Right. That’s it. Every flippin’ time I get a green light at this intersection, I have to wait for Impatient Person to whizz through on a red light. This isn’t excusable. The phasing of the lights is perfectly adequate, so you have ample time to react to a stop signal and then for me to – supposedly – start moving. But every day, I see you and your ilk interpret the amber as a signal to speed up. Well, today is the last straw - the one that caused the spino-dromedarian compound fracture.
I have no alternative but to summon Stomp, the god of Excessively Disproportionate Retribution, and exact a forty-fold curse upon you.
Lo! I have shaken my right fist seven times. And seven further times. I have uttered your name thrice and called out the secret words which only Stomp will hear and understand. And now, as I complete the ceremony with the raised Extended Finger of Outrage, you must suffer this curse in consequence.*
1 May your shoes be uncomfortable.
2 May your hard drive fail and your backups be corrupted.
3 May all your family and work colleagues go behind your back.
4 May your TV go on the blink during crucial scenes.
5 May you develop a hunchback.
6 May the food in your fridge go off within two hours of being put there.
7 May you be suddenly, violently sick when near the end of your ablutions.
8 May you dribble urine during normal business hours.
9 May you lose your keys down a drain.
10 May you catch your tie in the work shredder on a frequent basis.
11 May you develop a persistent skin rash on your forehead which spells ‘twat’.
12 May your neighbor make full use of his legal right to fling poo at your house.
13 May you always receive telemarketing calls from Lithuania (1) ten minutes after you get to sleep
14 May small boys feel compelled to wipe their boogers on you (2).
15 May ‘your’ lottery numbers come up in the week when you forgot to buy a ticket.
16 In a global viral email joke, may your name be forever linked with the act of fellating a pig.
17 May all your future sexual experiences be marred by your extremely premature ejaculation (3).
18 May you develop a severe lisp (4).
19 May customs officers harbor extreme suspicions about you.
20 May you harbor a suspicion that everyone is ripping you off (5).
21 May you accidentally staple your scrotum to a feral cat.
22 May your house be plagued by termites and rats.
23 May you only be eligible for dial-up internet (6).
24 May your left ear shrivel up and turn black, while your right one swells up and turns bright red.
25 May any ATM you use swallow your card.
26 May a notorious child-molester with your exact name and description jump bail and be widely reported as loose in your home town.
27 May Elton John release a catchy tune which includes your name and the phrase ‘Can’t get it up’ in the chorus (7).
28 May you noisily and copiously soil yourself when you get to ‘next in line’ in any queue.
29 May all electrical equipment you purchase break down within a week (8).
30 May you invariably spill food down your shirt, and hot coffee in your lap.
31 May all your investments lose a steady 17%pa (9).
32 May your dog bite you, crap in your shoe, then run away forever (10).
33 May you invariably slip in the shower and sit on a succession of highly amusing and uncomfortable items (11).
34 May any ‘Help Line’ you call only laugh at your misfortune.
35 May you become allergic to beer, chocolate and wood.
36 May your dentist be a sadist (12).
37 May large, aggressive men take everything you say the wrong way.
38 May the government freeze all your assets pending an unspecified ‘investigation’.
39 May wasps see you as an immediate threat.
40 May any car you drive stall on sudden acceleration.
Notes:
1 Unless you speak Lithuanian - in which case, substitute Mesopotamian.
2 Obviously, you’ll be called ‘Mr. Snotty’ for eternity.
3 Generally before getting undressed.
4 And a stammer.
5 They are.
6 With mandatory daily 60Mb software updates.
7 It will go platinum.
8 “No, the warranty covers everything except that.”
9 Minimum.
10 And live happily ever after - unbeknownst to you.
11 To be later televised on ‘World’s worst anal fetishists - exposed!’.
12 Think, ‘Little Shop of Horrors’.
I further call upon those disciples of Stomp who share my outrage to add to these curses! Let Stomp’s godly vengeance extend to all other intolerable red-light-running behavior!
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- muttermumblerevengemumblefuckcustard