too much information, and now I can't sleep

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, I’ve got this ex (broke up a year and a half ago) with whom I’m still pretty good friends. This past spring she went to Kenya for a semester. Just now we were talking on the phone and she mentions that she had an affair with a married man while she was there…

I can’t stop shaking. I’ve got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, I’ve got to go to sleep, I work in seven and a half hours, but I’ve lost all sleepiness. Somehow this just doesn’t seem right. Yes, this is (as far as I know) her first “relationship” since we broke up. No, I haven’t really had any relationships since then. Yes, I know that a lot of this is just jealousy that she found someone new, or whatever. I certainly expected to feel that and figured I could deal with it. I’m sure by tomorrow or the next day I will be fine.

But with a married man. Yes, the culture in which she was staying permits polygamy, so in that context this is not the horror of horrors that it would be here in the states. If it had been any other of my friends I would have still lost some respect, but this is a person in whom I don’t want to loose respect. I don’t know, we had had a long relationship (2.5 years, hey, that’s over 1/10 of my life!) and it took a while before we, um, consumated it, and had a very strong friendship before hand. It really hurts that the person who I respected in part because our relationship started out in that way (ie, slowly, getting to know eachother, not over committing emotionally or physically before we were ready) just jumped into bed with someone she didn’t really know all that well.

I’m just incrediably worked up about this. I am dreading the next time I see her; I know I’ll look at her and think, “she had sex with a married man.” I feel helpless, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s that because this seems like it was so easy for her to sleep with someone, that in my subconscious I interperet it to mean that I was not that important either. I just need to try to get to bed now. This writing has helped a little, but not enough… oh well, I guess life goes on, I just hope it goes on soon.

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Eonwe:

I remember finding out something similar about someone I knew who I had a real crush on. I think part of the reaction stems from wanting to believe only the best about the people we become romantically attached to. I don’t think it’s the same as putting somebody on a pedestal, but I’ve been accused of that, too.

Anyway, I think it’s a natural reaction. I would expect to have a similar reaction to a similar revelation if it came from someone I loved.

I don’t hope you “get over it,” but I hope that you can resolve all the feelings that go into this. It’s not fun to live through.

Best wishes