One. . .
Twooo. . .
[narrating]Slowly he turned…
If you don’t knock it off this instant, so help me, I’ll hop in my interdimensional machine, hunt you down in every plane of existence and every parallel universe in which you exist, and kill you all. Every. Last. One.
After insulting your shoes, of course.
I will give you up.
I will let you down.
I will go around and desert you.
I will make you cry.
I will say goodbye.
I will tell a lie and hurt you.
I will tamper unfavorably with your “permanent record”.
I will compel you to attend a day of team-building exercises at a retreat held at a cheap motel that’s two hours drive from home.
And then write up a 100-page summary of everything you all learned, and how to put it into action.
‘Come not between the Kitten and his prey! Or he will not slay thee in thy turn. He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured, and thy shriveled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye.’
If I ever meet RedFury in person I am going to punch him in the face with my Qi. 
If you don’t knock that shit off right now, I will force you to sit through six hours of the worst Japancore music I can find, and believe me, I can find some really bad Japancore.
Of course, if you like that sort of thing, substitute “ambient shit” for “Japancore”.
[sub]This is an actual threat I issued once to some asshole who had the temerity to complain that I wouldn’t play classic rock on an 80’s-themed radio show that skewed largely to upbeat dance-ish and funk/R&B.[/sub]
I’ll get you, my pretty. You and your little dog, too.
I’ll get you drunk/dry you out so many times that when I dry you out the last time, you’ll die of the DT’s.
As someone with two brothers who will incessantly sing the lastest internet meme, I must say this is a vile threat indeed. (Although “Never Gonna Give You Up” is Elvis compared to your brothers singing The Llama Song at all occasions…)
I will tell all of your friends and family that you would like to collect clowns. You find the figurines especially interesting, but you are also interested in paintings and other things with clowns printed on them. You let this drop to me one day when you saw a particularly cheerful display of clowns in a Hallmark store window.
…or so help me I’m going to Craig’s List and posting your name and contact info with a “slim 20 year old seeks fatty over forty for casual sex or relationship”.