best.

I can actually see myself waiting for several years to see if the marriage works out, at which point we can work on “us”. Even if she stays married, as long as she is happy, I’ll be glad for her.

However, my wants and needs begin to take over, and I really can’t picture my future without her. And therein lies the rub.

Do I set her free and wait to see what the future holds? Or do I take control, and stand up and fight for us, and risk losing everything? I would be completely devestated if I fought so hard now, only to lose it all. However, I can’t stand the thought of letting her go and chancing never seeing her again.

Has anybody been in this situation before? What did you do? And what would you recommend now?

Wait for several years, holding onto a small strand of hope? Or, go for it now? Or just give up on it all?

Thanks for any advice (or stories or motivational anecdotes) you can give me…

2

Man, that is tough.

I have never been in a situation where someone declared their love for me and then did some major that was contrary to that, so I can only tell you what I think I would do in that situation. I would probably get mad, and be more of, “If you love me, why are you marrying him?” Something is compelling her to marry him and it may just be the history, but it may be the history, and she may really love him.

If she couldn’t give me an answer that satisfied me, I really would just cut my losses now and move on. I certainly don’ t think you should “wait” for her. Sorry to be blunt, but you are just asking for more heartbreak and pain.

I might get some flak for this, but I would venture to say that she really might love you and love him as well. If all things are equal (she loves you both), then it’s logical for her to try to make it work with the other man she loves, with one whom she has a history. Just because a couple might be going through hard times (and thus may result in an attraction to another person), doesn’t mean they won’t make it in the long run.

Of course, we never know what the future holds, but this just doesn’t sound like a good situation from what I can tell. There are plenty of other fabulous babes just waiting for someone to love…

3

This is how I see it: you’re doing what lots of guys do when a woman gets engaged. You’re coming out of the woodwork wanting one last shot at her. And you probably wouldn’t be even slightly interested in her if she were available. Why? Because you want a challenge, and a soon-to-be-married woman falls into this category. (I’ve seen a lot of guys break up steady relationships and suddenly find they’re not as in love as they thought. Maybe you’re one of them, maybe not.)

The minute I got engaged, I became the hottest ticket in town.

I’m not saying it’s your fault or that you’re a bad person or anything. You’re human. And I might add that women do the exact same thing, albeit for different reasons. When a woman is looking to break up an engaged couple, she’s usually just wanting to see if she can do it. The thrill of being the sexy little homewrecker and all that. IMHO, of course.

So first off, this marriage is a disaster waiting to happen. She’s already making escape plans. IF you talk to this girl again (and I strongly suggest that you don’t), get on your knees and BEG her to get on Norplant or another form of long lasting birth control. Bringing babies into this marriage would be horrible considering she’s going into this thing already knowing who she’s going to run to when she gets bored in a couple of years.

Also, she doesn’t have a “feeling” this is what she should do. She’s choosing to marry him. HIM.

Not you, which may well be to her disadvantage, but nevertheless she’s going to walk down that aisle with this other guy. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She may actually love you. Or she could just be enjoying the attention she’s getting from you. “I may be taken but dammit I’ve still got it!” etc. Hey, it’s FUN to be desired. She’s eating it up.

You’re not “fighting for us.” You’re fighting for what you want. She’s already made her decision.

Since you asked, you need to walk away. Run, actually. If you stick around waiting for this marriage to end, you’re a vulture. It would also be foolish because for all you know, she’s bullshitting you and has no intention of splitting up (lots of people stick it out even after the love is gone, for various reasons).

I don’t know how long YOU plan on living, but I think life is too damn short to be waiting around for people to decide whether or not they’re going to have a place for you in their life. You deserve a woman that can be totally yours.

The sooner you get this woman out of your sight, the sooner she’ll be out of your thoughts. Yes, there is a future without her, I promise.

Run, run, run. YOUR woman is waiting. And when you find her I guarandamntee you that she will wipe the floor with this girl in every way.

4

She’s marrying someone else. Put her behind you, then go out and have a good life. Someday you’ll realize how lucky you were that this narcissitic manipulative woman chose another.

5

She should be getting married because she can’t imagine a better thing to do, not because it’s some sort of Hail Mary pass to save the game. That’s not what marriage is for, not at all. I think I would tell her that, telling her to leave me out of the equation when thinking about it. She needs to be told, regardless of your attachment. I also think that if you really love her, you could probably find it in yourself to let her do what’s best for her, even if that means marrying neither of you.

6

When I read the thread title I think:
To set them free or to fight for them? If you have to fight to keep them, they aren’t really yours.

When I read she was getting married soon, I think:
That “save her from getting married to the wrong guy” thing works great in the movies; real-life applications much less so.

When I read that she is getting married to “save the relationship,” I think:
Holy shit! This chick’s bat-shit crazy!

When I read your selected collection of quotes, I think:
Straight from the playbook: “I like this guy a lot as a friend, but am not attracted to him enough to actually consider a serious relationship with him, much less marriage. I want to keep him as a friend so I’ll concede how well we get along.”

Tip-off #1: Has she been dating him or you?
Tip-off #2: Anytime someone says “It’s not you, it’s me,” it’s the both of you… not fitting one another. She does love you… as a friend. Platonic love is only one component of romantic love. The fact that you are the “male embodiment of her” may not be the strongest point in your favor. Ideally, you would be the male complement to her. The whole completing-the-puzzle-thing; you have what she lacks and vice-versa.

And no offense, but I suspect you’re sharing highly selected quotes to influence the polling results. That’s not a personal attack—because I don’t know you personally—that’s my guess based on human nature… specifically the nature of a person carrying a torch for another person.

I predict she will go ahead with her plans regardless of what you do. My suggestion is: Do not pursue her. Do not hold out a few years waiting for her. Do put some distance between the two of you. Because this thing you have isn’t going to fade away softly and gently. It has been and will continue to grow and fester until you resent her for not giving you the degree of love you feel you deserve.

If it’s true that she is getting married to “save the relationship,” (thought I suspect this may be a line custom-made for your benefit) she is making a huge mistake. Just as marriage enhances the bliss that two loving people share, marriage also acerbates the problems that exist in a relationship.

7

I forgot to add something (not a quote). After we started really bonding and talking about the future… she drove ~10 hours or so to talk to him and break the engagment. However, after she told him this, she says that she suddenly saw her future without him and became afraid and knew that he was what she wanted.

I tried to tell her that I’ve gone through the same thing (suddenly changing your mind during a break) a few times and that she was making the wrong decision.

That was actually what I was pushing her towards, at least for the meantime. I suggested that she end the engagement, go home for the summer, and then after she had a significant time to be alone and think about things, we could possibly start a real relationship. But, as mentioned above, that all suddenly changed.
But I do appreciate everyone’s comments, especially since they’re all of the same opinion. It’s put a new perspective on things, and I thought of a new perspective that I hadn’t before (that is, I’ve never been dumped before; I’ve always been the dumper… and now I know how it feels to have your heart broken and I went into crisis-mode, just like my dumpees had).

So, thanks for the advice. I’d still appreciate any other advice or stories that people can give me… but it’s become abundantly clear that I’d be dumb to try to pursue any sort of relationship with her. Sure, there’s always the future… but I’m not going to wait around for it.

8

Yeah, my best guess is that what she really saw was “It may not be the best, but it’s what I know.” I saw that with a boyfriend that I had early in college - he was neglecting me in our long-distance relationship, but I stuck with it since we’d been together a few years (started in high school), and it seemed like that was such a long time, and it’d be a waste to break up. Meanwhile, I met this guy in my dorm who was sooo nice, and sweet, and I found myself falling in love with him, but I wanted to be faithful to my boyfriend, so I wavered for quite a while. Until, that is, my friends practically slapped me around to get me to realize my then-boyfriend was a jerk and I shouldn’t let this other guy get away. So I dumped the old BF and though I usually don’t recommend rebound relationships, this one worked out - we’re over a decade out of college and happily married to each other.

However, a major factor is that I was not in the same place that she was, getting married as a last-ditch “hope this saves us” attempt. And I actually realized that it’s better to “waste” a few years on a relationship that isn’t working and then leave it, than it is to waste many more years, even decades, on one that isn’t working.

9

Been there, done that. Still doing it, in fact. I don’t know what my advice to you is, really, but I suspect it would err on the side of letting her go. If you persuade her not to go through with this marriage, you put tremendous pressure on the relationship between the two of you. I think the advice you gave her was the best: to break up with him, and to be alone for a while, but if she wasn’t willing to take it, there’s nothing to be done.

I don’t have a problem with believing that she loves you both, but she has chosen the relationship which, to her, signifies commitment. There’s nothing to say that she has made the right decision, or that it will work out in the end, or that she will be happy. But unfortunately this is a decision that she will have to make for herself. It is doubly unfortunate that her decision involves two other people, neither of whom probably deserve to get hurt.

Love is wonderful and amazing… and messy and painful, and sometimes there’s nothing we can do except suck it up and move on.

10

Screw that.

If you love and want the woman, tell her, “I love you and don’t want you to marry the other guy”. Don’t beat around the bush; don’t encourage her to spend “significant time alone to think about things”.

See, the thing is, she doesn’t think like you. She’s not “doing what she wants”. She’s letting the river flow, and right now, the other guy is paddling, and you’re taking a break.

That’s what I think anyway.

11

Oh, and know ahead of time that there’s a good chance you’ll lose.

But damn, man, at least go out swinging.

12

Actions speak louder than words, my friend.

Do you really want to build a relationship with someone you had to convince, damn near beg to be with you and talk out of marrying another?
I know it’s hard to step back when you’re in the middle of that sort of turmoil, but seriously, if she truly wanted to spend her life with you, she’d do it. She’d rationalise it somehow. I’m sorry to say this, but you’re second choice. And if you hang around waiting, that will start to chafe and you’ll lose all respect (from her, in yourself, etc).
She’s chosen, there’s nothing you can do. You have to leave the situation. On friendly terms is better, but I don’t think she deserves that much, with how she’s stringing you along.
Run.

13

She’s made her decision. Whether you think it’s the right decision or not, it’s her decision to make. If you’ve made your argument as persuasively as you can and she’s not persuaded, there’s nothing to be done but accept the situation and move on with your life – and by that I mean move on with your life, not hang out waiting for her to come to her senses and turn to you.

14

Kinda speaking from experience, I say let her go and don’t wait around for anyone.

15

When I was 20 I was engaged to “gregg”. I broke it off long before the wedding because I lived in another state and he wouldn’t move to be with me. Long story short, got engaged on the rebound and married within a year of breaking up. I just found out that on my wedding day Gregg stood in the back - planning to “take me away”. Then he saw how happy I was and went home. Now, my husband is moving out in less than a month and Gregg and I are planning on being married. From beginning to end, it’s been 8 years. He loved me enough to let me get married, and I love him enough to “un-marry”.

16

I do think love is worth fighting for.

But I think you already have fought. In the OP you told us you told her you loved her. I think it is a completely great and worthwhile doing that and doing it before the wedding. It would have been awful if you told her after and she said “If only you had said that before I got married”.

In your case however, owning up to loving her didn’t help. IMO that was your best shot and you gave it. How can you top that? Apart from physically kidnapping her any further attempts will only be repeats of the same message. She has all the facts right in front of, that’s all you can do. It’s now her decission. I know it feels bad to be in someone’s else power in that way, but in order to have a relationship two people have to choose it.

Good luck.

17

Some of the best advice I’ve read here.

18

Been there, done that…doesn’t pay off. Odds are, such situations are always very long shots no gambler would take, and your gambling with your heart. If it’s not too late, do what you can to show her how you feel, but if that is not enough, often loving her means letting her go (Ouch!).

Sure, it is going to be very hard for you to let go, but from experience, you’ll kick yourself for putting your life on hold for someone who, more than likely, will not be there for you in the end anyhow…and the waiting can be endless. It just compounds the heartache in the end.

When you feel strong enough, go find someone else. Don’t base your on these cliches. They’re just warm sentiments to try and lean on once the real heartache starts.

Best of luck,

  • Jinx
19

I once was madly in love with a man… who dumped me to run back to his psycho ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him several times, in just six months. I let go, in the hopes that he’d see how noble I was, and how I was a better person than her (not that that was hard), and blah blah blah fishcakes. Well, he didn’t come back-- but: 1. I discovered he was not anything like what I thought he was like, what he had presented himself to be like, and 2. before too long, I met someone else much better, who really was who I thought he was, and we just had our second wedding anniversary, and a baby. There’s really no choice but to let go. Hanging on won’t really get you anywhere. Letting go, may not either… at least not with that person. Best of luck with it all, anyway. I rember how horribly anguishing the whole thing was. It felt like a months-long heart attack.

20

Couldn’t agree more with that. That was my first marriage, in a nutshell. We’d been together for years, were having problems and thought getting married would fix them. WHY on EARTH I ever thought this is a mystery to me. From 4 years on down the road, it seems blindingly obvious how stupid it was, and how doomed to failure. But when you are in it, you just can’t see it, and I don’t know why. The limitless human capacity for self-deception and denial, perhaps?

But as to the OP, she can’t see it right now, and it’s likely that the harder you try to win her, the more determined you’ll make her to marry Mr. Wrong. You don’t really want to hang around as the Plan B Guy for however many years it takes her to figure this out, do you? Besides, there is no guarantee that she’ll go with Plan B. If/When Plan A goes wrong, she may reject plan B and go straight for C, D or E. Move on, for your own sake.