Actually, in this case, it’s not her loss.
Don’t mention Feta Cheese to this guy.
In case it wasn’t obvious, pervertatoid is a friend I’ve introduced to the wonders of the SDMB.
Oh dear. I was wondering what the “problem” with pervatoid was. I was worried that he had an axe to grind with you or he was a psycho or something. (Sorry. I get protective of fellow Dopers.)
Well considering this thread and the sentiments I have seen expressed by Dopers in other threads (pit and otherwise) it seems that most people do not want to deal with people beyond their immediate social circle except under circumstances where the individual can maintain control or an illusion of control of the situation.
Being a pessimist, I feel the people who shared their feelings regarding the situation are the exceptions which prove the rule.
I’d suggest asking for advice in real life.
raisinbread, do I count as giving advice “in real life”? He’s sittin’ next to me, and I read off all of these things to him (not that he is blind and has no text-to-speech software installed - or that he doesn’t “know his letters”* - and therefore hasn’t read them before), so I’m curious. Lemme know.
- Direct quote from Jimmy Quasar
Congratulations! You’re in good company, although it’s been a few years since I turned 22.
Right on! Thanks! And to you as well!
Isn’t 22 the birthday of the Poofy?
Just go up and talk to someone. People want to be reached out to. How else are you ever going to be comfortable doing something, unless you actually do it?
Yes, and it was a lovely example. I have experienced it many times myself.
But it is irrelevant. You and the stranger were different ages, and there was no attraction. The OP is attracted to the stranger with the curly blonde hair. He is flustered, excited, afraid, and has no idea what to do. This is quite normal for many people. The question is what to do given *those[/] understandable circumstances.
So I guess the key part of this isn’t some weird strategy, but to remember that members of the opposite sex who, like you, are also members of the human race who have the same reproductive urges and do not have the telekinetic ability to make your head explode… Generally.
Gee, I wish I could do that.
Absolutely. I’m sorry if I haven’t emphasised the importance of relaxing and being confident (in yourself being relaxed) enough. Do take it easy. They aren’t some “wierd alien creatures”… like you they are just human. I’m sorry if this point wasn’t stressed enough when I said:
I should of put the first part of the sentence in bold. However, there are a couple of things I wish to address:
Okay, I’m not advocating that he walk up to her and come firing off a cheesy one-liner “are you feelin’ lucky tonight?” etc. I am the strongest advocate against doing something (which I consider) that stupid. All types of one-liners etc. are off the table. Completely.
But to say geniune? What the living hell does he know about her? Absolutely Jack Squat! His only real reference frame (if he has never seen her before), whether you like it or not… is that he likes the look of her - or Something In The Way She Moves (as a James Taylor fan). For all he knows, she could be the Boston Stranglers second niece (who happens to exhibit the same qualities). Because the idea is “you want to get to know her” (relatively admirable, as opposed to “I want to suck your breasts” or something to that effect), you have to at some point approach her and start talking to her.
Now I’ve done this quite a lot. Not just with women, but people in general. And but with some very friendly exceptions, people are more likely to talk to you (or give you a hint of starting a conversation) when you have a sorta reason for talking to them. Hell, I don’t blame them… I’m the same. I’d much rather someone started off with, “hey… you know what the time is?” or “when does the next bus come?..blah…blah…blah…” than if they come up to me and say, “hey, I just noticed you in the corner…and… I wanted to get to know you better… my name is P----” etc. Deep down, I might think “that girl got no friends”… (or something less harsh)
People in general don’t want you to pile on pressure to them. Starting off with something like “hi, do you like me?” Instantaneously does just that–puts pressure on them to respond in the affirmative, even when they don’t know you. And they don’t like that.
Talking about something on the fly doesn’t mean you are being “fake” or “not yourself”. That is crap. We all talk about stuff in our lives at some point that doesn’t really affect us just to keep the conversation going–economics, job losses, the weather, politics etc. The only difference is here you are starting off a conversation based on this. Think of it that way. If you didn’t do that, you’d have no friends at all.
Absolutley, this only adds to the “natural” feeling of a conversation, that you are not making any real big-time effort, which is very important.
I’m not talking about sitting in the corner of a room in the middle of the shop (or whatever location) for half an hour scribbling out plans to dominate the conversation and all the funny little “quirks” you’re gonna have. I’m simply saying that when you intro yourself, you have something to go on, which you will need regardless of whether you plan it out or not. Just asking for the time or directions (or whatever else is applicable–if you’ve been visiting the store for six years and you don’t know where the bathroom is, you’re gonna look like a potential wierdo) can be good enough. If you like simple, keep it that way. Don’t overthink it. But as you approach more people in this way, it will become less of a worry-practice really does make perfect and you’ll figure out what is comfortable for you. But do have it in mind unless you want to end up in a position where you have to say, “hi, I’m just…well… looking for some sex… uh shit, well you know…hee…hee, see you later”.
Once again, you figure it out. If you enjoy politics, like a girl who will like politics and express her opinions forthright, then you do just this. Ask her about Bush. If she’s not what you are looking for and looks at your eyes dumbstruck and asks “Bush is capital of America? I thought it was just New York?” You clearly realize this ain’t the girl for you. On the subject of what you start to talk about, YMMV. That’s basically up to you. Like I said though, you’ll find it much easier to start a small-talk conversation (it doesn’t have to be deep - it can be small talk believe it or not) than to just say, “hi, my names White L----” etc. yosemitebabe’s post is a testement to this. It works out to be a hell of a lot easier in practice if you start off with topics that you could both have in common or some small talk.
See, I don’t see it that way. There’s no reason to think that talking about things (even BS things that are not necessary to talk about) is a sense of uneasiness and that by introducing yourself you are making yourself more firm. You are simply just striking up a conversation with someone you found interesting about any related topic you can think of. It’s much easier to say “hey, I found this (conversation) really interesting, say… do you live around here…? etc.etc.etc.” than to say “hey, you don’t know me…but I want to talk to you…etc.etc.etc.”
Oh and WL, please don’t take it as though I’ve picked on you or something. I merely use your post to clarify any misunderstandings on my own position.
Just a follow up… (two weeks later)
She was at Barnes and Noble again tonight. No, I didn’t go talk to her. (she seemed busy with some paperwork) God, I suck…
Yes, you do…but I’m not complaining…you do a fairly decent job…
I’ll excuse you for not interrupting her studying/whatever, though you should’ve stalked her 'til she finally stopped staring down at whatever she was looking at…then talked to her. So for not waiting, you get an F.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, you can come over tonight, I’ll be there for you…just make sure you bring me back my copy of UT2k3.
Ok, well the next time you see her, you can mention something along the lines of having seen her there before, and maybe comment on similar interests that you may have observed based on what you’ve seen her reading. “Hey, come here often? Like the Wall Street Journal, huh?”
Slightly more seriously, as cheesy as a cheesy pickup line is, if you follow it up with an actual valid statement, it usually goes off pretty well. Obviously its an excuse to talk to her, but just as obviously, so is anything else you might say. Its not like this girl is going to think “Oh, random-guy wants to talk about STOCKS! How cool!” She’s going to think “Hey, random-guy wants to talk to ME, and saw what I was reading, and chose that as an opener - how cool!”.
Just go talk to her next time you see her (and I think its safe to say that she’ll be there again sometime in the near future). She saw you the first time, she likely saw you the second time, and she might even be wondering about whay she couldn’t strike up that conversation with the nice-looking guy she keeps seeing at the bookstore.
Okay this startled me a little 'cuz I have blond curly hair and I love B&N and often go there at night. But I’ve never read the WSJ. Darn, I thought someone went moony over me. (pout)
Jimmy, just relax. What do you have to lose? SO she gets up screams at you and walks away. That’s the worst that can happen and you’ll laugh about it later, I’m sure.
“So you come here quite a bit, don’t you? I’ve seen you here before. I love this place. Are you a student or teacher? What do you teach?/What’s your major?” And so on from there. Comment on what she’s reading even expressing complete ignorance of it if need be, inviting her to show you about it. When her coffee is empty offer to buy her another. If things go well you could see if she’s interested in meeting at the same place same time next week and then possibly out for drinks after.
To quote hockey great Gordie Howe: You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
I’ve learned to live with what I’ll call a worst possible doctrine, e.g. If I do x, what is the worst possible outcome? In your scenario, Jimmy Quasar, so long as you behave like a sincere gentleman, a polite “No thank you” is the likely worst possible outcome.
Not to wear out sports analogies, but unless there are folks pitching, and folks swinging, there will be no hits. Play ball!
Dude! I so feel your pain. Been there; done that; got the “I’m a lame-ass” T-Shirt. I have no advice to offer, only commiseration. Perhaps some of the other posters’ advice will work for you. Some of it seems sound. Though, I don’t think some of them really understand how world-shatteringly important it feels, at the time. Even though you know, intellectually, that it isn’t, it damn well feels that way.
Okay. Maybe a little advice, but bear in mind that I have a whole drawer full of those “lame-ass” T-Shirts, so it may not be first-rate advice. First, don’t let it go on any longer. She’ll start thinking you’re a creep if you keep darting glances at her without approaching her. Either approach her or give up. Second, you might want to consider a “Hi! I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but didn’t know how.” type of approach, now that she’s seen you around a few times. It may not work if she only likes confident guys, but if that’s the case it sounds like you may be out of luck, anyway.
Good luck, man.
So, how YOU doin’?