I was watching a documentary on TV last week, a retrospective look at the OJ Simpson, when it occurred to me what a great news story it would be if the “real” killer of Nicole Simpson was arrested. I am pretty sure that the real killer is a black guy with the initials of a popular breakfast drink however it would be a story that would get my attention.
What other storieswould be as compelling? And what would your headline be?
BUSH CONVICTED ON ALL COUNTS (Natch).
Jesus Returns to Earth- Delivers Blistering Condemnation of Religious Right.
Local Cynic Wins Record Powerball
Vikings Win 5th Consecutive Superbowl.
“God Fires Pat Robertson”
Ignorance Defeated - Dopers Celebrate and Continue to Post Witty Threads (spelling and grammar correct 100% of the time)
**Newest version of Windows 100% bug-free
Airlines agree on rational fare pricing
Appliance stores agree: extended warranties useless**
Groundbreaking Study Shows That Giving Blowjobs More Effective Than Exercise, Dieting For Women’s Weight loss
[ul]
[li]**[/li]
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**
[/ul]
Osama bin Laden Captured Alive.
HR25/SR25 Passed Overwhemingly, President Promises to Sign Into Law
SCOTUS Reviews Eminent Domain Case, Overturns Kelo v New London
Diogenes, I find it hilarious that “Local Cynic Wins Record Powerball” is third of four headlines. You can’t even let go of your cynicism fantasizing.
MIRACLE CURE! CHURCH SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM STATE IN MEDICAL FIRST: WORLD PEACE DECLARED
BREAKFAST RADIO DJS WIPED OUT BY MYSTERIOUS MASKED SWASHBUCKLER: WORLD PEACE DECLARED
FILM INDUSTRY TO IMPOSE ‘SEQUEL & REMAKE’ LIMITS: WORLD PEACE DECLARED
I thought that was going to be: ‘Binary declared new official universal language!’ or some such. But yours is better 
“STUDY PROVES IF YOU’RE 5’10” AND A SIZE 14, YOU REALLY AREN’T FAT! HONEST, MEN!"
VCNJ~
MAN FINDS MISSING DOG
…as in, there was nothing involving war, natural disaster, politics, et cetera, that the newsies thought would make a better headline.
Failing that:
NUMBER OF LAWSUITS FILED IS DOWN
Hi! How’s it going? 
:: ahem ::
Headlines, headlines. Hmm…
Electric battery breakthrough!
[sub]greater energy density than gasoline[/sub]
New solar cell inexpensive, 25% efficient
Transportation Subsidies Harmonised
New moderate parties win elections in Palestine, Iran, USA
LAST HOMELESS PERSON IN REGION HOUSED
Chinese solar weapon abandoned; Beijing parliament contrates on lunar, Earth-orbital developments
US Enacts National Health Care
Single-Payer Breakthrough;
System To Boost US Competitiveness
Beanstalk Functional
[sub]space elevator passes first tests[/sub]
Miracle car runs on Human Methane. The collection tank is in the seats.
There is intelligent life out there and we are just their 5th grade science experiment.
Bill Gates admits micro$oft can’t code it’s way out of a wet paper bag, shuts down company and sends money to anyone who has been forced to endure his crappy products
God tells religious believers “it was all a joke, you’ve got it all wrong”
Newsflash, we’re all figments of some feverish child’s dream
It turns out the Ultimate Answer REALLY IS Forty-Two!
al-quaeda apologizes for even existing, performs ritual suicide in atonement
Televangelists admit “We’re all just greedy bastards, really”
Cosmetic abuse of ecomomy cars (“ricing it out”) to be punishable by death penalty
Scientists Discover Past
Turns Out It Was Right Behind Us
Cambridge, MA - Yesterday, researchers at MIT stunned the world with the announcement that a simple application of the recently discovered Grand Unified Theory allowed for the creation of a device that could look backwards into time.
Actually that’s kinda scary but there are so many things I want to know. I wonder what a world where there were no secrets would be like?
Been reading “The Dead Past” by Isaac Asimov, have you?
Read the short story The Dead Past by Isaac Asimov.
I thought that Bat Boy murdered Nicole.