There are quite a few threads right now that discuss pedophiles. The salient points are being bantered about with great ferver. Every now and then, someone who has been molested as a child will pipe in. I’m not sure how folks take their posts. Especially on a board such as this, where disagreeing is as likely as a sunrise. I guess what I would like to know, is:
1 If you were the one molested, what is your opinion of these debates?
2. How do they make you feel?
3. Can you read them with objectivity?
4. Are you hesitant to join in the discussion?
5. Do you feel your voice is valued?
6. Do you think peoples perspectives would change “if they only knew?”
- What is it like for you, to have lived a Great Debate?
I’ll not ask for people to give something I can’t.
- I think healthy discussion is good, I think awareness is good. It’s nice to hear folks say it isn’t normal for them. I like hearing how protective folks are towards children.
- Invariably, they make me sad. There are so many things about what happened to me that go beyond the sexual abuse. For many folks, being molested wasn’t a one time thing, it occurred over years, even decades.
- I lack any objectivity. I have no sympathy for someone who preys on children. I don’t care if it’s nature/nurture/sickness. Lock 'em up, put them on an island, kill them all.
- Sometimes I don’t comment because of my lack of objectivity. Sometimes I comment precisely because my lack of objectivity.
- I think some folks value the opinion put forth by the abused. Some folks aren’t about fighting ignorance as much as enjoying a debate. It’s not about the points, it’s about pontificating the points.
- Yes, I think perspectives would change if they really knew. If they knew how much it happens. The lasting scars. The pain, the humiliation, the shame.
- Life in a Great Debate: I imagine it’s like having a vietnam vet watch protesters and hear the rhetoric. It’s nice knowing that there are folks out there who have not been touched by this, really it is. I’m glad they won’t know the things that I know. I wish more folks could live like that, but ultimately, the feeling of victim comes back. If I wasn’t walking around to remind folks of the evil, the world would be a better place. I’m the embarassment. I have the nerve to speak of it, to give it a name, to give it a face, to remind the world that it happens.
I’m not a walking billboard, I rarely bring it up, but if it is being discussed, depending on the situation, I may comment.
Nava:
Your post in one of the threads inspired this one.
Oh, the strength to be weaker. I am very familiar with that. I’m 38 and have always been told how “strong I am.” One of my favorite sayings is “that which doesn’t kill you only serves to make you stronger.” But oh, to be afforded the luxury of the weak. Some days, I don’t want to be well adjusted, I don’t want to be a “survivor” (god I hate that term), I don’t want to know the things I can do to take care of myself. I don’t want to know what evil is out there. Just one day, I would love to walk around in the world oblivious.
Hell, I’d love to be able to look at my daughter and have any faith at all that I can protect her. I am terrified of using a babysitter. Even if the babysitter isn’t screwed up, how do I know their brother/husband/child/friend isn’t?
I think one thing that those molested know, is how normal the face of the damned can be. How well liked they can be, how well trusted.
I’ve been called a liar too. It doesn’t make it true. Him never being prosecuted doesn’t make him innocent either.
My father brought home a woman to my brother to “take his cherry.” He loved virgins. He would ask me which of my friends were virgins and to ask them if they wanted him to take their cherry, he would take good care of them. He would show very graphic porn to us. Yes, even those including bestiality. He would give graphic descriptions of his sexual exploits. His favorite phrase was “old enough to bleed, old enough to breed.”
Auntbeast, as far as I am aware (and someone please correct me if I’m wrong), there is no statute of limitations on childhood rape. Why was he not prosecuted?
Lest I sound callous for my omission, I just haven’t got the words to describe how much sympathy I feel for those who have been molested. A girlfriend of mine went through it as a child, and it destroyed her life. Another went through it, and didn’t allow it to ruin her. She testified at her abuser’s trial and had him put away as a dangerous offender (a designation in Canada, sort of a three-strikes-you’re out-thing), meaning he’s in jail for an indefinate period of time, maybe life.
It depends on the State. Georgia is notoriously lax at prosecuting these cases. The concept of innocent until proven guilty doesn’t take into account how difficult it can be to get someone to actually prosecute.
We did try. The state even took my sister away from him. They lost my statement, they never contacted any witnesses, they switched investigators, pretty much did everything you would expect for a case they didn’t want to persue.
1 No problem with them. I read, but I don’t typically participate (actually, I never participate over here), but like Nava said, debate is better than silence.
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They don’t make me relive anything - it actually makes me feel good to know that so many people DO care, and that if something happens to a kid nowadays, it’s likely to get the kid help if they need it.
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I think so - I’m actually too objective sometimes, I think - some of my friends are surprised about my opinion on sex-offender laws, since they think I should be the first one calling for stricter guidelines. I do believe there should be stricter guidelines, but I also have issues with the flying-off-the-handle, lump-every-sex-offender-in-together hysteria that seems to overtake some towns (mine included).
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Not really hesitant, but I don’t participate in GD to begin with.
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When I’ve brought it up on other boards, I feel like it’s valued - but I also think people expect a certain opinion from someone who’s been molested, and my opinion isn’t exactly in line with what they expect.
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Some people’s opinions. I think others just like to hear themselves talk.
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I won’t say it didn’t suck - it had a major effect on my personal life until my mid-twenties, until I finally took my life back and learned how to deal with it (I was given no therapy or discussion about it - we just swept it under the rug, but I don’t think my parents knew how to deal with it). If I could choose for it not to happen, I would (I was seven years old - no seven year old should go through that), but I have to wonder if I would end up the same person now.
Auntbeast, my abuser was my baby-sitters’ son. I totally understand your fear of sitters - it’s why I want to make sure my son is in a licensed daycare center instead of just someone who’s watching him out of her home (I have no choice but to work, so staying home with him won’t be an option). I’m going to take every precaution I can to make sure my son is NEVER in the same position that I was - and I honestly think if something like that ever happens to him, I’ll kill the person with my bare hands.
And you know, your other point - I’m me first, and what happened is an event in my life. It’s a part of me, but it’s a part of me that I have total control over now. That’s what makes me different now than from when I was seven or ten or eighteen or even twenty-two. I didn’t have control over it then. I do now.
E.
1. If you were the one molested, what is your opinion of these debates?
My mind sees that these debates are essentially the same as others, in that most contributors have strong feelings and opinions often based on their imaginations. It is sometimes difficult to let people spout off about things they don’t understand very well, but that’s true of most debate topics.
2. How do they make you feel?
I feel the vibration in my body that this particular topic generates. The debates make me feel a little bit helpless - I would love to think I could say something that would help people approach the subject a bit more openly and less reactively. But I really don’t believe I can.
3. Can you read them with objectivity?
Of course not. But neither can jurors listen to a trial objectively. I just do my best.
4. Are you hesitant to join in the discussion?
See answer to 2.
5. Do you feel your voice is valued?
Valued, certainly. Effective, not so much.
6. Do you think peoples perspectives would change "if they only knew?"
Not in my experience. People want crisp answers, and in my view the appropriate perspective on this topic is that nothing is crisp. I think there are a few people in my life who have loosened their deathgrip on the fear that this topic inspires, but they were very exceptional. Even among professional therapists.
7. What is it like for you, to have lived a Great Debate?
Oh fantastic, thanks.
I’m male. My father died when I was 3. When I was 14 one of my male teachers “took me under his wing.” I had a relationship with him that lasted over 10 years. Kind of blurs the lines of “molestation” for some people, including me.
But it is pretty intense for me now that I have two children, ages 14 and 15, a girl and a boy. With teachers that pay a lot of attention to them.