To the Coliseum parking deck attendant

You, sir, are a pervert. A no-good, knuckle-dragging, bunny rabbit sucking, keyhole banging, chauvinistic, Hee-Haw-looking, vacuous, mucous slobbering, stuffed-animal-fucking, thick-headed, carrion chomping, imprudent, llama molesting, son of a wanton bitch PERVERT.

Your job is to collect the $6 (or less) that I owe at the end of each day for parking in this fairly nice parking deck. Conversation should be limited to “Good Afternoon,” “Nice Weather,” and other such asinine bullshit. Asking me what I’m doing this weekend is inappropriate, as is telling me that I ought to do “more partying and less studying”. Whistling at me and calling me “hey, beautiful” is uncalled for and even more inappropriate.

But you didn’t whistle at me today. No. The first thing out of your mouth when I drove up today was “Can I marry you?” I can’t believe you get off on this shit. I don’t find your remarks amusing or cute in any way. I think they’re disgusting. What in the Hell is a damn-near 55 year old man doing whistling at an 18 year old girl? For the love of Jumpin’ Jesus Jack Flash on a pogo stick with a beanie cap, go buy yourself a Playboy Magazine or something. They sell them over in the campus bookstore for cryin’ out loud!

In any case, I’m going to complain to the University’s transportation department tomorrow (and move my vehicle to a different pay lot).

Now run along out back and play a nice, long game of hide and go fuck yourself. I’m tired of dealing with you.


A most excellent rant. Reading it, I felt the rage that kind of crap always inspires. I hate that shit. It’s like, you’re angry enough to tell them off but if you do then you have to worry about retribution from the prick.

I’m not there, so maybe the guy is a pervert.

But maybe he’s just trying to brighten your day. Perhaps he is not aware that some women find this creepy and not pleasant. I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be creeped out, just that maybe his heart is in the right place.

I know! An experiment to determine this:

  • Find a female co-worker or student who does not conform to standards of beauty. By a mile. You know, the kind of person few would say are beautiful.
  • Follow that person as they leave the parking lot - try to stay out of sight to avoid tainting the data.
  • If he says “That’ll be $6 dollars”, kick his ass.
  • If he says “Howdy gorgeous! Thanks for sharing that beautiful smile with me. Have a great day!” or whistles, then I think it’s safe to say he’s just trying to be a cheerful day-brightener.

Seriously, I personally would feel bad for complaining to his boss if he’s just a nice guy - BUT I personally would feel righteous complaining to his boss if he’s obsessed with you. Only you (and friends near the situation) can make the call.

If you really think the guy is borderline obsessed, you must report him.

Good luck!