Tom Swifties, Doper style! (new old game)

I’m hoping I’m not the only Doper who remembers “Tom Swifties.” They’re those little “excruciating adverbial puns” as one website I was poking around on said. Some examples:

The game I propose is that we make Tom Swifties out of thread titles, in the hopes that general hilarity will ensue. Be sure to include the OPer’s name as “Tom.”

I’ll start, from the Pit (which is what gave me the idea). “Listen closely, people: parallel lines NEVER intersect!” ultrafilter said crossly.

Go nuts.

In MPSIMS: “Gimme the dirt on Ayn Rand,” smiling bandit said objectively.

Haj

MPSIMS:

“Is There A Banana Eating Controversey?” Tretiak wondered, fruitfully.

“I’m naked on the Internet today!” yellow peril exclaimed, flashily.

“I just went skydiving!” A wizard song for thee said airily.

“Some storm in NYC tonight, eh?” LolaCocaCola said coldly.

“Half-naked passed-out women in bars!” kittenblue announced lustily.

“I went to a foam party!” matt_mcl bubbled.

“What to do About a Bad Landlord?” meyer asked proprietarily.

“The Fireflies Light Up NYC!” RTFirefly said brightly.

Lord, I could do this all night, but I’ll stop now.

“Thunder? Earthquake? Plane Crash? I just woke up!” d12 roared.

In GQ:

“Is my computer headed for the graveyard?” asked BobT, with deathly seriousness.

"Why do paper cuts hurt soooo bad? " Soccaplaya asked painfully.

From GD:

“Manners: Who needs them?” BlackKnight interrupted and asked loudly.

“A-Bomb, what was it good for?” Jimmyx asks explosively.

In the Cafe:

“First Knight was a piece of SHIT!!!” El Elvis Rojo exclaimed, less than chivalrously.

And finally, Superdude noodles the question, “How can I thicken up store-bought spaghetti sauce?”
Gee, this can be pretty fun once you get rolling…