So, my assistant, Sandra, has been working at home since she injured herself whilst attempting to do an interpretive dance off of a curb in front of her house. She’s been using an old Dell laptop that used to belong to my boss. Recently, a part fell off the adapter or some such shit, making the laptop unusable. Now, Dell makes you ship the whole computer back to them if there’s something wrong, right? Well, luckily we didn’t have to do THAT, but we DID have to order the accessory directly from Dell. This is where it all began…
Is everybody comfortable? Perhaps you would like a cool beverage. Good? Okay, then.
So, on August 29, I placed a phone order with Dell for the part and everything seemed cool. I chose the 2nd day delivery option, costing me about $15. So, I should’ve gotten the part Sept. 3. Actually, I had it shipped directly to Sandra’s house, so SHE should’ve gotten it Sept. 3. I call her that day, no part. Call her again that Friday, no part. I wait until the FOLLOWING Friday, Sept. 12, to call Dell, because she STILL hasn’t received the part.
Turns out, they never shipped it. Yeah, you heard me. They “forgot.” I swear, I am not lying to you fine people. I guess they were smoking a little too much ganja back in the wherehouse or something.
At this point, I wouldn’t have minded if they had shared some of the happy with me, I could’ve used a little mellowing out. Of course it takes me 3 separate calls and about 2 hours total on the phone with customer service to get this little tidbit. So, Tom (my helpful customer service rep) says they’re going to do an exchange, in order to keep things on their systems legit. I tell them that’s fine and suggest that he goes ahead and takes off the shipping charge while he’s at it. Toms an agreeable guy, so he does it.
Tom also says they’re going to ship it out THAT DAY, overnight air. we should get the part Monday or Tuesday. Yay, says I.
Apparently, my little celebration was a bit premature.
So I call Sandra today to make sure she received the part. Guess what? NO FUCKING PART! That’s right. No part. Curious as to who’s been smokin’ the ganja this time, I get myself into a nice Zen state before calling them, AGAIN.
After being on hold for like, 20 minutes, I finally get to talk to a customer service rep who informs me the exchange has JUST gone through and the part will be shipped NEXT FRIDAY.
The hell? I don’t fucking THINK so.
So I tell him that’s unacceptable. He agrees. I ask him what he’s gonna do. He said he can’t do anything. I ask him why the hell not. He says because he just can’t. I tell him I want to speak to someone who can. He says there’s no one. I ask to speak to a manager. I’m put on hold for approximately 45 minutes and get hung up on.
Oh, but I’m not DONE yet.
So I call back and get Todd The Neurotic. I think perhaps Todd was neglected as a child. Maybe an evil clown beat him up at his 5th birthday party and all the other kids laughed at him. Maybe he asked the hottest girl in school to the prom and she laughed in his face. Whatever happened to Todd The Neurotic growing up, he’s got some serious issues now.
You understand that if the part gets shipped NEXT FRIDAY, it would’ve taken over a month to receive a part they had IN STOCK, delivered via 2nd day air?
You do? Good. Just making sure you realize the full ridiculousness of the situation. Are you sure you don’t want that cold beverage now? Even if I make it an alcoholic?
So anyway, back to Todd.
I explain the situation to Todd, who at first seems very accommodating. You see, Todd doesn’t bust out with the crazy until later. Actually, I think I’ll just transcribe the converstation:
Todd the Nuerotic (TNN):They can’t do anything.
Yeah, I know. We’ve heard that before.
L: I find it hard to believe that in a huge company such as Dell, there’s not a single person who could do anything to expedite an order that is taking a ridiculously long amount of time to ship due to THEIR error.
TNN:exchange orders take longer to process. It takes a couple of weeks.
L:*Then why did the other guy tell me I’d have the part by Tuesday or Wed of this week?
TNN:Who’d you talk to?
L: Tom, there must be two Tom’s there…
You see, I committed a grevious error by thinking Todd’s name was Tom.
TNN: My name is TODD! It’s not TOM, it’s TODD!
L:I’m sorry, Todd! It was an honest mistake!
TNN:That’s okay. Tom works at another call center.
L:What the hell has to do with anything?
TNN: Nothing.
L:So why’d you mention it, then?
TNN:I don’t know.
L:Ooookay. Who can speak to who can actually DO something? I appreciate your niceness and everything, but I want to get this resolved, tonight.
See? It’s not like I was being a bitch. I’m actually really nice to customer service reps. I’ve worked in the industry, I know it can suck. Sorry, I just had to mention that.
TNN:There’s NO ONE! You don’t BELIEVE ME, do you?
L:No comment. There’s really no one in the entire Dell company who could help expedite my order?
See, this is where Todd full on busts out with the crazy. I really suggest getting a beer or something before you continue, if you’re still reading at all. You’ll need it.
TTN: I said there isn’t, I know you think I’m lying…There isn’t anyone who can help you. NO ONE.
L mumble: I see, you’re all just parts of one big, inhuman Dell machine, right?
TTN: We’re NOT a machine, Miss Lezlers! We’re NOT!
Wowza. Guess I hit a button.
L: *Okay! You’re not a machine! *
Not bitchily of course, because I’m just a little scared at this point.
TTN: We’re NOT MACHINES!!!
L: Okay, you’re not machines. Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Can you please lower your voice?
TNN: I’m sorry for YELLING! I don’t mean to be YELLING AT YOU!
L: You DO know this call is being recorded, right?
TNN: Yes. What would you like me to do, Miss Lezlers?
L: Could you tell me who at corporate headquarters I should address a letter of complaint to?
TNN: The Customer Care Director.
L: Do you know the name of the Customer Care Director?
TNN: No.
Okay, this is when it goes from frustrating, to downright funny. I start laughing a little. That was a mistake. Todd the Neurotic doesn’t think it’s very funny, at ALL.
TNN: What, you don’t BELIEVE ME?!
L: Of course I believe you. Is the name posted anywhere?
TNN:* No*
L: Would a manager know?
TNN: NO, a manager, WOULDN’T know
I start giggling a little again. I think I’m a little crazy now, too. Maybe Todd’s transferring some of his crazy through the phone line.
Todd HATES being laughed at.
TNN: I KNOW you don’t BELIEVE ME! I know you think I’m LYING, but I’m NOT! It’s the TRUTH!!
Whookay.
L:You don’t think it’s just a bit odd that not a soul in the CUSTOMER CARE CENTER would know the name of the DIRECTOR OF CUSTOMER CARE?
TNN: You think I’m LYING! I’m not LYING to you Miss Lezlers! I know you THINK I am, but I’m NOT! Look, I know you’re unhappy.
L: * Ya think?*
I think Todd realized the error of his ways about then because he goes off on yet another tangent, this one freakily apologetic.
TNN:"I know you’re unhappy Miss. Lezlers, we like to give our customers the best experience ever. I’m sorry for yelling. I know you don’t like me. I’m really sorry for yelling at you, you don’t like me, do you?
Apparently, Todd is in full meltdown mode at this point.
I, however, am becoming more and more amused. That, or I’m completely losing my ever loving MIND. I’m kinda glad Todd was a whackjob because it made the whole situation a little easier to take, what, with the comedy value and everything.
L: I you just fine, Todd. I hate, DELL, not you. I’m sure you’re a great guy and if you’d just give me the name of your manager…
Ruh Roh!
TNN: You think I’m LYING!!
Oh, sweet jesus. Here we go again.
L:Uh huh!
TNN: I see we took off the shipping charge
Well, there’s a gear change. I decided it’d be best to just go with it. At least he’s not screaming at me anymore.
L:well, of course you did. How much would YOU pay for month’s long shipping? Of course, I think the whole ORDER is what SHOULD be free.
TNN: I can do that! Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t you like that, Miss. Lezlers?
The situation is getting just a LITTLE bizarre at this point. I think the Dell Overloards just detected the meltdown and put a little mind altering serum in his IV, because I kid you not, his whole voice changed.
L: Yes, I WOULD like that.
TNN: ok!
THEN he asks…wait for it……
TNN:And I’m going to see what I can do to get this order expedited.
Huh? What the FUCK?
L:I thought nobody in the entire Dell Corporation had that awesome power?
TNN: Well, I’m gonna ask someone. Hold on.……no, I really CAN’T do that.
Grrr.
TNN: And I can’t take off the whole charge for the part either.
At this point I’m barely able to get in a few “uh huhs” in between my manic giggles. I’ve gone completely insane.
TNN: Do you want to be in touch with a “special case manager”? They might be able to help you
L: Considering I’ve been asking to speak with someone who could HELP me since we’ve been TALKING, yeah. I’d LOVE to speak with a “special case manager”, Todd. That would be SWELL. (insert manic giggle)
Todd’s downright giddy at this point. It must be my crazy giggling. Maybe he thinks I’m flirting. Perhaps I’m inadvertently speaking some secret crazy language.
TNN:Sure! Let’s set it up! But they can’t do anything.
I tell him to set it up anyway. So, I’m scheduled to talk to a “special case manager” on Tuesday. Hopefully they’ll be able to do something. But I think I’m going to miss talking to Todd the Neurotic. He can sure deliver the crazy. Hopefully, not literally. One can only hope he’s not he’s on a Greyhound Bus, clutching a dirty satchel to his skinny, sweaty chest, waiting to SHOW me he’s not a liar!
