Tomorrow may mark the end of my marriage.

The BBQ Pit
41

God damn it, the more I think about this the more it pisses me off. Feel free to print this out and show Johnny Jackass. It’s a little late now but it’s something I could send to my biological father.

Hi <name> (I don’t feel comfortable calling you ‘Dad’)

Well, it’s been 25 years since you left Mom and me for that woman. I hear you’re now on your third marraige and that you’ve had more kids with wife #3. It’s weird to have half-sibblings I’ll probably never meet. Anyway, it’s kind of funny the way things work out. Mom remarried when I was 4 to a great man, a man who would take a single mom and her snotty little boy as his own. I respected him so much I took his name when I was 18, since legally I couldn’t do it without your consent until then. (Why you ran out but wanted me to keep your name is beyond me.) I owe everything to my Real Dad. You are, at best, a foggy memory, like an uncle I vaguely remember taking me to arcades and theme parks. My Real Dad raised me properly, taught me how to be a man who lives up to his responsibilities and honors his family. I pray that since you’ve started your latest family you’ve finally grown up, but I doubt it. You’ll probably run out on them too, leaving another single mom and her kids to fend for themselves. I only hope they can find someone like my Real Dad and that you’ll finally stop doing this to people. It worked out great for me but each new family you leave might not be so lucky. I hope you find what you’re looking for someday.

-Bruce

42

Nothing to add, except that kicking his ass would probably be worth being on COPS for.

43

You are not this first to suggest this. I had a good friend tell me, " You know, I know people." (wink wink nudge nidge) I was never so touched to have someone offering to commit a crime for me.

44

From me, no advice–everyone’s said it much better than I ever could–but many, many hugs and loads of good wishes.

45

He needs to think about it?!?!?

Do not, under any circumstances, consider reconciliation with him. If he has to think about where his loyalties lie after everything you’ve been through, he is not worth the pain he would keep bringing to your marriage if you were to reconcile. As painful as it is right now, you will only bring yourself more trouble and torment if you let him come back to you. You deserve better. Do not let your resolve waver. Be strong, for your own sake.

This is no one-night stand, and TellMeI’mNotCrazy is right. If you were to take him back, she would be a permanent part of your life. You don’t need that. Your child doesn’t need that.

Hang in there. This is going to suck for a long time, no matter what. But eventually, life will get better again.

46

Well, I’m gonna say something different than all the rest.

You need to decide what YOU’D like to do, and to hell what other people think. Would you like to repair your marriage? Do you think you can forgive your husband and even love him again? If so, tell him that. If he makes the same decision, then you can move forward with your marriage. If he doesn’t then you’ll be forced to get a divorce, but at least you tried for what YOU wanted.

Give him a time limit - tell him you need an answer from him within a couple weeks. You absolutely can’t let this go on forever.

From what you’ve said of your husband, I don’t see this situation as being unreconcilable. Some people are serial cheaters. If your husband was one of them, I’d be much more pessimistic about reconciliation. Some people simply make a bad, bad mistake and cheat on their spouses. I’ve seen marriages recover from these situations to be stronger than ever.

The fact that your husband had decided to stay with you and had broken it off with the other woman before he knew she was pregnant was encouraging. I’m appalled at all the people who are lambasting him for having a hard time deciding what to do now that she’s pregnant - would it be better for him to be the kind of guy who simply walked away from a baby he helped create?!? Really, I’d have a much harder time with him had he just told the woman “Hey, that’s your problem.”

This is a horrible situation for all people involved. You have no clue what he told the other woman - most cheaters lie, at least initially, telling the other person that they’re not married, or their marriage is on the rocks, or some other sob story to generate sympathy. Chances are this woman is not thrilled that she’s pregnant with a married man’s child. Conversely, your husband made a HUGE mistake and is now having to deal with the very real consequences of his actions. You don’t say that he was a cad before his affair came to light, so I’m assuming he’s a decent person who screwed up badly. If he wants to, he can recover, and so can your marriage.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck with it. Don’t allow people to simplify the situation and brush things under the table - there’s no need to give up a marriage because of a mistake if you both want to reconcile and go forward. On the other hand, nobody would blame you if you decided to walk away. Try to stay sane, and put aside your anger and make the right decision for the long run.

47

I skimmed over the thread again, and I didn’t see anyone saying the husband had no responsibilities to his alleged baby-on-the-way. Maybe I missed something.

He said he was going to try to work things out, and suddenly being told that he’s going to be a father again shouldn’t automatically derail that when it’d apparently been working out. Regardless of which woman he ends up with - or neither of them - he’s going to have to support both kids. So why should he drop trying to work this out with his wife all of a sudden? What does that have to do with his relationship with his wife?

48

My uncle, an ethnic Italian in the construction business (to play on stereotypes - but just because they are stereotypes doesn’t mean they are completely wrong) told me the same thing. I believed him, but didn’t ask to have any legs broken.

49

Ugh. Hubby sounds like a pathalogical asshole.

Talk to your lawyer. Your goal needs to be to disrupt your life and your little one’s life as little as possible and that means $$. I would proceed with a divorce and make every effort to take him for all he’s worth. Child support, Alamony, future income. 401K’s, pension plans, etc. etc.

Cold? Yes. Nasty? Yes. Appropriate? Yes. Let him and the other woman worry about taking care of their bastard offspring and you and your kidlett can get on with your lives.

50

I am awestruck by the challenge that you would face of raising a child alone. The Other Woman is just throwing one last monkey wrench in the works. He claim may or may not be true.

Would you rather you child or hers is raised with no father?

The guy is a jerk, OK that is a given. What is the best you can do now that life has thrown you (and your child) a curve-ball? I say let him back in and have his tubes tied.

51

I think that, in some states, you can sue a home-wrecker. Might be worth at least an inquiry. I’m sorry you’re going through all this.

52

Helen, it’s obvious you’re trying really hard at the marriage, and I really commend you on that. Unfortunately, if your husband isn’t trying so hard (and obviously he isn’t), then I think that despite your best efforts, you won’t get far in fixing your marriage. Note that I’m only twenty-two and have never been married, so the most valuable advice comes from others in this thread who have been in your position and not me.

Anyway, let me add my voice to the Doper support group. I’m sure that whatever you decide, the people here will help you get through it, and as tough as things get for you, we’ll make sure you’ll be okay. Good luck.

53

Hold on: the question is, would you rather your own kid be raised by a crappy father who might bug out at any time, or not have a father in the short-term with the possibility of a great father coming down the pike at any time?

I know that when I was a kid, my parents’ divorce was very difficult in the short term, but it was absolutely for the best in the long term.

My thoughts go out to you, Helen; it’s terrible what you’re having to go through.

Daniel

54

And just to further that idea.

Being the single mom of any child - but especially a small child - SUCKS! But a three year old is pretty resiliant - they don’t have a lot of outside clues and by the time they figure out exactly what Daddy did, the immediate hurt will be dulled.

If she waits and he pulls the same crap when the kid is 13 - particularly if he pulls it because the kid is 13 and being a little bit of a troublemaker - that might be enough to push the kid over into really destructive behavior.

There is a fairly good chance that by the time the kid is a teenager, there may be another father around - with luck - and open eyes on Helen’s part - one that is more stable and a better parent.

55

Kick the dude to the curb and make sure he stays kicked. Having a sleazeball father is worse than no father at all.

56

This is why things are so confusing. Until the day this happened, I thought I was one of the luckiest people on the earth. I had a loving marriage to a stand-up kinda guy , the most wonderful child ever created (of course), a beautiful home, and nothing but a future of more happiness to come. To say this whole thing came out of nowhere is like saying you’re surprised to find out Ann Coulter cries watching Lifetime movies. It’s a mild understatement. I still have friends who think this is some kind of sick joke or exaggeration.

I just want to hear what he has to say tomorrow. After all this, if he “chooses” (insert vomit smilie) me, can I believe it will get better and things will change back to something at least resembling normal?

57

HelenTroy, nothing to add, really other than do what you think is best, and stick by your guns. God bless you and your little one.

58

I just realized I painted a picture of my marriage straight out of a “Love is…” comic strip. My deepest apologies for that crappy image.

59

Well, you certainly can think that things will change, but that doesn’t mean you will. Even if you do, is self-delusion something you aspire to, or aspire to teach your young child?

I’m not telling you to leave the bastard-only you know what is right for you and baby. However, if he truly needs time to think about who to choose, he’s not worthy of your forgiveness or love. It will be hard, but I implore you to follow through with your family law action if you feel that things will not “be the same” after this episode, because it rarely is.

In my line of work I see this quite often, and it never works out quite like we want it to.

Sam

60

Helen, I’ve no cause to give advice, since I’ve never been in this situation. I would suggest that if you decide it’s worth trying to make it work, you put yourself in the driver’s seat. Such as:

  1. Give him a time limit in which to decide whether he’s willing to do the humiliating and awful and tremendously hard work necessary to restore the relationship. Sounds like you’ve done that, although I’d suggest a shorter time period: consider calling him and saying, “Look, I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to be going down to my lawyer’s office in half an hour to file divorce papers. If you don’t want me to do this, you’ll call me back before then to tell me that you’re leaving her permanently and that you’re a part of this family.” No point in prolonging the agony. He doesn’t have anything he needs to think about: he just needs to make his decision.
  2. If he decides he is, let him know that you’re going to set down non-negotiable parameters that he’ll either accept or not; if he doesn’t accept them, then y’all are going to be dealing through lawyers. These parameters may include things like not dealing with the Other Woman except through mail, and that you get to read all the mail, and that the correspondence will be strictly limited to figuring out how to provide for the hypothetical child.
  3. Make marriage counseling one of the non-negotiable parameters.

Sure, he’s tormented right now: his heart loves two people, and it’s not allowed to. If you want to try to make it work, I’d suggest that you need to do the emotional equivalent of slapping him hard across the face. Make him realize that dithering is not an option, and that he’ll either stop dithering right now or else you’ll take the dithering opportunity away from him.

Daniel