Today Had The Best. Headlines. Ever.

I don’t wish harm to anyone, but today had some of the best headlines that I’ve seen for awhile. Some random headlines that popped up today, from Yahoo:

Ted Nugent Injured In Chainsaw Accident.
Kodak To Stop Selling Film Cameras.
Keiko Whale Corpse Could Be Toxic.
Harold Shipman (serial killer with assumed 200+ victims) Commits Suicide.

And my wife’s and my favorite:

Spalding Grey Missing.

I don’t know why, but my wife and I think that the fact that Spalding Grey is missing is hilarious. We know that he is a mentally troubled person, but just the mental picture of Spalding Grey wandering the streets and roads aimlessly…well, somehow the picture makes sense. Maybe it is performance art. We started telling normal jokes, and then give the punchline as, “Spalding Grey is missing.”

“Why did the the chicken cross the road?”
“Because Spalding Grey is missing.”

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Not Spalding Grey.”

“How many Spalding Greys does it take to replace a lightbulb?”
“I don’t know. I’ll ask him when I see him.”

And, oh yeah:

Billy The Kid To Be Exhumed.

19 Killed.

Not a headline but I drove by a 99 cents store that had a sign posted in its window saying “Clearance Sale - All Items 75 Cents”.

New York’s first day of zero-tolerance on school violence met with 17 arrests, five separate incidents and four hospitalizations

Woman arrested after dialing wrong number to buy crack

ACLU comes to Limbaugh’s defense.

Okay, the first two were headlines, but…

Many New York Yankee fans are up in arms over Roger Clemens’ signing with the Houston Astros after “retiring” at the end of last season. So, what was yesterday’s New York Post headline on their back page?

What An Asstro!


Now THAT made me laugh out loud.

I remember a big ad campaign in LA from the local NBC affiliate: “News At 11” and “News At 11” was on every bus stop bench and billboard. One day I drove by the local porno theater and, there on the marquee was “Nudes At 11”.

Mwahaha. That same day, the Houston Chronicle had a large front page spread on it, with the headline Astros Add Rocket Fuel

The Sports pages also began with the top story It’s a Home Run

Houston isn’t as clever as you sophisticated New Yorkers types.

Who is Spalding Grey?


I don’t know who Spalding Grey is, but Spalding Gray is a beloved monologist and author who is suffering from extreme depression and has made some suicidal gestures recently.

I have a pretty dark sense of humour, but I’m really appalled that anyone is giggling over news of his disappearance. What the hell?

That’s, um, monstrous.

Larry Mudd, I don’t think it’s monstrous. From what I know of Spalding Gray, (not much) he didn’t hesitate to paint himself with his dark-humor brush. Assuming he shows up alive, he’ll probably joke about his disappearance.

I believe Gray, like me, is one of God’s pranks. It would be heresy not to laugh.

“USDA Approves Smaller Cheese Holes”

I saw this one three years ago, and still laugh when I think about it…

Convicted child molester found dead in prison; victim says he was strangled

Just last night I was driving home on the alternative radio and heard puddle of mudd’s Addicted song with the lines “I’m addic…addicted to you” Of course at Midnight it sounded more like I’m A DICK addicted to you. Hilarityt ensued.

The best headline I’ve ever seen was in The Onion. It read:

God Grants John Ritter’s Wish to Meet Johnny Cash

With all due respect to both men (I’m a HUGE Johnny Cash fan), that was one brilliant headline.

  • Adam

It’s funny because I don’t know him.