To The People I Work With...a series of brief rants

The BBQ Pit
1

**To the night shift boys **

I know how bored you get and I realize my collection of wrestling action figures is so tempting but…when you decide to play When acton figures get some “action”, can you please close my overhead? While I admire your creativity, (the daisy chain was especially sweet) I get in trouble when my boss sees your artwork. BTW, can you please not put Matt and Jeff Hardy together? Thet’re brothers and incest is bad, m’kay?

To the pig who ate all my candy

Let me tell you a little story. hardygrrl is diabetic. Once upon a time, an evil troll cast a spell and her pancreas does not work like yours. hardygrrl needs to have a supply of sugar, just in case. I bet you thought because they sat there, I wasn’t eating them, so I wouldn’t miss a WHOLE dish of hershey’s kisses. Ok, my ability produce insulin may be impaired, but not my sight or my memory. I’d like to poke you with my old, dull hypodermics and then follow up with lancets, ending with shoving a wad of used test strips down your throat.

To whomver goes through my drawers

First off, my cube ain’t Office Depot. Get your own pens, sparky.

Second, STOP USING MY LOTION!!! Yes, I know it’s good. Go to Bath and Body and buy a tube. And don’t use it and deny it as you leave a plumeria scented vapor trail.

Third, for the love of all that’s holy, leave my files alone. I got to spend 45 minutes today piecing back together paperwork for a major project, because someone was looking for a form they could have asked a supervisor for. You see those little tabs on the file folders? One says “forms”. Not ‘froms’, ‘frogs’, or ‘frams’. The file you rooted through like a meth crazed pig in Truffleville said ‘projects pending’. As in not done yet. Thank you for creating yet another delay, I already have a supervisor who does that.

To my supervisor

It’s great that you’e a morning person. I, on the other hand, am not. Could you let me drink at least one cup of coffee before you start yapping at me like a crack poodle? And if you say just one more time “Someone’s got a case of the Mondays”, I will beat you bloody with a VHS copy of Office Space while screaming “assclown.”

And when your office was lined with dixie cups filled with Grape KoolAid when you came back from vacation, so badly you couldn’t even go in? My idea and I have an alibi :slight_smile:

2

“You mean you have names for your dollies, isn’t that cute”. A copy of the relevant part of the policy manual with little pictures of inappropriate action figure arrangements in red crossed circles will probably help the guys, (don’t assume they can read), be sure to make sure the pictures are in colour and displayed prominently.

I have seen a little sign that a friend used to post next to his sweet bowl. "Diabetic sugar, potentially hazardous for non-diabetics!!!” with a cartoon of a person their mouth crammed with sweets being pushed down a flight of stairs.

This is the same supervisor, they are still employed there, drop me an email and I will hatch you a trademarked office politics plan that is more cunning than a badger in heat to remedy that situation.

3

i have an awful confession to make! reading hardygrrls post guilted me into it:

the company i used to work for had a bunch of refridges to stash your food in, but the rule was stuff had to be cleared out by saturday p.m.

i was about the only slob who worked on sunday and i would graze all the goodies in the fridges, picking what i wanted. always a good selection of sodas, unopened candy bars and yogurt etc etc.

the dude whos job it was to go through the fridges saturday night and clean them out always caught the rap for this!!

im such an asshole!

4

This was really funny:

Priceless!

But the rant about people abusing your action figures??? I worked at a call center once,and stuff like that was open season, if you bring toys to work, expect people to play with them.

Looking back I realize that the people with toys decorating their ‘pods’ never got promoted, probably because they looked more immature and flaky than they really were. I would take the toys home, its not very professional.

For the candy, get some really NASTY stuff to put in the dish, hide the goodies! (the cartoon was cute too)

5

Crack poodle – very nice!

I understand exactly how you feel – I’m not a morning person either, and at one job was forced to endure the stale wit of a co-worker who would bounce up to my desk first thing (work started at 7:30, or wayyyyy too early) only to chirp “Gooood Mooorrrrning!!!” at me.

My usual reply was a surly “Shut up and die!”

6

Actually, I’ve been promoted twice in less than two years. My stats rock.

And it’s not the abuse so much as the fact I get in trouble for it. I actually find it amusing.

7

So let’s review. Someone is eating your candy, and using your hand lotion. What to do…

Am I the only one thinking Ex-Lax brownies and some kind of permant ink? Sure, it lacks imagination, but it’s still effective.

No good ideas on the action figures, though.