Tomorrow may mark the end of my marriage.

The BBQ Pit
61

It’s not his decision to make. Honey, you’re acting like a doormat, hanging around to see if he will deign to honor you with his presence.

You will never be able to trust him again. He let his tiny, shriveled little head do his thinking, and now he has to pay the piper. Unfortunately, so do you.

You need a friend to will be your wall. This friend will stop you from calling him or going to see him or e-mailing him. She will remind you of the pain and anger when you start feeling all nostalgic for the “good times.” You’re not thinking clearly.

From now on, every contact with him will be through your lawyer. And for God’s sake, no overnight visits for the little one as long as Slut Woman is staying there.

Per Dr. Laura, this is one of the unforgivable A’s (the others are Abuse and Addiction.) He did what he wanted. Now he has to accept the consequences. And you need to protect yourself and your little one from his lying, cheating, scheming self.

Good luck.

62

No, darlin’, I don’t see either of those things happening either. And even if he did tell her you were where his loyalty lies, I wouldn’t believe him. Not if he was holding a rosary in one hand, a stack of Bibles in the other, and standing under a picture of Billy Graham shaking hands with the Pope. It’s not that I think he’d be deliberately lying, exactly, more that his loyalties don’t seem very fixed. He seems to change directions more than a fucking weathervane.

I gotta say, you’ve already tried a lot more than I would be willing to. At the words “one night stand” his ass would have been out the door for good. I don’t think I could forgive any sort of fidelity, but I think the one-night stand variety would be worse. Being willing to risk your marriage over something that’s not even important to you pretty much says the marriage isn’t particularly important to you either. It’s the ultimate slap in the face, imo. I wouldn’t be willing to even think about trying to move past it and continue the relationship. You’re obviously a far kinder, more forgiving person than I am, and I applaud you for that.

And, hon, I don’t think it’s a matter of whether or not you can believe things will get better or more normal. It’s a matter of whether or not you want what that normal will be. That is, do you want this other woman to be part of your life forever and always? If your husband has indeed fathered a child with her and you take him back, she will be, you know, because parenthood is forever. Even when this putative child is 40, she’ll still be part of his (and thus your) life because she’ll still be the mother of his child. Do you want the uncertainty of wondering if he’s going to decide this other kid needs him more and take off on the two of you? If he’s thinking this hard about the other kid needing him more now, it will always be a possibility. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he’s really working late or stuck in traffic, or if he’s cheating on you again? The possibility will always live in the back of your mind, even if you don’t acknowledge it.

Think long and hard if that’s the life you want for yourself. Think even longer and harder if that’s the sort of life you want your daughter to live when she grows up. We tend to repeat the patterns we learned when we were children, you know. If this isn’t the life you want for yourself or your daughter, it doesn’t matter what he says tomorrow, because there’s only one thing for you to do.

63

Helen, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

All I can say is this: I’m absolutely flabbergasted that he’d even consider that he owes more to this “one night stand” and her child than he does to the wife and child he already has. What is to think about here? Nothing! Provide for the child–that’s all he’s required to do for her!

64

When my ex decided (pretty much out of the blue) that everyone would be better off if we’d split, I tried to move heaven and earth to reconcile, even though she did some pretty vile stuff. We ultimately did try to, but at the start of the second counseling session, she declared that she had changed her mind again - and wanted to continue the divorce.

That may well have been the best thing to ever happen to me.

See, as a decent parent, you will likely do most anything to put your kids’ needs ahead of yours, even to points that in retrospect are downright stupid.

As a normal human being, you’re likely afraid of change, and will do things to avoid having to face an unknown future and having to give up things you know, even if you know they’re not ok.

Both those can be imperfect counsel when making decisions like this.

The new house is not terribly important. Even the finances will ultimately shake out however they will - good or bad - but should not factor in your decision(s)

If divorce is the outcome, make sure you give your co-parent all the opportunity to be involved with your child. You can’t make them take the opportunity, but you should provide it.

And, even though I don’t know you from apple pie, you seem like an awesome lady - and I know it will work out most excellently well for you. And for that little voice on all of our left shoulders : remember, the best revenge is living well…

65

My ex left me right before I found out that I was pregnant. 2 months before to be exact. I spent the entire pregnancy alone and the first 2 years of my sons life were spent in a 2 bedroom apartment with no daddy around. I met my now husband when my boy was 14 months old and he is now daddy to my son. He’s the only father he’s really known and for that I am EXTREMELY glad. The Doner that gave me my son has had absolutely nothing to do with his child and it’s for the best. It was hard for a while but we made it and so can you. You are a strong woman with a sweet little girl to take care of. Do what you have to do for her. You will survive and be even stronger after this is all said and done.

66

This is a horrible predicament to be in and I wish I had some magic words that would make it all better for you.

I can’t tell you that you should leave, because people only leave when they’re ready.

I can tell you that if you decide to reconcile with this man, your life will be much harder than you can probably imagine right now.

Everytime he stops by the bar, goes out with the guys, doesn’t call if he’s at work late, or answers the phone from downstairs and doesn’t immediately tell you who called, you will feel shattered all over again.

When you say that you can forgive someone and move past it, I don’t think that most people realize how huge of a sacrifice that truly is.

You must quite literally trust this person to carry on with their life and be loyal to you with nothing to go by except for their word (which they’ve already broken).

If you do not trust them and take them back anyway, it is but a slow death of the relationship.

“Where were you?” “Who were you with?” Rummaging through pants pockets for telephone numbers and *69ing your phone twice a day.

Alternately, you can insist that he go nowhere, do nothing, and have a cell phone attached to his hip at all times, but I would imagine that this would drive you both insane and would just lead to a complete desertion of the relationship on both ends.

He has placed you in an unfair position and no matter how much you love him and how wonderful he may be, he cannot take this back.

I wish you all of the strength in the world, but please consider what you will need to change in yourself in order to maintain a tainted relationship.

I’d also like to chime in as another single mom (divorced when my son was 2) and my now 10 yr old son loves his father, his soon to be step-father and myself more than I ever would’ve imagined.

I am also the child of divorce and I have always known that both parents love me more than anything, but just didn’t work out as a marriage.

Regardless of your decision, your child will grow up with love and will be okay. =)

67

I would just like to thank everyone for the kind words posted in this thread. I never expected such an outpouring of warmth for a person who posts as regularly as a politician to remain nameless apologizes. It is very heartening that there is such a belief in better times to come if I just move on with my life. I will give him a chance to speak his peace tomorrow night, but I am beginning to realized that the final choice is really mine. If he chooses her, I can then hold him to that and not let him jerk me around anymore, and if he chooses me, I can still say, “No more, huh uh, too late.” I was never one to enjoy a feeling of powerlessness, and that has been the prevailing sentament in my head for too long.

Og, I’m long-winded.

68

You’ve already demonstrated that you are resourceful and levelheaded by the way you’ve dealt with this situation. The fact that you have a lawyer and have gotten paperwork underway speaks volumes for your ability to move on and take care of yourself and your daughter. You have a lot of power and you’ve been using it wisely.

69

Not to sound obnoxious (although I probably will) but this advice which is being dished out will most probably be ignored. People I’ve encountered listen but never do what you’ve advised them to do in their best interest.

All I can say is, when it gets worse, never get into that position again.

70

Helen,

If you can stand some more advice–

No matter what he says tomorrow night, don’t commit to anything. He is not choosing you. You are deciding if you will allow him back in your life. He is not in control. You are in control. To echo the advice of Ivylass, if you could have a friend there with you it might not be a bad idea. If he says it is a personal matter, well, he forfeited the right to privacy when broke his vows and decided to let some other woman into his life in a place that should be reserved for only you. Stay Strong.
TRT

71

“I’m too ashamed to be with you anymore” is a bullshit line.

Movng in with the homewrecker because “I have to see it through” is a bullshit line.

Notice how he always makes himself into a martyr? How he makes it seems like things are happening to him rather than that he is just making selfish, stupid choices?

It sounds like your husband is a passive-agreesive, manipulative, selfish asshole. You wants you as his backup system. This crap about making you wait while he decides is really classless, self-absorbed crap.

And remeber this- even if he chooses you (lucky you…not) this other woman is still going to be a permanent fixture in both your lives and so is his other child.

This is a no brainer. He fucked up. He needs to go. You don’t need a husband with two households.

72

Word. As far as I’m concerned he tore up his Daddy card the moment he disrespected your daughter’s mother by sleeping with the Other Woman.

I’m so glad you are willing to stand up for yourself- your daughter is lucky to have at least one good role model in her life. And if your husband intends stay in your daughter’s life, I would suggest that you get your father, brother, or some other reliable male figure involved in her life ASAP, just to show her that good men actually do exist.

Men who treat women with respect, and have control of their genitals.

73

Definitely. In fact, I’d guess that she wasn’t a one-night stand, but an on-going girlfriend.

Classless, but classic “man” behavior. I know not a few men in my life(uncles mainly), who have pulled the same crap.
Sam

74

You did your part. He decided he’d rather get laid. He may still have the ability to be a good dad (hey, you never know), but he sucks as a husband.

And I’m reeling from the gall this guy has to leave you hanging while he “chooses” between the two of you.

Make the choice* for * him and get out. Hopefully you’re in a state that has divorce laws that frown on the cheating party. Clean his clock, girl. Clothes on the lawn. No looking back.

You are eventually going to need to forgive this guy, not for his benefit but for yours. But forgiveness does not mean forgetting everything that’s happened and taking him back. You tried. HE failed, not you.

75

I agree 100% with Dio. The line that he was “too ashamed” of himself and therefore wanted a divorce is horseshit. I’d be willing to bet large U.S. dollars that your husband had been seeing this woman for months before he decided that he was in love with her and was willing to give up his family. His cliched “You’re too good for me and I’m breaking up to spare YOU.” is a cop-out. Oh, my heart bleeeeeds for him.

After a honeymoon period with the other woman, he undoubtedly realized that the grass wasn’t greener so lo and behold, he came back home.

Whether this woman is truly pregnant or not is a bit irrelevant. Because he has shown his TRUE colors. And while it may be less painful in the short run to make excuses for him, in the long run it’s much less painful to confront the truth now. He didn’t leave you because he was so ashamed of himself. He left you, and your 3-year old daughter, because he fell in love with another woman. He knew that you could file for a divorce at any time, yet he took that chance. He knew that he was giving up his daughter, yet he took that chance. What else do you need to know about him?

Do yourself a favor and quit romanticizing his character. His loyalty is with himself and no one else.

76

Hehe… isn’t that nice in a way, though?

“You’d slash his tires - for me?” :smiley:

I have zero advice, and I suspect anything I could’ve conjured up has been said, but my sympathy goes out to you. Good luck, and I really hope everything works out long- and short-term for you and your child.

Your husband, however…

77

I agree with Dio. He sounds like a classic passive-aggressive. Talk is pointless, and will only frustrate you more. He’ll nod agreement with everything you say even as he plans ahead silently while you speak to do what he damn well pleases. I know it’s easy for us to give advice from afar, but I’ve known enough of these people to know that I don’t want to know any more of them.

78

Bolding mine:

Change that “can still” to “will” and you’ve won.

Better still, tell him you are not interested in hearing his decision. Tell him you have already made up your mind and anything he may say is irrelevant.

Then hand him your lawyer’s business card and show him the door.

79

  1. Be strong. DO not be fooled by any crying on his part.

  2. Do what is best for your daughter; he would be a lousy father.

  3. Always come here and vent, we are glad to listen!

80

As has already been mentioned in this thread, I have to reiterate that a parent’s worth as a spouse is not necessarily an indicator of his worth as a parent. My ex-husband turned out to be not so great as a husband, but he is one of the finest fathers I have ever known, and I consider my children lucky to have him.