Tonight I am utterly blown away. I positively will not attempt to eulogize because I couldn’t possibly match what has already been laid down here by my fellow board members.
Tonight…(today to be specific) my oldest daughter, who is nine years old, was faced with her greatest moment thus far.
Her best friend called from the hospital to tell her that her dad had died today on his way there. He came home from work and had felt some stomach trouble, to the point where he knew he needed a hospital. Long story short, he died and my daughter cried her heart out after hearing the news.
In our bedroom, she sat there and fathomed what it was to grow up without a father and without a husband all on her own. She felt horrible for her friend but knew that she wanted to be there for her no matter how awkward it would make her feel.
It’s horrible to say but it’s the proudest I’ve ever been of my girl who I’ve never needed to teach compassion to. When she was born she weighed two pounds and I say it was two pounds of heart.
Thanks folks. I imagine that girls are in general so much more mature than boys of the same age. Its taken me most of my life to be able to accept duty without feeling awkward and burdened. So perhaps she gets it from her mother. Actually, I know she does.
I was going to post the details/story of this man who was only 39, and his family but I feel wrong doing it.
It sounds like you’ve done a good job raising your daughter. She sounds pretty darn special. You should be very proud to have raised such a caring and sensitive child.
Thirty-nine is so young. My heart goes out to that family.
I’m so sorry for her friend’s loss. I’m glad your daughter is so sweet and kind though. She will be there for her friend during her time of need, which is all a friend could ever ask for.
The passing grade you get as a parent are not from yourself, but from how your child reacts to outside situations without any prompting by a parental unit.
Yes, I just hope it never works to her detriment. She’s amazingly conscientious.
The details of the guys death aren’t really what I was afraid to post about.
The way I understand it, he suffered from acid reflux and had regular bouts with his stomach. Yesterday after being in pain, he finally decided that it was too much.
(They said he was walking around with his arm up over his head too…like his arm hurt also)
He asked to go to the hospital and on the way there he threw up, felt better but still wanted to go. Shortly after that, he either convulsed or something. The wife started CPR right in the car. The hospital worked on him and finally gave up. They said he had an aneurysm and either a heart attack or seizure (I forget). I hear his stomach was really huge by the end of it. I guess he bled internally? I’m not sure.
Other than that, he appeared to be totally healthy. He worked six days a week too.
The stuff I was hinting toward was the whole family. He’s a muslim from Turkey, his wife is an american christian and they have a daughter who’s neither religion. Besides that, they have two adopted older kids (his brothers kids, who’s muslim). He was raising the two adopted ones by a different standard ( fulfilling his brothers wishes). So life in that house was very complicated and his death changes a lot for the girls (massively for the adopted ones), moreso than it usually would in normal circumstances.
Given all that, it was a very love filled household and everyone is equally torn up by what happened. I hope I didn’t over explain that and believe it or not…that was a very condensed version of the story.
Today was the funeral and boy was it a weird one. It had to be way more frightening than any funeral I was used to at such a young age. It was a mostly Turkish/Muslim funeral.
After the viewing we asked our daughter if she wanted to go to the cemetary also (which was over an hour away) she said yes. I asked why and she said…“It’s Ashli’s dad.” And the other one agreed (she’s seven). And they both stood there at the grave as strong as I could ever hope to be and watched the body of someone they joked around with on a regular basis being lowered into the ground.
And they understood. And I sat up tonight talking to Jessica (the older one) and asked if she was ok. Her answer was “Yes, I just hope Ashli is ok too”.
And a nine year old kid let me in on her inner-most thoughts about life and death and I’m filled with awe at the level of thought she’s put into it. When I complimented her, she said " I hope I’m not the opposite of what I am now when I get older. Usually when you get older you’re opposite."
Again, I take no credit for this kid but I will stand back and watch in awe.
I’m afraid this is something of a hijack. My apologies, along with congrats on a super kid.
Do you know if the widow has a good support system? Another support system will probably be needed for the nephews, unless there is wealthy family back home in Turkey (could very well be). In any case, the widow will probably have to deal with some other family members regarding the boys. If so, she’s going to need either her brother (if she has one), or someone else who is acting in place of a brother, to deal with the rest of the family on her behalf. You see, unless the family is very modern, they won’t pay much (if any) attention to what a woman says.
{Yes, I know this isn’t pretty, but it’s real. Turks may be a bit more westernized than Arabs on this, but not enormously.}
If you live in/near a sizable city (which seems plausible, if there’s a mosque around to give the Muslim funeral), there should be some sort of Islamic social services organization to which the widow can turn - particularly for help with the boys. I doubt that any other region has a comparable level of Islamic social/religious/etc. services agencies available to what I know about in the Detroit area, but as the number of Muslim immigrants and residents has grown exponentially in the last 30 years, what’s available in other areas will have grown considerably. Without having any notion how much the Christian widow knows about such things (probably little to nothing, seeing she had a husband who was solvent, well-acculturated and tolerant), there’s no way to know how much she knows, or how aggressively she is likely to pursue what’s available. One thing she might not expect is if the older of the boys decides he’s now the “man of the house” and starts giving her orders. :dubious:
If you don’t feel that you can step “up to the plate” and help, then please tell the widow there’s this crazy woman in Mississippi who knows something of Muslim culture, and who is willing to try to help her figure out how to get things straight legally, culturally, etc. There’s an email link in my profile; don’t hesitate to use it. I do have a number of (Arabic) Muslim contacts, as well as one Turkish one; useta have both Kurdish and Pakistani as well, but not anymore.
It never fails to amaze me what we can learn from our children if we just take the time to listen. Sometimes it seems that they are the only ones who are not afraid to speak from thier hearts. It sounds to me that you have a wonderful child and that reflects upon her parents as well. I only hope that my own daughters will continue to reflect those same values.
Thanks again everyone. I guess it’s not really all that abnormal to have an amazing kid. It’s just shocking when seemingly little work is put into it.
Tygerbryght Yes. (to most of your questions) It was a muslim funeral (with non-muslims standing in observance).
Apparently, he’s considered to be wealthy by Turkish standards (whatever that is)
The kids (girls, not boys) are a mixture of both cultures and were the only reason everyone understood what was going on at the funeral. They have, as well as the widow (who’s catholic), people available for them (including us).
But if I do have a question that I’d rather not ask them, I’ll be sure to use the email in your link. Thanks for the concern.
