HelenTroy, my sympathy and support for you in your and your child’s time of need.
Now for a different perspective.
I WAS that 3 year old child. My mother left my father when she was fed up with the abuse that he was dishing out to her, my brother and I. Granted, the circumstances of the separation are different than yours, but since I was 3 years old, I just remembered only that my father was not in the household, very much like your 3 year old is experiencing now.
Of course it only got tougher before it got better and a lot of incredible things had to fall into place for us to prosper, but the outcome of my brother (now 40) and I (now 41) are quite different as well. After gaining full custody of us, my mother moved from Arizona to California and took a job as a buyer for an iron ore mining company in the middle of nowhere (between Indio and Blythe) in the low desert. She had to work long hours, which meant being with a baby sitter (a Jekyll and Hyde type) for extended times since my mom had to work harder for less pay (mid-1960’s) and still had to provide food, shelter and clothing for the three of us since she was the head of household and the wage earner in a company where she was 1 of 2 women in the whole company where 100’s of men worked. It was the poorest time of our life, but it was far better than getting beat up on a recurring basis. But mom had very little energy and time for us which didn’t seem fair for any of us. She decided for the 3 of us to spend the weekends with her sisters (in Covina) and/or her parents (in Arcadia, about 150 miles away) who were more than happy to have us over (Fortune #1).
Fortune #2 came along two years later when a friend (a company rep) was also a friend of an staff optometrist working for a subsidiery company of my mom’s company. This friend got my mom and and this man together on a blind double date on a sailboat in Long Beach (or Newport Beach - can’t recall). They eventually fell in love and got married 2 years later in 1971. “Dad” became a permanent fixture in my life from that point on and it was for the better. Being 10 years older than my mother and had also gone through his own divorce earlier (with 4 kids from that marriage), he knew that my brother and I needed encouragement, discipline and a father figure who knows how to teach 2 boys to learn how to become 2 men. Schoolwise, I fared pretty well with my school grades, but my brother had difficulties early on which may had something to do with the lack of a father for the previous 4 years, or the abuse itself. I had no ill effects of the abuse although I do tend to be slightly lenient on my own kids - not sure if there is a connection there. Lots of sports, lots of chores, lots of homework were the norm, but we did find time to play though. Looking back, the structure my dad created seemed harsh these days, but the results were quite positive for me. My brother still had problems in school though and his attention span was always short; even when we played, my brother was very accident prone (especially on bikes) because of his lack of attention. By the time I was a teenager, I realized that my brother and I were already on two different paths. My mom and dad both realized this as well, and tried everything they could think of (including counceling) to get my brother to focus more. He did not graduate high school.
As the years clicked by, my brother did get his GED and got a job (by my referral) at a Price Club (now Costco). He got one of his coworkers accidentally pregnant and ended up marrying her (civil union). They had a baby girl and he seemed to accept the responsibility quite well at first and supported the family. About a dozen years ago (the daughter was 4 years old at the time), he started having an affair with another coworker at a different location, and she did the same EXACT thing that the homewrecker you described is doing. Turns out later that said housewrecker can’t conceive children at all (Is that justice or what?), but did manage to sway my brother into leaving his wife and daughter and the stability that they once had. My mom (and my dad to a lesser extent) has tried to help my brother, his wife and her grand-daughter anyway she could, but it infuriated the housewrecker who was now overly controlling of my brother’s life. My brother has pretty muched disowned my mom, yells at his daughter whenever she is at his home because of bad grades, lying, etc. At 16, the daughter is now a mess becuase of the crap my brother and the housewrecker has put her through and to a much lesser extent, my brother’s ex-wife for giving away sole custody of her in the first place. I guess my mom could be thrown into the pot as well, since she was going on instinct from our earlier trials and tribulations.
I too was also on the shit list for refusing to give them money for the housewrecker’s invitro fertilization about ten years ago. It tells you how whacked-out the housewrecker was and the control she has on my brother to ask me for such a thing. Somehow, my brother and I still talk after all these years and I seem to be the only connection he has to the rest of our family and relatives, albeit months go by without a phone call or message returned when I call.
I dread the situation your in HT, because it really sucks. You will have every good intention for you and your daughter, and yet it STILL may not be good enough becuase of the other people involved. Your daughter definitely needs a father figure of some type. Even my grandfather helped out in our time of need. School grades are usually a good guide (but not the only indicator) on how your daughter is faring. I pray that your solution is beneficial for all.
P.S. - The last time I saw my father, I was 9 years old in early 1973. I’ve wondered over the years on his current situation and whereabouts to the point of hiring a private investigator over the years, but it has been fruitless. His death index (using the SS#) is still open. He may have become a hermit somewhere in Arizona, doing small scale mining out in the desert somewhere. He was last seen in the early 1990’s in Tucson, fighting it out with the city council’s blight policy over the mining equipment in his front yard. He also owes $100,000+ to the IRS in back taxes since the late '70s, so at this point, he may never want to be found. My future medical history is somewhat dependent on his current medical history, so I feel this is somewhat important. Don’t let it get that point.
PPS - I’ve only had sex with one woman in my entire life and will continue to do so until death do us part. For this, I am grateful that I am married to her. With all the media coverage and stories similar to this, I don’t understand why men get sucked into this trap.
