Okay lets’s get something perfectly fucking clear. You are making products for men, outside of the advertising double-speak world commonly known as guys. We don’t want ‘new and exciting’, we don’t want ’ reformulation’, we don’t want ‘enhanced’, ‘revolutionary’, ‘appeasinger packaging’,or ’ more whatever’. That is why our grandfathers used Old Spice until the day they died. That is why our fathers are still wearing one belt and one style of under shirt since 1962. Make a goddamn product, and make it right, and we will be more loyal than a blind, deaf, one legged dog. Don’t throw us a curve ball we only find out about while in the fucking aisle. We’re not women, we’re got gay, and we’re not European. We’re just guys.
Why in the hell has the wasteband and cut of my tighty-whities changed 4 timed in the past 5 years? I made the executive decision to go with that style long ago. I don’t like Butch and Sundance hanging out mid thigh. They prefer a nice snug home, and that’s what I want to give them. Your dumb-ass changes arn’t fooling anyone. Anybody who is in position to see me in my drawers, has already accepted the peril to their sanity. A fancy new blue racing stripe on a blimp doesn’t make it a fucking f-16. My fat has graciously settled in areas so as to minimize the impact of your seems, so changing the cut only creates annoying as hell chafing.
And why do you son of a bitch piss monkeys keep changing my deodorant? Every time I go to get a new stick you have a new package I don’t recognize and assinine and pointless new scents. First of all I don’t want a scent after all. As I said I am a guy. My pits shouldn’t smell like a fucking lilac bush. If someone wants the smell of lilacs, they would get off their ass and plant a damn tree, rather than go nose foraging my pit glands. It’s a functional product, not a decorative one. However all the unscented is always bought up by the first dude’s there so I am stuck with an arm groin perfume decision between autumn meadow, winter meadow, summer meadow, spring meadow, clean sport, exhiliratiing sport, power sport, fresh sport, summer sport, winter sport, autumn sport, spring sport, and X-treme sport. And If by some miracle I happen to pick one that doesn’t make me smell like I had a cheap whore on head lock , it will be immediatly be removed and replaced with ‘Existential Augusta evening with a melancholy phrenologist’ scent. The fucking unscented is always gone, don’t you have data werehouse analyst pointing that out to you that’s what we all really want.
I realize the queer eye show had decent ratings for a while. Yes, 20 guys pretended to give a shit while the cameras were on them, but for Christ sake, none of the rest of us care about improvements in that shit, consistancy and stogerism is the key dammit! We don’t want new colors on our socks, new threads on our shoes, new Madagascarian roots in our aftershave, or new ergonomic shapes of our nose hair whackers. Just make a fucking product that works, and will still be there the next time we go to the store, and we will be yours for life.