To the little bastards who threw eggs at my car this weekend

I don’t know who you are, but I would be willing to bet you are bored teenagers. You have a habit of doing this over the last few years during summer vacation and on Halloween. I bet you feel real clever stealing the eggs your mom bought and throwing them at cars all over the neighborhood. I bet you think you’re rebels.

If I ever catch you guys (they must be guys, as I’ve never known girls to be this immature), I’m going to tie you down to a chair, pull out each your fingernails and toenails one at a time. I’m going to gently rub an ice cube over each of your nipples, making them nice and hard. Then I’ll cut them off with garden shears.

You do not fuck with a man’s car. You’d better hope I never catch you.

They didn’t fuck with a man’s car, they fucked with your car.

The Washington Post just had an article on egging todayAs Enduring Prank, Eggings More Than a Throwback: Teen Cases Continue in Va. and Elsewhere, but Stakes Can Be Higher

Interesting article…

Just be grateful the buggers didn’t pelt your car with guinea hen eggs. Not only do they have a pointy end, but the shells are several times harder than those of chicken eggs. Get your car egged with those little suckers and you’d have chipped paint and maybe some dents.

Once there was a boy who liked to throw things. He started out throwing eggs. Then he threw the big game. Then he threw back a shot of whiskey. Then he threw up. Then he got thrown out of the house. Then he moved into a van down by the river!

[/Chris Farley]

Okay Mockingbird, WTF? Do we have bad blood or something?

That very much sucks, Lord Ashtar. Let us know what happened after the investigations are complete.

Like OW, man!
My nipples are going to have nightmares tonight.


I think that Mockingbird is implying that ‘A mans car’ is a wee bit more intangible than ‘my car’. IOW, they didn’t fuck with the car that belonged to some abstract notion; they fucked with your car. Of course I could be waaaaay off there.

If I ever caught somebody doing that to my car, I would be handing them a cell phone so they could call the police as I stood on their back.

Yeah, you’re probably right, adam. I had just been yelled at at work right before I read his response, so I probably misinterpreted it.

BTW, thanks for pointing that out to me, ETF. I suppose there’s always something worse that can happen.

And Lib, me and a couple of my neighbors filed formal complaints a couple of times over the last few years. Each time we were told that the Fairfax County Police Department had “better things to do” than to try and catch a couple of teenage pranksters. Now I just try to wash it off before the hot July sun fries the eggs on my hood.

Oh well, such is life.

One time some people egged my car and I didn’t even notice till I had driven to the mall…it started raining on the drive back and I didn’t bother cleaning the stuff off of my car. :wink:

Some jerk egged my truck last year and it shattered the clearcoat and the paint.

Not just a “harmless little prank”. As Vincent Vega said, it’d have been worth him doing it if I could catch him in the act.

“Yeah, egging my truck, very funny. Now clean your damn eggs up with your tongue you little ijit.”

No, you gave me a great setup and I just got to give the punchline first.

That and I think the ‘man’s car’ line is ludicrous… as if a man’s car is any more special than a woman’s car. As if it is more of an affront. They’re eggs, not paint solvent or feces.


We used to throw eggs like crazy in High School. Some random, some pre-meditated targets. Mostly nice houses and nice cars. You know, “Fuck you yuppie scum!!!” kind of stuff.

The last time I ever threw an egg, there were 6 of us in a minivan and we bought 5 dozen eggs. We egged people, houses and cars in like 4 different towns. At about midnight we walked into a 7-11 where these cops were standing around drinking coffee.

“You boys been throwing eggs tonight?”

Whoooops. They had about 10 matching descriptions of us and the van. They searched the van and found the empty cartons and some remaining eggs.

“If you damaged anyone’s paint job, you’ll be paying for it.”

We basically all got off scott-free.

I kind of miss throwing eggs, though. They feel so good in your hand and the splat is so f’n satisfying.

I disagree. Come by sometime and you can see the shattered finish in the side of my truck. That came from an egg, while the vehicle was parked in a crowded parking lot. It’s not like I was struck from the opposite lane while zooming down the highway.

Dog crap would have been simpler to deal with, that’d just wash off.

Or better yet that pack of bozos should just stand on their lawn and egg each other. Don’t vandalize my property, numbskulls.

As pointed out by Valgard, eggs can ruin the paint if let sit long enough. That’s why we called the cops on the brats upstairs when we saw eggs being tossed from their balcony onto a neighbor’s SUV.

You need a trunk monkey.

Stupid Videos Click Search. Type in Trunk Monkey, then click Go. Select #2.

Ah, a Trunk Monkey. Excellent idea. Do they have a model with a baseball bat? :smiley:

Bolding mine:

I’m sorry, but this really made me smile.
Yuppie scum…while you were in the uber soccer mom car.