ROTFLOL - Caught me by surprise and spewed coffee on my desk. Coworkers wanting to know if I’m OK. To funny!
Congress Vows to Actually Work for a Living
Freak refridgerator accident kills Gore and Bush! Actual citizens must run for office
This is a favorite from The Onion Page, Our Dumb Century calender:
Rosa Parks to Take Cab
‘Screw This Bus Shit,’ Says Montgomery, Alabama, Commuter
JESUS RETURNS: SLAPS PAT ROBERTSON UPSIDE THE HEAD
DEMOCRATS REVEAL: GORE DEAD FOR THREE WEEKS, NO ONE COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE
PAT BUCHANAN DEPORTED BACK TO GERMANY
NATIONAL MESSAGE BOARD TO GIVE AWAY MILLIONS TO PEOPLE WHO REGISTERED IN DECEMBER OF '99
PHAEDRUS AND OATWILLIE FOUND DEAD IN LOVER’S SUICIDE/MURDER PACT
PUBLIC PREFERS COLUMNIST TO DEM/REP CANDIDATES
Startling poll results reveal that 75% of Americans would vote for Chicago Reader columnist Cecil Adams for President this November. Runners up include: a raw turnip (18%), any third party candidate(5%), Bush (1%), Gore (1%).
NEW SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS
New benefits allow Americans to retire at the age of 40, with increased monthly payments…
ANNUAL COST OF LIVING RAISE…15% ACROSS THE BOARD
Required cost of living for all working class people of 15%…
REUNION OF THE FIVE AMERICANS
Hits the nation by surprise…
CHRIST TO RETURN TODAY: LOOK BUSY EVERYBODY!
CUBS WIN WORLD SERIES
GORE CHALLENGES BUSH TO STEEL CAGE MATCH
This thread reminds me of the perhaps apocryphal story about the small town editor who did the entire paper by himself. His post-publication bender lasted so long that he sobered up only right before the next deadline with no news to print.
So, he reused the entire previous newspaper with the big headline on page one “REPRINTED BY POPULAR REQUEST”
That I’d like to see.
CONRAD BLACK CAUGHT IN MENAGE A TROIS WITH JEAN CHRETIEN AND STOCKWELL DAY
FRED PHELPS CAUGHT IN LOVING TRYST WITH JERRY FALWELL!
MEDIA CIRCUS TO HIRE BREADMAKERS.
GEORGE W. BUSH FOUND DEAD! POLICE CITE COCAINE OVERDOSE AS CAUSE!
ROBERT MUGABE ASSASSINATED White farmer seen fleeing scene.
ELVIS RETURNS
Police have positively identified a man claiming to be Elvis Presley as the actual Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley stated that he was indeed working in a supermarket under an assumed name for the past twenty two years.
ALIENS MAKE CONTACT WITH FARMER
Emmet Scrubbs of Boise Idaho was the first human being to make contact with extraterrestrials at 4:00pm local time yesterday. He mistook them as teenagers stealing chickens and fired upon them with his shotgun. A spokesperson for the aliens stated that they realized this was an accident and their will be no retaliation of any kind.
CURE FOR IGNORANCE FOUND
Many rejoiced over the news released today that a single dose oral capsule could cure ignorance. A small group calling themselves “Dopers” stated that they no longer had any purpose in life.
STOCKWELL DAY CAUGHT WITH MALE PROSTITUTE
Police arrested the Alliance leader in a raid last evening. Police spokesmen state that Mr. Day was found in the company of an underage male prostitute well known to authorities. The Alliance party has declined to comment on how this will affect their chances in the next election.
PAT BUCHANAN IN FREAK ACCIDENT
Loses the use of his vocal chords
HILLARY WHUPS STARR’S SORRY BUTT
Steel cage match takes only 93 seconds
DAVE BARRY WINS PRESIDENCY
Democrats, Republicans stunned by come-from-behind victory
DUMB F*CK NEWSPAPER TO INCLUDE PROFANITY IN EVERY HEADLINE
EMINEM MAKES CD FILLED WITH LOVE BALLADS
AL GORE TRIES TO BY PERSONALITY WITH CREDIT CARD
Store Clerk Asked for ID
YANKEES WIN WORLD SERIES; DWIGHT GOODEN MVP
Doctor K Declares He Is Going Catfish Hunting in Off-Season
BUY PERSONALITY
TOP ATHLETE SIGNS FOR $150,000 SAYING: “REALLY, HOW MUCH DO I NEED?”
WORLD REJOICES OVER NEVE CAMPBELL/JOEY HEMLOCK WEDDING
AGAVE SURPLUS LEADS TO DROP IN TEQUILA PRICES
MURDER OF MIMES REDUCED TO MISDEMEANOR
STAR WARS TRILOGY TO BE RELEASED ON DVD
LATEST SEX OBJECTS: OVERWEIGHT WHITE GUYS
Feynn, I love you. Will you marry me?
Matt- I’m touched my your proposal but you know it could never be. Mixed marriages can be so difficult and in this case impossible.
You know my heart belongs to another…
We can always treasure our mutual dislike of Mr. Day.
GORE AND BUSH GET CUE CARDS MIXED UP AT DEBATE.
Advisors were screaming as they read each others’ spontaneous replies. Nobody else noticed.