I do not know you, so grab a salt mine and I add my 2 cents.
Do not let him in today. If he chooses her it will devistate you. If he chooses you, you will never trust him again. If at all possible, get a locksmith between now and when he is due, and leave a suitcase of his stuff on the front doorstep with note that says "If you need to contact me phone :Lawyers-numberhere.
It may be that it is possible to save your marriage, but it seems that up to this point the only one willing to do the work was you. I do not know how well counciling will work, but at the very least, if he really wants choose you, then he needs to be involved in counceling and a whole host of other things that will be hard work. At this point I am guessing the second you put reasonable demands on him he will be back in her bed. If he wants reconciliation it will need to be on terms you get some say in. The structure of the thing now, is all his terms and he gets to change the rules any damn time he chooses.
On a side note. I have a problem with the whole idea of “Home-wrecker”. There were two people who stood up and made vows before an official of the court and witnesses and whatever god you believe in or family that attended. Neither of those people was this woman. When he said those vows, there was no line that said “I take thee till death do us part, unless someone else tempts me” Or " I promiss to love honor and cherish, unless someone will put out more" He was the one who broke the vows. It was not her responsibility to help him keep it. No one gets in between two partners in a marriage, that one of the partners didn’t allow there.
I also would guess that if you and she exchanged stories you would see he has been playing you both big time. She has been told you are a wicked bitch who verbaly castrates him at any chance, and that he only stays for the child. At the moment, she has to believe his story. You need to get off the ride and don’t get back on with some really big alterations to the framework.
Well, I have to get through the next 12 hours until the “big talk”. I just want to hear what his decision is and how he rationalizes it all before I say anything to him. I actually feel more confident now than yesterday. I sat down and thought about what it would take from him for me to be willing to talk reconciliation and the bottom line is, the things I would need to feel safe would make for an unlivable situation. I don’t wnat a husband tied to me by a short leash and I have NEVER been the controlling kind to question every movement. I have always trusted him completely (apparently mistake number 1) and I don’t want to be Miss Paranioa 2004.
On a side night - My daughter said to me yesterday out of nowhere, “It’s just you and me , Mommy” and I said, “Yeah, sweetie, it’s just you and me.” to which she replied, “Well, that’s OK.” Did I mention she was very bright?
Just remember Helen this is NOT your fault, HE made the decision to play where he should not have. All too often I have seen where the partner who gets caught with their hand in someone else’s cookie jar try to play well I only did it because you did/didn’t XYZ.
I hope this works out in whatever way is best for you and your daughter.
Well, m’dear, if you’ve already made up your mind, why wait to see what garbage spews out of his mouth?
It sounds like he’s been stringing you along to play the passive-aggressive game that Dio mentioned. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Anything he might say is moot. Your mind is made up. Now start implementing your changes.
And remember that “The Talk” is big only to you, not to him. If he remembers at all that it is scheduled, he’ll be tuned out the entire time it’s ongoing. You’ll hear a variant of the “I don’t deserve you” line. And each time you press him for more information, you’ll hear it again. The disconnect that PAs have with reality is the ability for their mind to be elsewhere than their body. You’re expecting a confrontation that will bring a sense of closure and context. What you will get is an exercise in frustration as you try to make sense of what he’s telling you. You’ll put it altogether into something meaningful, but for him the idea is to get it over with. He’ll make promises that he won’t keep (or likely even remember). He’ll agree with you even when he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. And he’ll leave you with the feeling that you’ve just had a gormet dinner made completely of cardboard. Just let go. You’re clinging to vapor.
Millions of kids live this life and don’t feel that way. If he’s a good father, the first kid will feel loved. My guess is he’s going to be a disappointment, but you never know.
Helen, I haven’t posted because the others here have been so eloquent. But I wanted you to know that I (and plenty of others, I’m sure) are lurking here and hoping that all goes well for you.
I don’t think divorce traumatizes a child nearly as much as being imprinted with the message that it is* ok for daddy to cheat and momma keeps forgiving him. *
Good on you for stopping the cycle.
You have the opportunity to raise your daughter to make smart choices and be independant by doing these things yourself, and you are.
Wouldn’t it be perversely great if the woman lets say she is not pregnant. he left you for dumps him after your divorce is final and he is left with nothing. YAY for schadenfreude!
Lots of varibles. IMO the bottom line is that you’ve been played and are still being played. Seriously played.
As others have pointed out the chances that this are a “one night stand”, and that predicated on that, he has to pause to “decide” between you are slim and none. This affair is practically guaranteed to have been ongoing for quite some time. So in that sense you were lied to, and are still being lied to.
The chances that his other women is really pregnant are (IMO) maybe 50% at best. This is a tried and true grappling hook many women (not just the “other woman”) pull out when it looks like the new love is going to get away. I’d take the pregnancy claim with an enormous grain of salt until you get a medically verified, arms length test verifying it, and one that she has no chance to manipulate or interfere with. EPT does not cut it.
The real bottom line is what he is willing to do to satisfy your concerns and if you can trust him. It sounds like mentally he’s already moved out, or there wouldn’t be any of this absurd “eeny meeny miney mo” nonsense between you and the other woman. The reality is she’s got something he wants, and wants badly enough that he’s willing to flip a coin, re his relationship with this wife and child, as to whether he stays or goes.
He might behave for awhile but it’s unlikely you’re going to corral him long term into a being a faithful husband, even if he is a good daddy and dutiful provider. If this is a workable arrangement (and for a suprising number of people it is) be flexible and make it work. If not, just give him the boot. People are weak and you’re a big girl, don’t be stupid and naive about your real world expectations or choices for the marriage or him.
Yep. She didn’t make any vows to you. She didn’t break vows to you. She probably doesn’t know you. She didn’t betray you.
You can certainly give her your wrath - she did break the social rules we have about someone else’s spouse (assuming she knew the truth at the beginning - and all along), but send him the majority of it.
(And don’t forget what she may have heard - “my wife doesn’t understand me,” “we are practically divorced anyway,” “I only stay with her for the kid,” “We never have sex,” “she knows, this is our arrangement,” “I thought I loved her, but I don’t anymore.”)
I am actually confident today that he will “choose” her and I hope that happens. Let me explain.
From what I know (too long to explain), the other woman sees my husband as a way out of her crappy life and all he sees is this 20-something cutie worshipping him. I believe she fully intends to quit her job so that he supports her. She has driven by our very nice house, seen our very nice cars, and has decided this is what she needs. What she doesn’t get is that I make more money than my husband, and these very nice things are mostly mine.
The vision I have is that they are going to have to survive on his income alone (minus every penny of support I get from him), which will greatly change their standard of living, OR she will go back to waitressing in the bar at night and he will be working full time and have a baby (if there is one) to himself every night. NOt quite the happy-go-lucky lifestyle he’s accustomed to.
Someone mentioned earlier that living well is the best revenge, and I believe I may get that tattooed somewhere. My child will never want for love and attention as long as I am around, so if he opts out of her life so be it.
PS - Just wait until she gets a load of his mother. I may almost pity her.
ivylass has good advice. Don’t think of the “Big Talk” as anything other than when you are going to tell him your decision. Maybe your lawyer can email/fax some initial paperwork you can give soon-to-be-ex at the meeting?
That’s great that your daughter sort of “gets it”. As long as she feels free to say what’s on her mind I bet you guys are going to do fine.
First, stay strong tonight. You sound clear and focused–don’t let him derail you.
Second, PunditLisa said:
I completely agree–I seriously doubt this was a one night stand.
Third, he is complete and total schmuck who doesn’t respect you or your daughter–he’s cheated, lied, and tried to manipulate you. You and your daughter are definitely better off without him.
I don’t think he has it in him to do what would be necessary for this to work out, mostly because of this whole “I need to decide.” thing. I have had to think about this a great deal since September, and when he started making all the right moves for a reconcilation in October, I wanted to give him a chance. Until last Thursday, i.e. the Girlfriend is Pregnant Day, it truly felt like we were on the right track and there was hope. For several days after that it appeared he wanted to get through this together. Monday was when he told me he needed a couple days to decide, and I felt like the rug was yanked out from underneath me…again…for the 213th time since this started. Thus, the Pit rant yesterday.
I guess I was most angry about the fact I HAD given him another chance and he has figuratively spit in my face. It was devastating. Once I had a chance to think, and have an entire on-line community of people agree with me, I knew there was only one way to go. So, if you are still with me, no he has no opt in clause. I just want to hear what he has to say first. Is it that wrong of me after all of this to want to throw it back in his face if her “chooses” me? If he doesn’t choose me, I want to be able to giggle and say, “Good luck with that.” Am I evil?
